how to have a successful Valentine's day when you're single

i would know. i've been single for the last. . .  22 Valentine's days. but since it only really counts when you get to college (or something like that), it's only the last five years. but who's counting? i've had generally good valentine's days despite the lack of flowers, romantic dates, and kissing in the rain (or snow).

- get together with friends (or family). my family always has a little fondue party on Valentine's and we all exchange Valentine's. i went to that for a couple years in college. or you can get together with friends and go to dinner or watch a very unromantic movie.
- make Valentine's for those around you. roommates. best friends. make them humorous or make them cute. last year i made strawberry oreos and harry potter valentine's for my friends. this year i made english toffee for my family.
- buy yourself some back up chocolate. because chances are you will be wanting some and no one will have bought you anything.
- look to the future! remember that you aren't going to be single forever and someday you will have a perfect valentine's day that will make up for all the one's you spent alone.
- remember that my birthday is just two days away (yes folks, it's on the sixteenth) and i'm having a birthday party at 7:30 pm at my humble abode (141 E 700 N #23 Provo, UT) and i would love to see you there! birthday's are more important that love anyhow.
- and if you are just having a bad week and don't really want to face the world, pick up an 8 hour shift at work. that's what i'm doing. . .
- treat yourself to something nice. be it take-out Asian food. a manicure. new clothes. or just a night off. take some time to love yourself!

i feel like this sometimes

in all reality, love is good. don't forget that. and don't forget this: that you are loved! not only is there someone, somewhere who is looking for you to make them infinitely happy, but Christ died for you, and felt pain for you, and cries with you when you are sad. don't ever forget that!  so remember that love is real. that it will come to you. and that it will be worth it. wait for it and wish for it. never let yourself become bitter. love will conquer all!

past valentine's day posts here and here

a love you deserve

why is it that as humans we are always choosing to love someone who treats us as less than we are? i have dated guys who made me feel completely inferior, who made it seem like i had to change to be with them. most of the guys we date do not value us enough to sacrifice what they want in order to date us. guys who were with us when it was convenient for them, or when they simply want a warm body to keep them warm.
why do we let this happen?
repeatedly?
it seems like the second we get over a bad relationship- one that took more than it gave- we forget what it was like to be treated as less than who we are. sometimes we improve, take a step forward and date someone who treats us better. but i think we often fall back into the same trap.
because, we accept the love we think we deserve.

in our society, we grow up thinking we are insignificant. we feel the constant need to prove ourselves. many of us, especially girls, let words and experiences degrade us until we feel like we don't deserve a better love than what we are given by the world. this is not a conscious decision. instead it is something unconscious that we hardly realize we are doing. until we take a step back. . .
and realize, you are infinite.
not just in the moment. and not just when a certain song in playing.
you are a child of God. you are going to be a god or goddess one day! you have a worth that is infinite. i can't completely understand what it means to feel infinite. but i have captured glimpses of my infinite worth. and it is this that is what we should base our love off of.
understanding who we really our- that we are infinite- we can accept better the love we actually deserve.

a love that will treat us as if we are infinite. a love that makes us a better person. a love that lets you be you. a love that puts you first, a priority. a love that shows their love. a love that overcomes challenges and fights for you, not just to have you, but for you to have yourself. 

"What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.” ― Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

making girls happy (and other thoughts)

i realize that most of my posts about dating are depressing and even critical. i don't want anyone to think that i am cynical or angry when it comes to dating or men. for the last week i've been reflecting on the many nice things that different boys have done for me- acts that have made me feel special and cared for. do you remember this card that i posted a couple weeks ago? well guys it's true. you really don't have to do anything grandiose to make a girl fall for you. i've been blessed to have many great men and boys do kind things for me. here are just a few:

- when i was sixteen at EFY i had to leave very early Saturday morning so my mom and i could make the 12 hour drive back to Utah from Calgary. one of the boys in my company knew about it and knew that i was super sad to be leaving everyone. so he got all the boys in my company to wake up before 6 am the next morning and meet me outside my dorm to say good-bye. it was the kindest thing! he became one of my best friends and i truly appreciate his friendship.
- when i graduated from high school my older brother picked me up, took me to lunch, and gave me a picture frame that he had painted himself. another time when i was a sophomore in college, he brought me ice cream when i was having a bad day.
- i dated this boy who planned a special easter egg hunt for me in snowy rexburg because he knew that i wasn't going to be spending easter with my family. he even got me an easter basket with McDonald's for breakfast!
- there were some boys we had dinner group with who helped me realize when my boyfriend was treating me like dirt. they told me that i deserved better. and thankfully i believed them, and got out of that relationship.
- i went out with this boy for a little bit who would send me good morning texts every day. it was the best way to start off my day.
- this boy brought me frozen yogurt while i was at work. i always wanted a boy i liked to come visit me at work, but he was the first one to ever do that. and it was a total surprise!
- i went on a date with a guy, and i was little self conscious about how i looked after working 9 hours that day. he told me i looked beautiful.
- i was running a 10K the other day and came in after my little brother. as i neared the finish line, he found me and ran to the finish with me.

