Let's start a Revolution

It's almost the end of January, and I know 99% of you made some sort of "be more healthy" goal for 2015. and for many people this goal includes dieting, exercise, and pinning excessive amounts of thinspiration pins on Pinterest. we're going to cut out all processed sugar, or get to the gym every day until we have that perfect six pack that we see on those Pinterest models. or we're going to join some marketed "health" product to lose weight (which of course involves losing money because you have to pay a fee to get their special products in order to lose that weight).

and the list goes on.

but when did living a "healthy lifestyle" equate dieting? or when did the "perfect" size become 10 pounds lighter than you already are? why is it that we are never satisfied with our bodies?

for over a century women have been changing their bodies to fit what society says is perfect. from corsets for tiny waists, to binding feet, to wrapping our chests to looks like we have no chest, to making our hair enourmously huge, we as women have let the world tell us what beauty is. specifically media has been telling us that we are not enough- that our bodies are not enough. but who are they to tell us?

in media our bodies are shown as parts. a pair of legs; some plumb lips; perfect abs; the silkiest, thickest hair.

newsflash: we are MORE.

why is it that we are constantly allowing ourselves to be objectified? and why are we objectifying others? "I'll be happy once I lose this muffin top." ""I need to tone up my arms." "I want to get a six pack." "I need to get the perfect swimsuit body before summer." and the list goes on.

I may be wrong, but if we are constantly belittling and judging ourselves and others, how are we ever supposed to do anything, let alone change the world??? We have got to stop it! but how?

my friends at Beauty Redefined are heading a revolutionary campaign to not only take back beauty, but to redefine beauty. my thoughts today have been based off my own indignation against dieting and thinspo, as well as an inspirational presentation done by these powerful women in my singles ward.

because I am a Latter-Day Saint, and I believe strongly that Heavenly Father gave us our bodies as a precious gift, may i share with you a quote from one of my favorite men? President Uchtdorf said, "When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following: Stop it!" Girls, this includes hating, ignoring, ridiculing or wanting to cause harm to our own bodies. 

so let's stop. let's rethink. let's be more- more than our bodies, more than the lies that media tells us, more than what we've trained our brains to think is perfect. 

[i will be doing a series of posts on the subject of body image, media and how it affect body image, dieting, and redefining beauty. i hope you join me, add your thoughts and comments, and check out beautyredefined.net]

why i don't believe in scales

at the conclusion of national eating disorder awareness week, i want to share some of my personal experiences. none of this is scientifically proven, it is based off my own experiences and insights. 

this is why i don't believe in scales, or in weighing myself. 

there was a time when i weighed myself twice a day. once in the morning and once at night. i wasn't obsessed about my weight, but i didn't want to gain.  i wanted to stay at 100 pounds. luckily, my obsession about weight never turned into anything more. i don't know how or when i realized it, but one day i woke up and realized that i hadn't weighed myself in a while. i didn't know how much i weighed! and i really didn't care. as i've gotten older i have weighed myself less and less. i don't own a scale and i honestly worry that if i did that i would become an "obsessive weigh-er" again. as i see girls weigh themselves i see myself in them, and i worry. when did we place so much value on a number that really is quite meaningless? especially when we, for the most part are at a healthy weight and shouldn't worry about it?

in high school i was always a size 1 jean size. i liked the fact that i was the smallest size in the store. it was awesome. somewhere in the two years after i graduated high school, i filled out. it's not that i got fat, because i'm not fat. but my body changed, and suddenly i wasn't a size 1 anymore. i avoided buying pants because i thought i was going to be huge. i didn't know what size i was anymore and was scared of being bigger than a size 1. finally one day i got some pants that actually fit, and surprise! they weren't huge, they made me feel good. and i've learned something valuable. it doesn't really matter what size of pant you wear. or what dress size you are. or your bra size. what matters, is that you embrace your body, no matter the perceived imperfections. 

the truth is, we are never going to be as perfect as the media portrays women to be. [newsflash: that's 95% photo shop. just sayin.] we are beautiful daughters of God! we are worth SO much more than that little number on the scale. or the number on the tag of our clothes. no, this isn't a call for everyone to go out and only never eat healthy or exercise again. this isn't saying we should not take care of our bodies. because we should. but remember that it's ok to be a size 4. and it's ok to weigh more than you did in high school. it's ok to have a piece of pizza for dinner and not feel guilty about it. and it's ok if you miss a day of exercising because you were too busy studying or you had a friend who needed your help. there are things that are more important than being the smallest person. 

