more mountains

guys.... this isn't just one mountain. these are multiple mountains. over and over. they just keep coming! it's like the Tetons of life. but remember that the Tetons are beautiful and majestic. recently one of my favorite quotes talks about climbing mountains.

is it so easy to get discouraged while climbing. you feel like you are doing everything right-- you have the good shoes (the ones with the steel toes that no one will ever look attractive in), tons of water (and yes, you have to stop and pee behind a bush every mile it seems), granola bars (the good cliff bars), the best sleeping bag around (it will keep you weather in -30 degree weather), and a hat to shield your face from the sun. but the hills just seem to be getting steeper.

when you are in the middle of climbing you forget how beautiful the top is. you forget that the last climb to the last peak was so worth it! and you forget that you are worth it. sometimes you just want to sit down on a boulder and not get up. 

but there is help and there is hope. there are fellow travellers who can lift you up! Christ in His love for you will carry you when you feel like you can't go any more. He will provide you the strength and hope necessary to finish your journey. as we exercise faith in Him and His Atonement i know that we will be blessed to climb the mountains no matter how insurmountable they may seem.

Every fear, every doubt, 

All the pain I went through; 

Was the price that I paid to see this view; 

And now that I'm here I would never trade... 

-Beautiful Heartbreak, Hilary Weeks

climbing mountains

i once read that if i had faith as a grain of a mustard seed then i would be able to move mountains. dr. suess enthusiastically proclaims, "kid, you'll move mountains!" i believed that with enough faith, grit, spit and duct tape i could move any mountain that stood in my way. i became frustrated when challenges and trials just didn't up and move themselves. i wondered if i was lacking in faith, if i was doing something wrong, or if just needed to work harder. 

over this summer i have come to realize that we can't move every mountain. not because we don't have enough faith or because we aren't trying hard enough. but because the Lord leaves some mountains so that we can climb them, and become stronger. 

how easy it would be to simply have every challenge vanish because of faith! but would that really be best? the strongest people are those who don't have every mountain moved. they are those who climb the Mt. Everest's of life and come out happier, stronger, and more aligned with God's will. 

sometimes when we are faced with mountains to climb, we feel abandoned. we wonder why God left us alone to climb this. we wonder why it had to be this mountain, because our friend's mountain looks so much smaller and easier to climb. 

but he never leaves us alone! he gives us tools and climbing companions to help us reach the other side. he knows perfectly which mountains will challenge us the most, and therefore help us grow the most. 

"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing." Henry B. Eyring

so don't give up! the mountains are there and they may seem daunting. you may wish for them to move. but maybe the moving is really a moving of you. moving closer to God. moving toward a better version of you. 

i know you can do it. keep climbing. he is there and you can make it.

learning to love myself

i just got a new job. i will be work as a patient care technician at Center for Change in orem. i am pumped. ever since i heard about this place i have wanted to work there. i just knew it would be a great place to work. since getting hired, i knew that i needed to write this blog post- one that i've been putting off for quite a while, mostly because i didn't know how to say what i wanted to say. so bear with me.

i'm not perfect. i never will be (until i die). 

but there was a time when i felt like i needed to be perfect. 

i felt like i was fat and unattractive. 

i ate because i hated my body. and then i hated my body more because i was not eating healthy.

i didn't want to socialize with people, much less date, because i didn't feel comfortable in my own skin.

i was desperate for a change. i needed to do something to control the dislike i had towards myself. 

i started running. and the year after that i ran in three half marathons. 

i started lifting weights and working out more.

but getting more in shape was not what changed me.

and there was not one pivotal event that changed me into a lover of self. 

no.

it was and is a process. every day decisions. positive self talk. and loving myself the way i am.

but this isn't a post about how you can love yourself more. because that is something you have to figure out on your own. and i'm no professional.

and this isn't a post about how strong and amazing i am. because that's just awkward.

i believe that whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. i believe that what was a weakness can become a strength. you can help others better when you face your struggles head on. 

i'm not perfect. but no one is. i know that the reason i got this job at this time in my life is because i am ready to help those who are at the Center. a year ago i would not have been ready. i know that because i struggled with body image and my relationship with food, i can better understand what these girls are feeling and thinking. 

i know that we can't just run around telling every girl that she is beautiful and hope that she believes it. that doesn't work. loving yourself isn't about what others tell you. it's about what you tell yourself. it's about accepting every part of you- the strengths and weaknesses. the beauties and the "flaws." it is about seeing the beauty in yourself and in the world around you. 

sometimes you just need a little treat. and so i may or may not do this. it's totally cool.

embrace yourself. love life. do things that bring you true happiness. go out and serve someone. laugh as much as possible. life is great! you are beautiful! 