guys (and girls), it really is about the little things! i don't know if i've ever been in love. but i've felt love. and i've given love. i don't know that i've found my eternal love (most likely not) but i know he is out there and that he will love me as much as i love him.
my sister-in-law told me once that love=sacrifice. while i was dating The Missionary i thought that that meant a sacrifice of who i really was and what i thought was important. i thought it meant doing anything (even compromising your opinion of yourself and letting yourself be dragged through the mud) to keep the relationship going. after we broke up and kind of hated that phrase about love and sacrifice. i felt like it wasn't true. but today i realized that it is true. we should sacrifice who we are to be in love with someone. but we do need to sacrifice our pride and selfishness. we should sacrifice the immediate gratification in order to reach the ultimate goal of an eternal marriage. we should sacrifice what might be "good" for something better and lasting.
so i'm gonna keep looking and searching, praying and hoping, and loving everyone, until i find him. it will be all worth it.

word-ful wednesday

yesterday i had nothing to say. my mind was. . . well, empty. today it seems like everything is my mind is spilling over and my brain might explode. so, please bear with me as i proceed on a very jumbled and random post. and don't judge that the writing isn't eloquent. i'm too tired to think eloquently. 

*most of this really is addressed to me and my own short comings*

i realized today that i let myself be friend zoned a lot. in fact, i think all girls are friend zoned a lot. mostly because guys and girls are too afraid to say what they want and how they feel. we are afraid of being honest. we are afraid of ruining a friendship by asking that friend on a date or telling them how we feel about them. it is "easier" just to stay in the friend zone, than to risk being hurt if they don't like you back or it doesn't work out. but honestly is it worth it? 

i got a wedding invitation today from a guy who i was in love with freshman year. we did everything together and i considered him my best friend. i always hoped something would happen when he got home from his mission, but i always expected him to be the one who would suddenly "see the light" and fall madly in love with me. i was too scared to tell him how i felt- until it was too late. when i finally told him, he was already dating another girl (his fiance now) and i knew in my heart that i was far too late. so now i have a wedding announcement in my garbage because i just can't stand to look at it. 

this, and other smaller events, gave birth to my brain explosion today.

as girls i think we expect (due to stories we read, hear and watch every day) that some day this guy is going to look over and realize we are what he has always wanted and suddenly a fairy tale will ensue and everything will be perfect. another dating lie is that if the impossible happened for someone else, then it can happen to you. not true. we are the rule not the exception!  however, i submit that it is not that easy! girls, we have to put forth some effort. because, for the most part, guys are pretty dim. sometimes we have to let them know what we want. and then, we have to be willing to walk away (even from a great friendship), if he doesn't want the same things. yes, we have to walk away- completely. because, after God,  you want to be number one in a man's life. not his number five, number twenty-seven, or number one hundred sixty-three. it's hard to walk away, but it can be done.

really, this just comes down to honesty. walking away requires telling him (or her) how you feel and then being able to accept what they feel and chose to do. oh, what's that you say? it's scary to tell people how you honestly feel about them? yes it is. i know. i tend to be more the passive aggressive type. hinting, hinting, hinting- and hoping someday they get the message. however, talking with friends and also having friends who are not passive aggressive, has helped me realize that in all things just say what you feel. don't be afraid of offending someone or losing friends. if you feel strongly about something, find a kind and tactful way to tell them. i've lost many a relationship because i didn't communicate clearly what i was thinking. i expected them to pick up on my hints and come to me apologizing. but that's not really how it works. no one can read minds (or in my case, heavily encrypted hints).  the faster we learn to talk about and express our feelings, in a constructive way, the better off we are. 

but don't be mean or petty. don't place blame. don't just look at faults. remember that you care about this person. remember that you are also a part of the relationship and therefore responsibility for where you are is partly on you. remember that if you don't have something nice to say then you probably shouldn't say anything at all. 

wow look at me being all philosophical and therapeutic. guess i should start practicing what i preach right?

i need to break out of my passive-aggressive shell and tell him what i am feeling. be willing to accept the consequences. and walk away. because i don't want another experience like i had today. i don't want another "what if?".  

because, when a guy becomes your "list," your "standard" then you probably ought to let him know. if it doesn't work out, i can move on. but at least i won't be hanging on to the hope that maybe one day i will be his number one. i can't keep getting upset because he takes two days to text me back (a five word answer- gee thanks!). even if we are "good friends" i know that will never be enough, unless i find someone better for me. but i will always wonder. . .