"Let’s (quite literally) have our cake and eat it, too. Let’s savor the cake and the kale. Let’s get more exercise by dancing more with friends. Let’s love our bodies because they’re ours, because they’re a gift, and not have our self approval depend on how well they meet some totally arbitrary societal standard."

let's take the challenge. 

be the cake eaters. the dancers. the scale smashers. the lovers.

will you join me?

a love you deserve

why is it that as humans we are always choosing to love someone who treats us as less than we are? i have dated guys who made me feel completely inferior, who made it seem like i had to change to be with them. most of the guys we date do not value us enough to sacrifice what they want in order to date us. guys who were with us when it was convenient for them, or when they simply want a warm body to keep them warm.
why do we let this happen?
repeatedly?
it seems like the second we get over a bad relationship- one that took more than it gave- we forget what it was like to be treated as less than who we are. sometimes we improve, take a step forward and date someone who treats us better. but i think we often fall back into the same trap.
because, we accept the love we think we deserve.

in our society, we grow up thinking we are insignificant. we feel the constant need to prove ourselves. many of us, especially girls, let words and experiences degrade us until we feel like we don't deserve a better love than what we are given by the world. this is not a conscious decision. instead it is something unconscious that we hardly realize we are doing. until we take a step back. . .
and realize, you are infinite.
not just in the moment. and not just when a certain song in playing.
you are a child of God. you are going to be a god or goddess one day! you have a worth that is infinite. i can't completely understand what it means to feel infinite. but i have captured glimpses of my infinite worth. and it is this that is what we should base our love off of.
understanding who we really our- that we are infinite- we can accept better the love we actually deserve.

a love that will treat us as if we are infinite. a love that makes us a better person. a love that lets you be you. a love that puts you first, a priority. a love that shows their love. a love that overcomes challenges and fights for you, not just to have you, but for you to have yourself. 

"What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.” ― Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

starving

i went to Uganda almost two years ago. while i was there i learned that i can never justifiably say "i'm starving." because i looked into the eyes of children, who had just given me food, and who now had nothing to eat for lunch. and what i saw there, was acceptance. this was nothing new to them. they had skipped meals before. children who ate only a cheap grain cereal to last them throughout the day. mothers holding babies that were so malnourished that spindly limbs stuck out from a bloated stomach. their faces flash before me. . .

the rwandan muslim refugees, torn from their homes, with no work and no money.

the children of the slums, who did the work of an adult, because that's what is required.

the family of seven living in one small hut.

the elderly man who rode his rickety bike two hours each way to church, three or four times per week.

the villagers who had no electricity or running water.

the father, holding his infant son, who had just breathed his last belabored breath, in an overcrowded ward of  a hospital.

the intern doctor trying valiantly to do everything she could to save a baby, caught in a house fire.

and yet, as i walked through the slums of Namatala, and as a rode a boda boda on my way to an orphanage, and as i taught school children how to become leaders,  i saw more. smiles and laughter. loyalty and hope. love and compassion. selflessness and intelligence. people living their lives to the fullest, because they know that they only have one chance at life. i didn't see starvation. i saw something more. something that feeds the soul and not the body.

in the months that have followed my return from Uganda, i have observed my life and the lives of those around me.  

we have plenty of food. yet we are constantly worried about being a certain size, or having the largest muscles, or eating the healthiest.

we are able to get an education. we go to wonderful institutes of learning.

we go to work everyday, and even if we hate it, at least we have a job that is steady.

we have a home that is warm and sheltered from the elements. 

we have running water, warm showers, and electricity.

we can go buy new clothes.

we don't have to watch our children die from diseases like cholera and malaria.

we are safe.

but we are so unhappy! we are starving. yes, many of us are lacking vital nutrients for the soul-- compassion, selflessness, service, love, optimism, laughter. it doesn't matter how many likes we get on facebook, how large our paycheck, or how prestigious our degree. we deny ourselves of the essence of life- those things that change us from merely existing, to truly living! 

i don't know how we can stop this starvation. there is no Red Cross to bring more love to the world. and there is no Food Bank that hands out cans of laughter. there is no state school that can teach us to be compassionate and selfless. 

it starts with me. it starts with you. we must change ourselves. we must take stock, and change our hearts. laugh more. turn off the smart phone and play with children. help someone who needs it. smile at a stranger. hug our family. 