For attractive lips,

Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,

Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,

Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,

Let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.

For poise,

Walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things,

Have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed,

And redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,

You will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands;

One for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

-Audrey Hepburn

critic

every week i think i'm going to do a great and inspiring wordless wednesday, but let's be real, it's dying out. they say a picture is worth a thousand words but i just can't find one picture to describe how i am feeling this wednesday. you will just have to deal with 1000 words.

they say that no one can make you feel inferior without consent. they say to walk away from those people who treat you as less than what you are worth. they say that you should not be around people who belittle you. they tell you to find friends who love you and build you up. 

but you can't walk away from yourself. 

i am my own worst critic. in my mind i see who i want to be, but i also have a nagging voice telling me i can never do it. telling me i might as well not even try. telling me that it's really fine to just float along in my bubble, because i'll never be as excellent as i dream. 

i worry that i won't be able to run a marathon. i worry that i won't get into any nursing schools. i worry that i won't have money for tuition in the fall. i worry i won't get a job as a CNA. i worry that i won't get married because i'm leaving utah. i worry that boys don't like me because i'm not that "pretty girl." i worry that i will never get back to Africa. worry, worry, worry.

when they say life is a roller coaster, they ain't lying. last week was good. i finished Harry Potter. i was social. i went on some awesomespice dates. i completed things. i had purpose each day. i was the most me that i've been all summer. and it was GREAT.

this week. . . i stay up way to late. i've even been watching America's Got Talent and getting all sappy when people cry.  i sleep in. i workout, but my head's not in the game. i feel defeated, but without specific reason. i've been eating more sweets. and taking less care of me. despite sleeping in, i take an afternoon nap. i stay inside most of the day. i pretty much only go outside to go to work or the grocery store. i read my scriptures, but i don't really read. it's a horrible life. and i know it.

my roommate was talking to me the other day about how fake all the social networking sites are. people post their highest highs on them and so we see their life as "perfect." we compare our life to theirs and wonder what we are doing wrong- why we don't have that wonderful of a life. (and i agree that this is the catch 22 of social networking.) but when i think about it, i do the same thing. i don't want all of 

Facebook to know when i've had a bad day. i'm not about to post a less than flattering picture on there. i won't put anything stupid or immature on my wall. because i want the world to see my life as fun, exciting, and beautiful.

but this is not a social networking site. this is mine. so i'm going to write what i want and complain if i want and wonder about life all i want.

deal with it.

 and in all reality, although my life is wonderful, it is not always perfect. i am not always perfect. i get jealous of the friends who are dating awesome people- because i do not have that blessing in my life. i get jealous of people who run half marathons in less than 2 hours- because i've been trying to do that and it seems like they make no effort at all. i'm jealous of the people who are abroad doing service this summer; i was so happy doing that but i know i can't dwell on the past. i get upset at myself because i can't find the answers i'm looking for and it just seems like more questions keep piling up.

why is it that i am here in Provo this summer? when i wanted so desperately to be somewhere else!

and i worry about myself. because i know this isn't me. i'm not this girl! i like parties and being social. i initiate hanging out with people and i want to make lots of new friends. i flirt and go on lots of dates. 

truth is, i don't know what's happened. i don't know if this is temporary. i don't know if next week i'll be perfectly happy. (but then maybe the week after that will be even worse than this is!) i think i know what i can change, but i don't know if i can. and i honestly wonder if it will really work.

i want to take a risk. go cliff jumping on the edge of life. i want to face the darkness and come away stronger. i want to do things i have always been afraid of doing. i want the strength i've been looking for, to come, and to be here for good. i'm tired of the ups and downs. the roller coaster.

but that's life isn't it? we wouldn't appreciate the sweet without tasting the bitter. well, i could really do for some sweet right now. not the "Captain Crunch sweet" that lasts five minutes and leaves your mouth tasting a little weird. but real sweet- "creme brulee sweet" that melts in your mouth, that you don't need very much of to make you completely happy, and that lasts for hours on end. 

no matter how hard i try, sometimes the pain comes back. not just from Oregon Boy, but from all the rejection i've ever experienced. rejection from jobs. rejection from boys. rejection from internships. rejection from dreams. so it's hard to keep on believing. it's hard to keep dreaming.

it seems like everyone's "boat" is coming in. and they are boarding them- on the way to marriage, children, real jobs, grad school, a new city, internships- and waving good-bye, leaving me to fend for my own. it's rather demoralizing. saying good-bye and realizing that you can't just text them anymore and have them answer. or just go hang out with them. they have their own life. that you can't just get your five "fake sisters" together for lunch without going through major hassle because they all have husbands, in-laws, jobs, children. . . and you? you have an empty kitchen, where you sit, and try to fill your heart with something because it feels so empty.