ah! this is a freaking scary post. i'm scared to post this because it's so honest and so personal. but this is my blog and i can write whatever i want. if you don't like it, then don't read it. i do believe everything i wrote, but it's hard to put those belief's into actions. it's scary. i've always said that i value my friendship with a guy more than i want to date him- one of the big reasons i don't even try to date any of my friends, because i don't want to ruin a friendship. but in the end friends are not the most important thing, are they? it's the man who is across from you at the temple, making vows that will seal you together forever. it's the man who will help you raise your children and do the dishes for you when you are just too tired. it's the man who will be your best friend and your lover. it's the man who will serve God and help you to serve Him too. that's the thing that matters most. that's who you will be with forever.

so yeah, it's freaking scary to tell people how you feel. but if they don't want you, for all you are and have to offer life, then it's not worth it. it's better to die with a clean stab to the heart, than to be stabbed over and over with pins until you bleed out. (i apologize for my gory metaphor. . . ) and, it's only by doing the thing we fear, that we over come out fears. then we are not afraid anymore. 

so here's what i'm gonna do:

- speak what i feel. all the time. be honest.

- be more open in my dating relationships. right from the beginning.

- if someone hurts or offends me, let them know in a timely, kind, tactful manner.

- be myself 100%. don't be ashamed of my odd quirks!

- be totally honest on this blog. write what i want.

on another note, there are fish in the flaming sea! do not let a break up or a wish stop you from finding another guy who might be better than you could ever imagine! i believe that you marry your best friend, but it might be that you become best friends through dating and courtship. and don't worry. no matter if you are 16 or 26, the guy will come along. someday when  the time is right. he will be there. and you will be his one.

misunderstood

"It seems right when I've decided I've conquered something, or found a strength,  that is used against me."

Elder Mark Lyons

from friday until sunday night i was almost 100% consistently happy. granted i wasn't my normal extroverted, perky self. but i was happier than i have been in like three weeks. i was taking steps, overcoming, and i was happy about that. 

but sometimes people don't understand. they see you for where you are, not where you have come from, and certainly not where you are headed. in the midst of everything, someone telling me that i am not happy is frustrating. no, it's insanely maddening.

i know i'm not as happy as i have been. i know i have a ways to go. i know that every day will be a choice and an internal battle against discouragement and despair. at least for a while. i will be whole again one day. and i am proud of the strength that allows me to become happier each day.

a strong person is not one who is happy all the time, but rather a strong person recognizes when they are not happy and then does something about it.

but as for the naysayers, the doubters, the good intentioned advice, please shut it. it bothers me when people think they know exactly what is going on in my life and they try to tell me what is best for me to do. they even try to tell me how i am feeling! you may forget, but i know, "i am the master of my fate. i am the captain of my soul!"

is it wrong to choose focus on the things that i can control? i have made a choice to make the most of my life and my education (after all that is why i am at BYU, not to get the mrs. degree). i have made the choice to enjoy this part of life and to plan for the future. is that wrong? should i be more focused on marriage despite the disappointments that so inevitably arise? do not misunderstand, i want to be married and start a family! i want to begin that stage of life. i want so badly to go through the temple, be sealed and love a man with all my heart. 

but i get the feeling that that time is not yet here. 

i am not vowing to despise men, become a cynic of love and marriage. i am only saying that what i can focus on is me. not in a selfish way. in the way that improves my mind, increases my capacity to love, strengthens me physically, mentally and spiritually. 

i know that God will lead me where i am supposed to go and that i will meet the man to marry. when the time is right. but that cannot consume my life. a life consumed in the search of love, and filled with nothing else, will, inevitably, not find love. and so my life must be consumed with love of God, love of others, service, improvement of intellect, adventure, love of self, and increasing physical capabilities. 

perhaps i am wrong in this thinking? i don't know. i'm not an expert on love. true, loving advice is accepted at this time. but please, don't tell me how to feel or who to love. because, i am an expert on me! 

this post is pretty scattered and might not make sense, but bear with me. life is a journey, so don't judge mine. thank you.

love and other stuff

for confidential reasons i have given people in this post nicknames. however if you know me well you will probably be able to figure out who they are. deal with it.

