Scream

Life ain't so easy. I don't understand it sometimes. My semester has been so stellar thus far. Things were looking up. I loved all my classes (even Chem 107 although it could be a little hard at times). I changed my major. I found roommates for next year. I had made an amazing new friend. I am doing everything right in my life. I made goals for this semester and I have kept them. I am studying my behind off. I am paying attention in classes. I am really trying to apply everything I learn. I have been exercising and eating healthier. I have been reading the scriptures, Preach My Gospel, and the Ensign everyday. I pray every morning and night. I try to be patient with my roommates. I count my blessings. I have been positive. I've been friendly. I've tried to be a better friend. But sometimes, I guess, you can't have everything.
The two things I wanted the most a few days ago have not come true. I wanted 1) a letter from my best friend who is on a mission in Mexico and 2) to do well on my chemistry test. I studied SO hard for my test. I knew the material. I went over it. I started studying early. I had flashcards. I went over old tests. I went over the objectives. I made sure I knew everything that would be on the test. To put it shortly- I sucked it up. I did horrible. Like your bad is my good. I did worse than on any previous test last semester.
College is hard. BYU is hard.
I don't understand. All I want to do with my life is help people. I want to be able to help people who can't help themselves. But apparently to do that you have to get good grades and be smart. I'm not smart. I'm dumb. And now I have to face that my dreams my be slipping away. Out of reach. Its horrible. Its the worst feeling in the world to think that you dumb-- to feel like you are the only one around you who isn't succeeding. I just wish sometimes that I could see into the future and know that everything will work out, that I shouldn't just quit school and go live on the beach. I hate how I blame myself. There is nothing I can do, but I know I must have done something wrong. I just don't know what. I feel like a failure. Anything that has in the past made me unique seems to have disappeared. And I feel like the littlest fish in a sea of huge baracudas.
Are my dreams only ever going to be dreams? I've never been one to give up. But I can only take failure in stride for so long. I haven't felt like a success in life for a long time. I thought I would feel more this semester (and until now, I have), but obviously I am not supposed to feel smart now.
I don't know what to do.