i think i'm losing it. someone call the loony bin (or my dad) and tell them i've come to the end of my rope and need to get a life. but what do i really need?

a summer night around a bonfire

old and new friends to be there for me- not in a fake way but a real way

a voice from the Heavens giving me comfort

patience to wait for the good times

a day in disneyland

someone who can make laugh and not worry

(oh wait he's ^ in Michigan)

$100 to spend just on clothes

a haircut

a boat trip and night on the lake

motivation

money for projects

a winning attitude

money for races

someone to talk to- about everything

someone to serve

somebody to love

a sleepover on a trampoline

i think that's about it. i am my own worst critic. many times i don't believe in myself. despite all the great things i've done in life, i compare my behind the scenes with everyone else's best moments. i hate good byes and i hate seeing friendships put by the wayside. i understand that someday my "time" will come. i'm just tired of waiting.

as Dr. Suess said:

Things will work out.

"Except when they don't.

Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you. 

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot. 

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go

though the weather be foul

On you will go

though your enemies prowl

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though your arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak. 

On and on you will hike

and I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are.

pain

we've all felt it. from the time we fell out of the tree when we were ten, to the time we biffed it wake boarding at twenty-one. pain. 

physical pain is part of the healing process. the sensation of pain is caused by thousands of nerve endings, recognizing that damage has been done to that part of the body and sending this message to the brain. pain is the "first responder" when something is wrong in the body. in essence- pain is good.

pain is also a sensation that come with growth.  you've heard the saying: "no pain, no gain." it's something i tell myself when pushing myself to the limit in running, weight lifting, or biking. when my muscles are sore and my lungs are burning, i tell myself that it's not killing me, it's making me stronger. when we work through physical pain, we do gain. we gain strength, muscle, endurance. we break records, reach goals, and build champions.

sometimes pain is bad. sometimes it is so great, that there must be something to lessen or take away the pain. tylenol takes away the pain of a head ache. cold water takes away the pain of a burn. morphine takes away the pain from major surgery. a massage takes away the pain of strained muscles.

what about emotional pain? is it good? does it indicate healing or growth? can it be taken away by medication or rest?

how can the pain that comes from the heart, yet sometimes becomes so intense that it causes actual physical pain, be taken away???

i've have lain, curled up on my bed, sobbing because i missed someone, and it hurt- my heart and my body. i have felt loneliness so great that i felt that i could only go into the bathroom, and weep. i have been stabbed in the back, lied to, and even used. 

Christ is the one who has suffered everything. He has felt every and any kind of pain we go through. 

"For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent; But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I; Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—" (D&C 19:16-18).

Unlike us, "during His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. [So] perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes." 

So. . . this pain is a tool to help us grow??

yes.

if we let the pain make us stronger, instead of destroying us.

but we are not alone. through the Atonement, the pain can be taken away. we will be given what we need to overcome and become who the Lord wants us to be. "Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us" (Dallin H. Oaks). God loves us. He will not leave us alone as long as we turn to Him. He can and will take the pain away.

sometimes though, i think we are allowed to suffer, to experience pain. because it is the best way for us to grow. perhaps, the Lord knows, that like a piece of coal, we need to undergo immense amounts of pressure to become a diamond. perhaps He knows that true healing requires a little pain. and once the wound heals, a scar is left- a beautiful reminder of the pain, the growth, and the Master's own healing scars.

I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise

I will rise

Jesus has overcome.

quotes from The Atonement Covers All Pain by Elder Kent F. Richards and I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

misunderstood

"It seems right when I've decided I've conquered something, or found a strength,  that is used against me."

Elder Mark Lyons

from friday until sunday night i was almost 100% consistently happy. granted i wasn't my normal extroverted, perky self. but i was happier than i have been in like three weeks. i was taking steps, overcoming, and i was happy about that. 

but sometimes people don't understand. they see you for where you are, not where you have come from, and certainly not where you are headed. in the midst of everything, someone telling me that i am not happy is frustrating. no, it's insanely maddening.

i know i'm not as happy as i have been. i know i have a ways to go. i know that every day will be a choice and an internal battle against discouragement and despair. at least for a while. i will be whole again one day. and i am proud of the strength that allows me to become happier each day.

a strong person is not one who is happy all the time, but rather a strong person recognizes when they are not happy and then does something about it.

but as for the naysayers, the doubters, the good intentioned advice, please shut it. it bothers me when people think they know exactly what is going on in my life and they try to tell me what is best for me to do. they even try to tell me how i am feeling! you may forget, but i know, "i am the master of my fate. i am the captain of my soul!"