"some people say i care too much . . . i think it's called love" (winnie the pooh)

there are so many quotes about fighting for love and for someone that makes you feel special. they say that if you can't go a day without thinking about someone, then you should fight to keep them in your life. i thought that if it was something that made you happy then you should work at it. i thought that once you chose your love, it would work out. i thought that if you were willing to work past the fear that things would be ok. i thought that two people who cared about each other could last despite distance, time, and busy schedules. 

i've learned a lot from dating. when i started dating The Missionary, i was full of hopes and dreams. everyone said we were going to get married. he said he loved me and i naively reciprocated. i fell in love with his family. we spent every second we could together, or texting each other. i thought i was happy. i convinced myself that i was so. that it would work out because everyone said we were meant for each other and i had waited 3 years to date him. but looking back, i was not happy. i was in constant turmoil. did he love me like he said he did? if he did, then why couldn't he decide if he really wanted to date me? why did we have to go back and forth between dating and not dating? why did i feel like i wasn't good enough for what he wanted and needed? but i thought i loved him and so i was going to stick it out even if it hurt. i had once heard that "love is sacrifice" and i sacrificed so much to continue to date him. finally i couldn't fight anymore. he was not in love with me. he was not committed. i don't even know how much he actually ever wanted to date me. we broke up and i was heartbroken. his excuse of "i'm not ready for a girlfriend right now" became completely invalid when two weeks later he had a new girlfriend. it was crushing.

after The Missionary, i did not date anyone. i made rules about who i would date and i did not want to settle. i started dating some guys, but it was never right and never worked out. i went to Uganda and learned more about the man i wanted and deserved. the semester after The Missionary and i broke up,  i became good friends with Peter Pan. we had known each other casually since 9th grade, but never really became friends. now we did. it was a blessing to have a good guy friend. i came home from Uganda and Peter Pan was still there. after a rocky semester where our friendship was tested and dating came up multiple times, i discovered that i really did care about him and i wanted to date him. the timing was never right. either he wanted to date me and i didn't want to date him. or vice versa. or one of us was out of the state. 

when Peter Pan went to Russia for winter semester i told myself that i would not date anyone unless they were as good, or better than Pan. a high order in the smallest sense, because Pan and i had been friends for a year and i was completely comfortable around him. i went on a lot of dates winter semester- one week getting asked out 5 times. it was like the dating gods were throwing them all at me. none of them compared. they were good nice guys, but not what i was looking for. then, a month before the semester ended, i met Oregon Boy. i was instantly attracted and thus began a whirlwind romance of late night phone calls, road trips to see each other, romantic love letters, and perfect dates. i felt special. i felt like i was living in a fairytale. he was my prince and i was a princess. i had never met a guy who treated me so well and with such respect. one night, by the pond in the JFSB courtyard he handed me a penny and told me to make a wish. so i did. i wished that we would work out. that this might be my happy ending. i was somewhat fearful and anxious, but not so much at the beginning. we did move fast and i new that we needed to slow things down. i was fine with that. but after a perfect weekend, he called and texted me less and less. my anxieties grew. i desperately wanted it to work out. i had not dated anyone in a year and a half for a reason- that reason being that i did not want to get hurt again!  somedays i could barely keep myself together. it was as if the real happiness that i had experienced was leaving and i couldn't hold on to it no matter how hard i tried. when we broke up it wasn't a big surprise. i knew it was coming, like you know a thunderstorm is coming. but still i cried. every inadequacy, weakness, and unhappy thought that had plagued me the last year and a half came storming back and took over my mind. i cried until i was numb and i had a headache. and then i vowed not to cry over it again. i had finals to worry about. and i haven't cried since. not even when he didn't call even though he said he would. not even when i didn't get the internship. not even when he told me he didn't want to talk to me. not even when so many people have asked me about it. not even when my sister wrote me the sweetest note about the Atonement. i can't cry, because if i cry that means i loved and lost. and i don't want to admit to that. 

i have not healed. i am not ready to date again. i am not even ready to take a chance with Peter Pan. at night i am filled with physical pain because it hurts. some say that love covers all bounds. so why did it not work out with me and Oregon? he was so good to me! was my love (care) for him unrequited? or did he let fear take over? or was it something i did? 

but it comes down to this:

sometimes life seems like it's just one heart break after another. but that's because we forget the good times in between the heart breaks. and we forget that the heart is probably the strongest organ in the body. as a muscle it is elastic, extensible, contractile, autorythmic, and conductive. it has the ability to pump 6,000-7,500 liters of blood to your body each day. this blood keeps us warm, delivers nutrients to organs, keeps our brain working, allows our muscles to contract and relax, and heals our wounds. the heart really is miraculous! what does this have to do with heart break? the heart has the amazing capability to adapt. examples: heart transplants, by-pass surgery, grafts, etc. despite the pressures we place on our hearts (via junk food, lack of exercise, and genetics), they continue to beat. they continue to provide us with life. and even though my heart is broken now, i continue to live. i go to work. i have fun with my roommate. i hang out with friends. i pretend to have interest in other guys. i plan for the future. and life goes on. 

and my happy ending might not include a man. not right now. i'm trying to move on. trying to let my heart heal. but it will take a while. so please be patient with me.

xo, beka

africa

"Westerners arriving in Africa for the first time are always struck by its beauty and size -- even the sky seems higher.  And they often find themselves suddenly cracked open.  They lose inhibitions, feel more alive, more themselves, and they begin to understand why, until then, they have only half lived. In Africa the essentials of existence -- light, earth, water, food, birth, family, love, sickness, death -- are more immediate, more intense.  Visitors suddenly realize what life is for.  To risk a huge generalization: {In the west}, amid our wasteful wealth and time-pressed lives we have lost human values that still abound in Africa."