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world" Ghandi.

on hanging out, cuddle buddies, and knowing what you want*

i've had a bit of dating experience. it's kind of ironic that i go to my married friends for advice on dating because (no offense friends) i have more actual dating experience than most of them. by "dating experience" i mean that i have been on a bajillion first dates, almost dated many guys, and actually dated a few.

here's the thing: i love hanging out with the guy i like. i like being spontaneous and him just coming over after studying or something. i think hanging out is fun. there is less pressure than an actual date (and i can wear leggings and a t shirt). buuuut, a girl wants to get asked on a date every once in a while, especially by the guy she is interested in. she wants to know that he is actually interested in dating her and not just hanging out with her. i know that eventually dating and hanging out become more synonymous as you start dating more seriously. but the best flattery a girl can get is having a guy she likes and has been hanging out with ask her on  a date. a guy once told me "i really like hanging out with you but i want to ask you on a real date again." it was so great! because it wasn't like we couldn't hang out in between dates, but i also knew that he was interested enough to invest some real time and money into furthering a relationship with me. i was worth it to him. so guys let's get out of the apartment and go somewhere on a date! let's make it an adventure or romantic. whatever. let's just go on a freaking date.

let's be real folks, it's what we here at byu like to call "cuddle season." basically it's the time when the weather is frightful and people want to stay inside. and having someone else to help you keep warm wouldn't be bad either. and let's just say that you like this guy and you have been hanging out and you started cuddling. if you keep hanging out and you still like him there is the hope that you would start dating (please note that this would include going on some actual dates- see above). or you could become cuddle buddies. and to be honest, cuddle buddies is really just the nice way to say booty call. girls, let's not become someone's booty call. we are worth more than that. i'm not saying that you should stop cuddling with any boy unless you are dating. that's completely unrealistic and you will probably end up being a cat lady slash a mormon nun. but, if you feel like your relationship is not going toward an actual dating relationship, but is stuck in the cuddle stage (no dates, just hanging out, watching movies and cuddling) then run the other way. there is a guy out there who is going to take the time to get to know you, take you on real dates, and who will not just want you to be his booty call.  it's better to be alone than to be someone's booty call. you are worth it. don't settle.

finally, sometimes when you start liking someone you aren't really sure of what you want. that's fine. you need to shop around a little to make sure that they are really as awesome as you think they are. so play the field and go out with other guys. it doesn't matter if you are secretly preferring one guy over the rest and you hang out with him more and you cuddle with him. keep your options open. this goes vice versa. don't get upset if a guy you like goes out with another girl. unless it becomes a chronic issue and it's obvious you are just a booty call (see above). the best things in life take a little time. a friend once told me that a guy who really cares won't rush into a relationship. so don't worry. don't rush things. be smart. be logical. think with your head and not just your hormones.

*i wrote this post a while back but i'm finally publishing it. i think these thoughts are worth reading and that every girl should remember these things as we start the new year.

tuesday is the new wednesday

some days you just don't feel like you can rely on anyone. i've said this once, and i'll say it again: sometimes the only way to get things done right is to do them yourself. not only that, but sometimes you just have to move on when people aren't there when you think they should be. because in all actuality, the people you think should always be there, will leave. and that guy you really like will stop calling you, for no good reason. and the best friend you swore you would always keep in touch with will move far away and you will only talk once a year. you probably won't get everything you think you deserve. you will probably still only pull a B in that tough class despite the hours of studying. you will probably still be single, even though it feels like the whole world is graduating college with a ring on their finger- or at least a boyfriend. and you probably shouldn't like your best friend's best friend because then you can never hang out with him without the guy you like there or at least in the back of your mind. and your relationship is totes different. and that sucks.

it's terribly frustrating.

so i was just looking for some snarky quote about being alone and how that's pretty much what life is. and then i was reading all these inspirational quotes about loving life, finding happiness, and serving others. and i felt really hypocritical. 