is it wrong to choose focus on the things that i can control? i have made a choice to make the most of my life and my education (after all that is why i am at BYU, not to get the mrs. degree). i have made the choice to enjoy this part of life and to plan for the future. is that wrong? should i be more focused on marriage despite the disappointments that so inevitably arise? do not misunderstand, i want to be married and start a family! i want to begin that stage of life. i want so badly to go through the temple, be sealed and love a man with all my heart. 

but i get the feeling that that time is not yet here. 

i am not vowing to despise men, become a cynic of love and marriage. i am only saying that what i can focus on is me. not in a selfish way. in the way that improves my mind, increases my capacity to love, strengthens me physically, mentally and spiritually. 

i know that God will lead me where i am supposed to go and that i will meet the man to marry. when the time is right. but that cannot consume my life. a life consumed in the search of love, and filled with nothing else, will, inevitably, not find love. and so my life must be consumed with love of God, love of others, service, improvement of intellect, adventure, love of self, and increasing physical capabilities. 

perhaps i am wrong in this thinking? i don't know. i'm not an expert on love. true, loving advice is accepted at this time. but please, don't tell me how to feel or who to love. because, i am an expert on me! 

this post is pretty scattered and might not make sense, but bear with me. life is a journey, so don't judge mine. thank you.

it's time to be happy again

as many of you know, i have been struggling for a couple weeks with chronic unhappiness. i haven't been myself. i have let myself fall into depression and selfishness. on thursday i was very down. i wrote a less than cheerful post about how discouraged i was and how i didn't know how to move on. it was like i was determined to be sad. 

i went to institute and was only half listening. i liked the lesson, but my heart wasn't in it. just like my heart hasn't really been in me. and then, something changed. i'm not exactly sure what. but i think a lot has to do with this video. the Gospel of Christ will lead us to Him and He will help lift our burdens, make us strong enough to carry them, and sanctify us for our faithfulness.

i have a friend who is going through a trial that i cannot fathom going through. i wish i could take it from her and carry it myself. but i have realized that we all travel at our own pace. some may receive one blessing while waiting for another. while another may receive a different blessing, while wanting something that another has already been blessed with. just like everything else in our life, we are given specific trials because the Lord knew we needed those trials to make us better people. 

i have been blessed with so many things that others do not have. i got to go to Africa and begin the fulfillment of a dream. i am receiving a top notch education and will soon have a bachelor's degree. i have a wonderful, faithful family who support and love me. i have received scholarships to help pay for my schooling. i have fun and righteous friends who pick me up when i am down. i have a temple close by. i have almost perfect health. these blessing are all individually designed for me. 

so it only makes sense that my trials would also be perfect for me.i don't understand why i have not been able to get married while here at BYU, but i do know that i came to this school to get an education and i will leave here having been spiritually and temporally fed. i don't understand why i struggle with self esteem, but i do know my struggles have made me stronger and have made me more passionate about helping others who are like me. i don't know why i haven't been able to breeze my way through college, but i do know that i have learned how to really learn and how to study. i don't know why i have worked so hard and never been quite rich enough to do all the fun things my friends do, but i do know that i've still made good friends and i've had fun doing things that don't cost money.

and so i am ready to be happy again. i am going to do things that make me happy. i will paint my nails. i will read the book of mormon. i will spend time outside in the summer sun. i will exercise. i will go to work with a good attitude. i will read more. i will focus on my goals and dreams. i will be more grateful. i'm ready to move on and be the happy me i used to be. i want to do it. i know i'm not anywhere close to the happiness i want to reach, but i think i can reach it! wish me luck!

love and other stuff

for confidential reasons i have given people in this post nicknames. however if you know me well you will probably be able to figure out who they are. deal with it.

"some people say i care too much . . . i think it's called love" (winnie the pooh)

there are so many quotes about fighting for love and for someone that makes you feel special. they say that if you can't go a day without thinking about someone, then you should fight to keep them in your life. i thought that if it was something that made you happy then you should work at it. i thought that once you chose your love, it would work out. i thought that if you were willing to work past the fear that things would be ok. i thought that two people who cared about each other could last despite distance, time, and busy schedules. 