-Richard Dowden

birthday week: day 2. (aka day of lurv)

tuesdays are always long. but this weeks was going to be even loooonger because [a] i had a nervous system test in functional anatomy lab at 5:30 and [b] it was Valentine's day. it was the first time in my entire life where i did not spend my Valentine's evening with my family! (we usually have a fondue party for dinner. so fun.) therefore it was kind of a weird day. but don't you fret because some celebrating did occur.
miss abby robertson and i went to j dawgs for lunch in an early celebration of my birthday. i refused to eat at j dawgs until last April when i was finally convinced to go. and i have to say that the second time around i was still equally impressed. i got a polish (with banana peppers, pickles and special sauce), with salt and vinegar chips and a dr. pepper! abby and i had a great time at lunch talking about life, africa, boys, etc. she is literally one of my best friends and i am SO grateful to have her in my life!
the rest of the afternoon was a blur. 12-3: working at the good ol' Bean (my boss gave us cute Valentine's cards). 3-4: spinning (we did a Tour de France movie and it was like riding a roller coaster while working out). 4-5:30: functional anatomy lecture. 5:30-7:30: functional anatomy lab test and learning lower extremity muscles (what a doozy).

pancakes filled with craisins and chocolate chips, topped
with cream cheese frosting

i got home from school and was absolutely pooped. let me tell ya, i had not felt the love all afternoon. i was tired and hangry. (hangry- a state of anger due to hunger.) so i made my self a romantic dinner of pancake (heart- shaped of course). then i went around and delivered my Valentine's and cookies. Adam made me a quesadilla (which was the best thing i'd eaten in days) and we ate together. my romantic Valentine's dinner date! ha ha ha. after hanging out at Adam's apartment for a small bit, i went home. i had a hot date with my Music 202 notes. that date lasted until midnight.

not the best Valentine's day ever? but it wasn't too shabby either. it's just funny how making a holiday like any other makes it so easy to forget to be festive. sad. :( i like being festive. next year i hope to be much more festive (maybe even in Russia)! eek!

14 February 2012

note: this was in fact written by me, Rebekah Arnesen. i thought long and hard about what i should post for Valentine's Day this year and came up with this idea (and well as another post- which i will do later today). i have had the great blessing to learn about love this year and to figure out more of what i desire in a future marriage. i hope you allow me to be deeply personal for a few minutes today. happy day of love!

Dear You,

i've always been a great letter writer, but i've never been one to write to some future being- someone who only exists in my mind and heart. but because this is important, and this is for eternity, i've decided to write to you. i'm not the most eloquent of writers, i tend to be more sarcastic and funny when i write. deep down though, i am a romantic and a lover. all these words come straight from my heart.

i don't know you, but i love you. i can love you already because i know that you will be the perfect one for me. just like i dream about the day i will wed you for time and all eternity, you dream about me and you hope for the day when you will meet me. i love you for being worthy. i know you are striving to stay worthy to enter the temple because i am doing the same. i know you value the Gospel because i value it above everything else. i love you for helping me stay worthy and for creating, with me, a beautiful courtship which we will tell, with out shame, to our children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

everything i have done and that i do in life prepares me for the time when i will meet you. i pray hard and try to stay close to the Spirit so that i recognize you as the man i will spend eternity with. i cannot imagine the joy i will feel as i kneel across the altar, knowing that we are both pure. knowing that i love you and you love me and we both love God. i know that there is no place you will take me except to the temple, because you have been preparing to meet me, and you know the importance of a temple marriage. and i love you for that.

i know that you will treat me like a Queen. because i want to treat you like a King. we will be eternal friends and lovers. when we finally meet we will both understand why heart ache and heart breaks had to happen. we will experience happiness beyond what we could ever imagine. we will have the "can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series" kind of love. you are the Ron to my Hermione, the Gilbert Blythe to my Anne, the Jacob to my Rachel. our love will be deep and everlasting. it will be quirky and fun. it will be uniquely ours- something that no one and nothing can dissolve.

our love will create little ones. children we will look for with great anticipation. i am scared for the responsibility of motherhood. perhaps you are frightened by the responsibility of fatherhood. but you will understand, like i do, that these are precious children of God and He will help us raise them in righteous paths. you will, in fact, be a wonderful father. you will be the King in our little Kingdom and you will be an example of a righteous priesthood holder to our sons and daughters. you will show our sons how to build a tree house, how to fix a flat tire, and how to treat young ladies. but most importantly you will help to raise them to be missionaries in Zion and worthy priesthood holders throughout their lives. to our daughters you will be the protector- the one who helped the ride their first two-wheeler bike, the one who took them on their first driving lesson, the first man they ever truly love and the one they look to as an example of what they want their future husband to be like. because we love each other, God and our children, our home will be a joyful place- much like the temple. our love will spill over the sides of our home, like a bubbling pot of hot chocolate.