i've learned a lot from dating. when i started dating The Missionary, i was full of hopes and dreams. everyone said we were going to get married. he said he loved me and i naively reciprocated. i fell in love with his family. we spent every second we could together, or texting each other. i thought i was happy. i convinced myself that i was so. that it would work out because everyone said we were meant for each other and i had waited 3 years to date him. but looking back, i was not happy. i was in constant turmoil. did he love me like he said he did? if he did, then why couldn't he decide if he really wanted to date me? why did we have to go back and forth between dating and not dating? why did i feel like i wasn't good enough for what he wanted and needed? but i thought i loved him and so i was going to stick it out even if it hurt. i had once heard that "love is sacrifice" and i sacrificed so much to continue to date him. finally i couldn't fight anymore. he was not in love with me. he was not committed. i don't even know how much he actually ever wanted to date me. we broke up and i was heartbroken. his excuse of "i'm not ready for a girlfriend right now" became completely invalid when two weeks later he had a new girlfriend. it was crushing.

after The Missionary, i did not date anyone. i made rules about who i would date and i did not want to settle. i started dating some guys, but it was never right and never worked out. i went to Uganda and learned more about the man i wanted and deserved. the semester after The Missionary and i broke up,  i became good friends with Peter Pan. we had known each other casually since 9th grade, but never really became friends. now we did. it was a blessing to have a good guy friend. i came home from Uganda and Peter Pan was still there. after a rocky semester where our friendship was tested and dating came up multiple times, i discovered that i really did care about him and i wanted to date him. the timing was never right. either he wanted to date me and i didn't want to date him. or vice versa. or one of us was out of the state. 

when Peter Pan went to Russia for winter semester i told myself that i would not date anyone unless they were as good, or better than Pan. a high order in the smallest sense, because Pan and i had been friends for a year and i was completely comfortable around him. i went on a lot of dates winter semester- one week getting asked out 5 times. it was like the dating gods were throwing them all at me. none of them compared. they were good nice guys, but not what i was looking for. then, a month before the semester ended, i met Oregon Boy. i was instantly attracted and thus began a whirlwind romance of late night phone calls, road trips to see each other, romantic love letters, and perfect dates. i felt special. i felt like i was living in a fairytale. he was my prince and i was a princess. i had never met a guy who treated me so well and with such respect. one night, by the pond in the JFSB courtyard he handed me a penny and told me to make a wish. so i did. i wished that we would work out. that this might be my happy ending. i was somewhat fearful and anxious, but not so much at the beginning. we did move fast and i new that we needed to slow things down. i was fine with that. but after a perfect weekend, he called and texted me less and less. my anxieties grew. i desperately wanted it to work out. i had not dated anyone in a year and a half for a reason- that reason being that i did not want to get hurt again!  somedays i could barely keep myself together. it was as if the real happiness that i had experienced was leaving and i couldn't hold on to it no matter how hard i tried. when we broke up it wasn't a big surprise. i knew it was coming, like you know a thunderstorm is coming. but still i cried. every inadequacy, weakness, and unhappy thought that had plagued me the last year and a half came storming back and took over my mind. i cried until i was numb and i had a headache. and then i vowed not to cry over it again. i had finals to worry about. and i haven't cried since. not even when he didn't call even though he said he would. not even when i didn't get the internship. not even when he told me he didn't want to talk to me. not even when so many people have asked me about it. not even when my sister wrote me the sweetest note about the Atonement. i can't cry, because if i cry that means i loved and lost. and i don't want to admit to that. 

i have not healed. i am not ready to date again. i am not even ready to take a chance with Peter Pan. at night i am filled with physical pain because it hurts. some say that love covers all bounds. so why did it not work out with me and Oregon? he was so good to me! was my love (care) for him unrequited? or did he let fear take over? or was it something i did? 

but it comes down to this:

sometimes life seems like it's just one heart break after another. but that's because we forget the good times in between the heart breaks. and we forget that the heart is probably the strongest organ in the body. as a muscle it is elastic, extensible, contractile, autorythmic, and conductive. it has the ability to pump 6,000-7,500 liters of blood to your body each day. this blood keeps us warm, delivers nutrients to organs, keeps our brain working, allows our muscles to contract and relax, and heals our wounds. the heart really is miraculous! what does this have to do with heart break? the heart has the amazing capability to adapt. examples: heart transplants, by-pass surgery, grafts, etc. despite the pressures we place on our hearts (via junk food, lack of exercise, and genetics), they continue to beat. they continue to provide us with life. and even though my heart is broken now, i continue to live. i go to work. i have fun with my roommate. i hang out with friends. i pretend to have interest in other guys. i plan for the future. and life goes on. 

and my happy ending might not include a man. not right now. i'm trying to move on. trying to let my heart heal. but it will take a while. so please be patient with me.

xo, beka

rising up

last night i had the great opportunity to to the Orem Institute's spring program about the Book of Mormon. guys, it was so good. i am amazed at the talents of people in this church! these college students wrote, prepared and performed an amazing and spiritual show! i was in awe the entire time. my testimony of the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, and the truthfulness of this Gospel was reaffirmed as testimony and truth were shared in word and song.