i'm waiting for you. because i know it will be worth it. i know you will make me laugh. you will like that i watch disney movies and csi. you will encourage me to follow my dreams. i will encourage you to follow your dreams and do everything i can to make them a reality. i will watch football, basketball, soccer. . . you name it (except golf) with you. i will cheer you on- in sports, tests, life. i will make yummy dinners (but sometime's i might burn the chicken). you will open doors for me and rub my back when i am tired. i will let you use me as a pillow and i will write you love notes. our love with be perfect, despite the imperfections i know we both will have.

i know you are looking for me as i am looking for you. and so i will wait patiently for the February 14 when you are my forever Valentine. for the love and happiness that i cannot imagine to fill my heart and my life. i will wait for you- where ever and who ever you are.

Love,
Rebekah

birthday week: day 1

monday was the first official day of Birthday Week. (Birthday Week this year runs from monday, feb. 13 to monday feb. 20.) since i decided to do what i want to do and make the most of what might otherwise be a completely dismal week, i made special plans with myself last night.

monday afternoon i had an interview to be a BYU sports camp counselor this summer. i dressed up all nice and wore my first ever maxi skirt! (yes, i am infantile and always think of maxi pads when i think of maxi skirts. . .) i took my own "outfit" pictures, since i have no husband/ obliging roommates to help me out there. what do you think? can I pull off the maxi skirt look? i found it quite comfy and flowy.
anywhoooo back to the interview. i am excited for this job and really hope i get it! a combination of two great loves- teenagers (not in a creepy way of course) and sports= amazingly fun job!

after fhe i did some studying before my date-with-me! for my "me time" i made valentine's cookies, valentines and read Harry Potter 6 (i am still trying to finish the series since christmas break). the valentine cookies are so easy to make and they smelled delightful!
1 box cake mix (i chose strawberry so they could be pink)
1/2 c. vegetable oil
2 eggs
1 tsp. baking powder
(you can add chocolate chips too if you would like)

Mix together, shape into balls and bake for 10 minutes at 350! (I made chocolate chip cookies with a yellow cake mix + chocolate chips for a work meeting last week and my coworkers went crazy about them.)
i love any chance to make cookies, but even more so now that i have my lovely cookie scoop! i was always the girl that tried valiantly to make her cookies into perfect circles and i am bugged when cookies are not circle-ish. i got my cookie scoop from Santa and have used it at least once a week since Christmas! best. invention. (for the perfectionist.) ever. i watched Gilmore Girls while making the cookies. you probably should know it is one of my most favorite shows ever.

while the cookies baked i read a little HP. man that book sucks me in! there is so much left out of the movies. if i could have one wish for my birthday (ha well one of many) it would be to read Harry Potter all day long! i only got to read one chapter because the cookies were done and i needed to make valentines!

i am not really a glitter and sparkles girl, but i do love making valentines! my favorites were for my friends, Adam and Jake. Adam's had a little fish with a heart shaped hook dangling in front of it with the words "You're a Catch" written on the card. it's an inside joke. but girls he really is a catch! he is seriously one of the best people i know. i've posted about him here. i'll hook you up if you want! Jake's had a Harry Potter lightning bolt on it and said "Will you be my Horecrush?" Ha ha I love Harry Potter humor. and I know Jake will like it because we have a goal to watch all the movies before March 9 (we are on the 4th already).  i am excited to give my valentine's away to my friends and roommates! I hope they like them!
overall, this first day of my birthday week was a very busy (i was on campus from 9 until 7), productive, and good day! it is good to focus on others when you might start feeling bad about your life! it makes you happy! (also dr. pepper doesn't hurt either.)


happy monday (on tuesday)!

look forward to a couple epic valentine's day posts!!!!

valentine's dance

this last friday my ward and two other ward's in my stake hosted a Tri-Ward Valentine's dance! it was fun (despite all my griping and complaining about it)! every girl loves getting dressed up. and it didn't hurt that i had a great date and an awesome group of friends to hang out with at the dance.

i was real excited to be there

Andrew, Erin, me and Kevin

the whole group at Pizza Factory

it was kind of funny because the waitress at Pizza Factory thought we were from a high school. uhhhhh no we aren't. she was kind of embarrassed. but we forgave her because she looked like jessica simpson.
i don't have any pictures from the dance because we were too busy krumping it up! haha as much as you can at a mormon dance. . . it was fun though! i'm so grateful for my good friends who made the night so fun!