my favorite message was about Alma and Amaleki and their first mission. they converted a lot of people in the city, but the unbelievers were more powerful than those who believed. so the believers were killed- burned in a fire. it got me to thinking. these people were doing nothing wrong. in fact, they had recently become converted and changed their lives to be more in line with God's will. they were doing everything right. so why did they get cast into the fire? why didn't Alma save them (as he could have)? why did they have to suffer so much despite their good works and their testimonies? and then i thought about my own life. recently, trials i have passed through have made me ask they "why" questions a lot. i have been doing everything right. i have been striving to do as God wants me to do. i have been seeking to know God's will for me and to follow the Holy Ghost. but sometimes, bad things happen to good people. and God doesn't stay the storm. he doesn't slay the enemy. He allows His people to go through that difficult trial. i don't know or understand why the trials i am going through have come to me. but i do have faith that God has something wonderful in store for me. i love this song that the choir sang in addition to telling the story of the people of Ammonihah.

i should be celebrating

i'm done with finals! one more semester and i will be done with my [first] undergrad. [if i am getting a second bachelor's degree after this one, does that count as graduate school or will i still be an undergrad?] summer is here- sort of.

it feels like this girl just can't catch a break.

way back last fall, i found out that Make-A-Wish Foundation has summer internships. and guys, working for Make-A-Wish is my dream. i applied in March for an internship there that i felt i would love and be able to make a significant contribution to. personally, i think my talents would be well put to use at Make-A-Wish Foundation. i applied in March and anxiously awaited to hear from them. i really wanted to get it! i had a first interview, with the head of HR and was told to wait a couple weeks to hear back from the hiring directors for the internship. in those couple of weeks i started dating someone. i wasn't sure if i still wanted to the internship but i new if i got it, i would definitely take it. when we broke up, the internship seemed like my saving grace. i had a second interview scheduled and i felt good about it. summer in arizona seemed so lovely. and i just need to get away- partially due to the break-up and mostly due to the fact that last summer i was in africa and i desperately don't want to be stuck in boring [rainy] provo all summer. the interview was great! i was personable, honest, and i thought i sold myself well. again, i waited. pretty much believing i had the internship in the bag.

i didn't get it.

and kids, i really really wanted it.

i don't understand. is the universe sending me a sign? [universe, if you are... what is this sign because i'm obviously not getting the message] why do all these trials seem to be mine? why am i supposed to stay in provo this summer? why am i not married [or heck, even dating] when i really want to get married? i feel like i'm supposed to work with non profits, so why can't i get an dang internship with one? why. why. why.

i had big plans. i would work 40 hours a week at Make A Wish. i would change some kids' lives. i would get real life experience. i would live with or near my dear cousin. i would soak up the arizona sun. i would explore pheonix, mesa, and take a trip to california. i would meet up with blogger friends who live in arizona. i would make money, doing something i love!

BUT

instead, i will be in Provo- all summer. i'm not dating anyone. i'm not falling in love this summer. i will be working almost 30 hours a week at the Bean Museum. and i know i say i love working there, and i do, but i'm not passionate about it and i get annoyed and impatient and i hate sitting in the gift shop for hours on end. i don't feel like i have a ton of friends in provo- not people who i can really count on. i don't even have a second job [any ideas?].

now please, don't get on your soapbox and tell me to look at all my blessings. FREAK people. i know i'm lucky. i know i have opportunities and a wonderful life. i mean, i went to Africa. i know i have food on my table each day, a good education, clothes, a nice home, life! i'm not an idiot either. i know God will bless me in my own time. i know He still loves me. i know my family is there for me. i know i have good friends. i know i have the Gospel and that will get me through. so just do not tell me that. and while we're at it. stop saying you are "here for me" when we both know that actions speak louder than words, and your actions are purely self-centered. stop saying "let's be friends" when really you mean "i don't have time for you nor do i want to make the sacrifice to be your friend." stop saying "life will get better. you have great things ahead." because geez i hope it every day! and i tell myself that so often that it has become more of a plea [sort of like how i keep asking for comments]. stop saying "have faith" because i have faith! i believe! i hope! stop being a friend of convenience- your convenience. stop saying "you are so smart/beautiful/outgoing/successful/etc. that you just need to wait and things will start flying your way" because kids, i'm freaking sick of waiting. i want to give up. not on life, or on God. just to give up on my life here. i'd go anywhere, really. somewhere i can do yoga, and go on long runs with Abby, and work making people happy, take road trips, get tan, and eat frozen yogurt.