on another note: this week is my birthday week. starting tomorrow, i vow to myself to only do the things i want to do. meaning, i am not going to hang out with people who i don't want to hang out with. i'm going to take time for myself. i don't have any expectations for my birthday, but i do want to be able to do my own thing. so, if you hang out with me this week, feel privileged. 

captured

went home for dinner tonight. after dinner and meetings, we all gathered back in the kitchen/living area. dad and two brothers were playing games, another brother was making cupcakes, mom and i were going over my budget. of course we got side tracked and ended up on pinterest. i started showing my mom all the funny things i have found on that wonderful site. pretty soon the entire family was gathered behind my chair. laughing at things that only my family would laugh at.
i looked around for a second and saw all of them, just laughing, having a good time. i felt something. it was happiness. love. if i had a camera i would have taken a picture. but i know it would not be enough. there was too much in that one little moment to be captured even by the best of photographers. how wonderful it is to love and to be loved. and to sealed together for eternity.

Thanksgiving 2011

dear dating world,

i'm taking a leave of absence for the next little while. you see, it's not that i don't like you, i do, the timing is just all wrong. i'm just out of good byes. something has come up- it's called school. and caring about myself. call me selfish. tell me i'm never going to get married. deal with it. this isn't about you- it's about me. i need to do well in school. i need to explore. i need to live life to the fullest. i need to run. i need to start doing the things i really love. i need to be me and not care about what anyone thinks or about which young man i am trying to impress at the moment. it's not that i'm giving up. i'm not.
i'm waiting.
for the one man who will prove me wrong. for the man who will treat me like i deserve and will make me feel like the most important person on the planet. for the kind of love that ron and hermione have. the love that comes from true friendship and that works together to defeat evil. that love that makes you feel giddy, not nervous. for peace, not fear. for the jim and pam kind of love. the best friend kind of love. for the man who will chase me no matter where i feel like going, and who will be able to convince that his love is greater than any crazy scheme i can think of to escape. for the mr. darcy and elizabeth bennett kind of love.  for the love that i see in my grandparents and my parents. for the love that brings me, and him, closer to God.
so please forgive me while i take this short sabbatical.
because i don't have time to waste going on pointless dates with flakey, non-committal guys. or guys who think they are god's gift to women. or even for guys who just don't know what they want. you can say i'm giving up. you can judge me all you want (although if you do then you will go to hell.... just saying). my best friends may be married, but it's not for me right now. i want what they have, and it's obvious i'm not finding it right now.
so, unless there is a miracle, i will take a short hiatus from any type of dating. because it's kind of a joke. and it's kind of ridiculous. there are angry and sad things i want to say. as well as sappy and cheesy things. i will spare you. please, please, please, don't try to force me to date. i don't want blind dates. i don't want any dates. i just want some good friends, harry potter, school, and running. after all, when God is on my side, i know i will win.

much love [not],
Beka

ps. and NO i'm not going on a mission- so don't ask!

weekend rewind

this weekend was a busy one! but it was so good. every day when i go to work i pass some construction near the Marriott Center, and this.

i hope i never have an emergency near this area. good thing i run so i can just keep running! on friday night i went to the BYU hockey game on a date. of course, we lost the game (we aren't the greatest team) but there was still some excitement. ok, get this. . .  a girl got hit in the face with the puck! no joke! what a horrible shot right? everyone was staring and she had to be helped out by personnel. secretly i thought she should have just manned up and covered her nose (since that is probably what got hit) and walk out. i mean it's only blood. after the game Amberly came over and slept over! the great thing about my friendship with Amberly is we don't have to go out and do something to have fun. we watched Biggest Loser and she played minesweeper. then Jonny came over and we ate ice cream and talked about everything under the sun- meaning, of course, dating. i attempted to sleep on our Lay-Z-Boy but it hurt my back so i was a wimp and went to my own bed (sorry Amberly!).
Saturday morning i woke up early-ish and went running with my friend Matt. it was our first run as running buddies and i think it is going to work out great. it was raining when we left and by the time we got done with the 4 miles (and a 9 min/mile pace woot) i was soaking wet! i don't mind too much though. after getting soaking wet during rainstorms in Uganda, i don't mind the rain. in fact, sometimes it is very welcome. and i love running in the rain!

i showered and then lounged around in sweats- and by lounged, i mean cleaned and did laundry.  i'm so domestic. i went over to Amy's and helped her address invitations for Heather's baby shower. i am so excited for the shower and the baby! walking to Amy's though was ca-razy. the streets pretty much become a lake when it rains here. sounds like Africa except here the roads are paved. saturday night i went to Sarah and Paul's wedding reception. they were both on my team in uganda and started dating there. cutest. love story. ever. anyways i drove up with fellow africa peeps Andy, Remmik and Lindsay. it was fun to catch up with everyone on the way up! it was snowing pretty bad and i was so glad it was Andy driving and not me. what a trooper. the reception was beautiful and the bride and groom were radiant.

i love weddings and love!!! (except sometimes when i want to gag over the huge emphasis put on marriage here in byu town. ew.) when we got back to provo it was snowing pretty hard. welcome winter. you are a little late. i went out and watched a friend shovel tons of sidewalk space. can i tell you how attractive i find service? very much. ok that's all on that. also he has really cute puppies. i approve of those too.
today church was amazing as usual. i love my ward, my RS, my old FHE family, and all my friends here! i have a new calling on the music council that i am super excited about because i have never, never, ever in my whole life had a music calling- which is surprising considering how big of a role music plays in my life. i went home for dinner of steak and potatoes. mom, dad and ben made valentine's cards while i made decorations (post on those to follow). i love my family! i am also so grateful for my friends who are always there for me and who are willing to come over and listen to my troubles no matter what troubles of their own they may have!
let's make this monday the best one yet!

mzungu bridal shower

my dear friend, sarah blackhurst, is marrying my other friend, paul isrealson, tomorrow. they were both on my team in uganda and i love them both. in celebration of the upcoming marriage, i had a very low key bridal shower last night. there were a few surprises- people showing up who we didn't even think were in the state! we missed all those who weren't able to make it, but we loved the time to catch up and have everyone officially hear sarah and paul's africa love story :)

i love this girl

we just don't worry about the faces i make sometimes

these girls are the best!!!

words of wisdom wednesdays

today is my first words of wisdom wednesday! i love quotes. i grew up memorizing poems, scriptures and quotes and i believe that having a good thought in your mind is the best kind of thought to have, especially if it inspires you to be a better person.  so here is the first of (hopefully) weekly words of wisdom.

as i have discovered what i love the most, i have seen more clearly the direction my life is supposed to take. sometimes we think we love something, but then later we realize that we didn't really love it. or maybe we did love it, but it wasn't the right love.  if we really want to become who God envisions us being, we will choose wisely where we spend our time (because what we spend time doing is most often what we love the most) and where we give our love.

what do you love? who do you want to become?

thankful

this year i kept a Thankful Journal, starting in mid-October, to write down things i am thankful for- big and small. i've amassed quite a list! since i won't be posting tomorrow, here is the list that i have come up with of things i am grateful for.

hot water to shower in and wash my hands in

beautiful fall leaves up the canyon

Kendra and her friendship

the Holy Ghost and its guidance in my life

a fun FHE group

devotional

friends who go to devotional with me

random acts of kindness

beautiful (warm) fall weather

naps

a job

that mom will deposit my checks for me

yoga

costco- and their cheap prices

Kendra

FHE brothers- Kevin and Cameron

the Temple

Halloween parties

Saturday mornings

a plethora of fresh veggies and fruits

new iPod

inspired church leaders

that Adam is willing to talk to me, even if he doesn't have a voice

yoga

warm fall weather

the opportunity to see and hear the prophet speak in devotional

new job- no more malt shoppe!

getting to go to bed early

new power cord for my laptop

God throwing me a bone and letting so many good opportunities appear for me

friends who are willing to give me rides places

people who make me laugh

BYU football

nice coworkers

healthy, yummy food

the Ensign

the testimony of Prophets and Apostles

my testimony

answers to prayers

a working laptop

my health

good food i eat so much of

BYU Basketball

BYU football

Sam Vellinga

grapefruit, hummus, cheese

free tshirts

the snow

Dad got his private work back

to be part of the 1% of the world

my freshman year roommates

that i've been able to do the 21 day no junk food challenge

a warm apartment

consistent electricity

pizza

temple & the blessings received because of it

Christmas music

the internet

a vacuum

my brothers

the scriptures

that i get to go to college

obviously there are so many more things i could add to this list. i know some things on here are pretty random but i really am grateful for every single one of these! 

what are you thankful for this year????

NEVER underestimate the power of kindness.

you never know 

the impact it might have.

"Be kind when ever possible. It is always possible."

Dalai Lama

byu football scores and my dating life

i have noticed something very interesting. the scores of byu football games and my dating life are connected. connected. this is a true, scientifically proven fact. when my dating life is going good, we win. when my dating life is horrid, we lose. we lose worse depending on how sad and pathetic my love life is. so, either byu needs to start winning and then i will start dating more. or some awesome guy needs to fall in love with me, so that byu starts winning. i mean, really? 54-10? really? thats all.

ps here is a cute pic from the disastrous football game last saturday.

he's just not that into you

have you seen this movie?

it changed my life.


i AM NOT the exception. i am the rule.

he might call/text, but most likely he won't.


am i bitter? no. maybe just a little disillusioned.

it's all good. i'm moving outta here after i graduate.

so long suckas...........