ok. stop. i'm done. mostly because my shift ends in nine minutes [hopefully] and partly because this post has already reached gargantuan proportions.

not the post you thought it would be

i feel like i'm pretty much a professional the "pity-me" posts. i mean, i could earn money writing those things. so you probably thought this post was going to be about how much i hate dating and how much i'm hurt and how i never want to love again. it's not. this is over. but i can't and won't dwell on it. maybe things will work out in the fall. but the timing was not right for now. yesterday was the day to feel sad. today is the day to move on. and so i am being thankful. for the people who care enough to ask, hug, and send love.

to parentals. mom for letting my cry on the phone for an hour. dad for getting pissed and wanting to beat people up. [dad, at your age i don't think that is wise heh heh.]

to jake. the first person i talked to and the best comfort. for letting me study with you in the secret french rooms in the jkb. for not caring that i wore a hat and looked like trash. for the previous freak out sessions. for not judging me because you saw me cry twice in one week.

to adam. for calling me back.  for talking to me. hugging me. letting me cry. again. for helping me put things into perspective and see things from the other point of view. for reminding me to be patient. for telling me my hat was ugly [actually i don't think it's ugly but whatever.]

to shealyn. you are the best cousin! for calling me when my text was less than enthusiastic. for talking to me. for making me laugh and smile all the time, even when i don't want to. for building me up and making me feel good about myself. for understanding.

to extended family. just for being you. uncle ron, you better take me shooting- your 9 mm is legit. g&g thomas- you are the best- thanks for being my heroes. ronald, hyrum, james- you make me laugh and i am proud to have such great worthy priesthood holders as cousins. shalisa- thanks for calling me pretty girl- you are the pretty one.

to adam and sarah. for the kind FB messages. for the offer to skype. for wanting to kill the boys who break my heart.

to craig and sammy. for reminding me to keep moving, be patient, and not be bitter.

to ashley, for sending love my way and letting my know my pathetic amount of tweets did not go unnoticed. [ps. i may be a total creep but i'm pretty sure i talked to you on the phone today when you called the Bean museum.]

to coworkers, for making and sharing peanut butter banana bread with me. for bringing me Gilmore Girls. for listening to me. for offering to give help, love and support.

to allison [future roommate!] for reminding me of the bright side of being single and living with you.

that's all. if i think about it too much i just cry. woops! back to studying for finals!

it could be worse

i know it's been a couple weeks since i did words of wisdom wednesday, but this needed to be talked about.  yesterday in devotional we learned about what to do when life "gets one degree colder"- when trials seem to be all you getting and miracles seem far away. i like these words from dr. seuss:

you can read about brother moody's talk here. remember you are luckier than you might think. things will work out, even if we might not see any miracles at the moment. God is always there and He loves us.

lemons

i didn't do words of wisdom wednesday last week. forgive me? but i've got a good post today to make up for it!
sometimes, on a bad day, i want to do this:

or squeeze them into my own eyes. that has definitely crossed my mind.
but you can't use your trials or hardships or hurts or mistakes as an opportunity to hurt others. that just makes your life worse. and it doesn't exactly make their life better.
i like this solution better:

who doesn't love free stuff? especially a poor college student.
but then i got to thinking. keeping the lemons isn't enough. you gotta put them to use.
so what good is there in lemons?
- they are delicious to flavor fish
- they can make beautiful center pieces
- they are yellow
- they make yummy candy, like lemon drops and lemon bars
- they add a little zing to any drink
- they smell yummy
- you can make lemon sour cream pie
- they are in lemonade (which if you are drinking, obviously means it's summertime. which is the best.)

so instead of choosing violence, complacency, or "just making lemonade." next time i get a lemon (or two, or three) i'm going to do something more like this:

what are you going to do with your lemons?

an angry post

i was going to write an angry post. about all the wishes i wished in the last 24 hours and how it is nearly impossible that any of them will come true. i even considered saying a few four letter words. shocking. i know. my high school friends would probably keel over and die if they heard me utter those words. so, in order to save innocent lives, i will refrain.
i was going to sit at work and stew. over the problems in my life. i was going to complain about everything i could possibly complain about. and then feel guilty because of the complaining. it's really a vicious cycle. and so not worth it.
so i'm not going to post right now at all. i'm going to think of happy thoughts. i am going to think of things i can do to make myself happy. i will probably make a list or two. i will remember that there is always a rainbow after the rain.
and i will keep my head up.

day 29. what i've learned in the last month.

sometimes people lie to you. sometimes you get hurt. forgiving is hard. really hard. it's a lot easier to be angry, than to be sad. but then hate festers in your heart and love has no room.

God loves me- unconditionally. people {angels} come into your life exactly when you need them. but you can't always lean on other people. sometimes they need you. and then you have to be strong, for them.

the real reason i'm at school is exactly that- to learn. and to improve myself.

i don't know everything. i still have so much to learn. about life. about people. about love. about me. but i do know now- that if you aren't happy, you're doing something wrong. and that's really what life is all about. happiness.

forever eponine?

i cannot. i will not. be eponine- anymore.
waiting for you has taken years. and you still don't see me.
so, no matter how my heart misses you. best friend.
i won't be coming back. at least not for a while.
i'm sorry i'm not that girl who broke your heart.
but i am me.
and i know i am beautiful.
can i please have my heart back?
if you want it again, you are going to have to beg.
let me go away.
and
stop being the forever eponine that i've allowed myself to become.

last kiss

t. swift always has a song that is my life. here is today's:

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go
Away?

I do recall now
The smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

And now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember
The swing in your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did

Because I love your handshake
Meetin' my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

So I watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in the weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So
I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips
Just like our last kiss

the grinch

have you ever noticed that the second you think life is going great, Heavenly Father says "don't get too comfy. i'm about to give you some trials which will test you and hopefully strengthen your faith, bringing you closer to the person i want to mold you into."?

yes, this is for real.

and it happens. it's like life is hitting in the face with a ton of bricks. and you hate it.

sometimes i just wish i had enough money to solve all the worlds problems. but money doesn't solve anything. the only thing that ever has and will make people truly happy is love.

i was contemplating today if my family wasn't able to "have Christmas."no presents? a younger, more Grinch-like version of myself would have expired on the spot if i saw no presents under the tree on Christmas morn. but today, as i puzzled, i came to a miraculous conclusion.

"What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.

What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."

Christmas without presents? it would be ok. all i want is to be with my family and celebrate the birth of our Savior. What I really love about Christmas isn't the presents. I love giving, singing carols, reading Christmas books, sledding, skating, playing games, watching Miracle on 34th Street, sleeping together by the fireplace.

so life here is a challenge: throw at me what you will! i know that life is hard! but, with the help of God, i can do hard things!

disclaimer: these are random thoughts in my mind as i contemplate the trials newly arriving in my life and those i love.

random kindness

well after one of the hardest weeks of my life, i have decided i need to reflect on the good things that have happened- especially the random kindnesses. the tender mercies. basically here's a thank you.

to the guys who saw me and debi walking up to campus saturday night and told us we looked beautiful. thank you. how could you have known that your simple words meant so much? they reminded me that i am beautiful. that kindness still exists. that boys can be very sweet.

to Becca, the girl who decided we should be friends because we were walking home from church at the same time: i am so grateful that you reached out and said hello. you have a beautiful smile. i really think i will come visit you at cox 33. i am so glad you are from mountain crest high school. i am so glad you are friendly. you reminded me that the lord is looking out for me. that he sends angels in form of strangers sometimes. that i need to reach out and look for people to lift.

to Sam: thanks for understanding me girl. you are a great therapy. i feel like we think/feel along the same lines. you are beautiful and so funny! thank you for your goodness, and your love. those boys do not know what they are missing!

this week i am going to be more faithful. more thankful. more patient. more trusting. more hopeful.

who am i?

setbacks are merely things to make us stronger. i did poorly on a test- one that i had spent hours and hours prepping for. i don't know for sure that i failed it, so i can't say i did. besides all i want is a B or better on the test.

but walking out of the testing center i felt like a failure. the blustery day was not angry enough to match my feelings. this is the second time i've taken this class! you'd think i'd be feeling better about this test! you'd think i wouldn't have lost a staring contest with an impossibly frustrating problem! but i did. no matter that i have done exceptionally well on all the homework, i've done well on the in class quizzes, and i have learned a lot. that was not on my mind. in the hours after my test i merely focused on all the negative emotions that i could.

sadness. frustration. anger. despair.
it's so easy to give in to doubts and fear. to feel like you aren't smart enough. aren't athletic enough. aren't pretty enough. aren't spiritual enough. whatever. i do it all the time.

and it's a horrible habit.

i realized a few things today: God does not make mistakes!

What is true success? Is it making the A grade or becoming a more humble person because you have to work and give God a chance to change you?

Failure is a state of mind.

Don't ever let pessimism take away your dreams. Hold on to them.
Dreams are what reality is made of.

I may not have aced my first physics midterm. but the world is not over. I have many strengths. I don't even care if i'm good at physics. psh. i know i am a good person. and a good student. i will make my dreams come true.

small failures will not be a stumbling block, but instead a catalyst to make me work harder and become a better person!