yes, i'm stressed. yes, i want things to work out the way i think they should. yes, i have no money. yes, i wish my friends would call me. yes, i wish i weren't alone so much of the time. 

but that is not what life is about! sometimes you do have to be your own hero. and you are alone for what seems like forever. but you have to remember that when you are down, that just means there has got to be good times ahead. and you will be grateful for those.

it's time to stop wallowing in self pity. because that just leads to anxiety. it's time to remember the blessings i do have. it's time to look forward to the celebration of Christ's life. it's time to serve and bless others. it's time to become a better me.

weaknesses, happiness, and cupcakes

the responses to my post on friday were, well, unexpected. let me be clear: that was not meant to be a self-pity post. however, in retrospect, i guess that it was. as i thought about the responses to the post, i realized that i have been more negative, down-hearted, and even cynical in the last month than i intended to be. i don't want anyone to think that i'm miss negative nancy over here! because i'm really trying not to be!
side note: on sunday i raised my hand when the teacher asked who hated snow, and i felt like a pariah. let me clarify: i don't hate the snow, i just don't like being cold for like 6 months of the year. i like being outside and feeling the warm sun on my skin. i'm definitely a summer girl. but the snow has been so beautiful! i will, in fact, write a post about the things i like about winter, to show you that i am not a hater of snow and all things happy.
 i haven't been nearly as negative as in the past when i've gone through hard times like these. my friend Adam told me back in april that i should not let my situation let me become bitter. i am not bitter i promise! i harbor no hard feelings to any person. but i am still imperfect. as i pondered on this monday morning, a little peeved at the reactions from people about my post, i suddenly realized how imperfect i am.
and it was humbling.

- i feel entitled. i guess you could say it's my logical mind, but according to the way i think, 2+2=4. but sometimes it just doesn't add up. no matter if i'm doing everything on my part, things don't always go the way i want and i'm not always going to get everything i want.

- i have a Scottish temper. last sunday my family was talking about how i got all the scottish genes in the family. it's probably true. i get mad and let it affect me. not good.

- i expect excellence from others, when i let myself off the hook so many times.

- i'm a bit prideful. i get covetous of things that people have that i don't have. going along with entitlement, i feel like i should have it because i'm every bit as good as they are and i work as hard, if not harder, than they do. (but if life were fair then there would be no poverty, no ill health, no differences-- and therefore no need for compassion!) i believe that i'm better than other people and therefore i deserve these blessings i desire. i believe that i'm worse off than other people and so i think that i really need the blessings i desire so that i can be happy again. (what an oxymoron right?)

- i use situations to play the victim card. i will blame my unhappiness on everything and anything but the fact that i might just been feeling a little down, or i might be a little stressed or grumpy.

- i want a timeline set out before me. i am a major planner. i have been working on trusting in the Lord's timing for a long time! and i'm still not very good at it. i just want to know how and when everything big and important is going to happen so that i can plan everything else around that.

- finally, i think i am the bomb.com. it's obviously healthy to think you are awesome person, but i realized that i had been so focused on what was so awesome about myself, and wondering why others couldn't just see that (see here) that i wasn't willing to see my own faults and recognize that i needed more than ever to turn to God and ask Him to show me where to improve.

now i don't want people commenting telling me how awesome and i am, and that guys don't know they are missing, and that i am going to do great things. because i already think that! no need to feed the ego. don't worry, i'm not getting down on myself. in fact, realizing these faults of mine has been a clarifying experience. a light bulb, or "Aha" experience.
something else i have realized is that i have all these faults, but i don't feel hopeless or helpless! in fact, i feel empowered! i know that the Atonement is real and that i can overcome my weaknesses. i know that as i work with the Lord, He can make my "weak things become strong." that is what i am hoping for. i also know that i will never be perfect. but God's grace will make up the difference for me! i don't have to be perfect, i just have to be trying.
i am going to work on being more positive. no more of these "feel-sorry-for-me-and-bring-me-ice-cream" posts. because life is going to be hard no matter what my attitude is! that being said, life can be great if i choose to make it so! i may be a bit antisocial right now because honestly school is really important to me and this is a crazy time of the semester. but life is good and i am determined that i can find the good! there are so many things changing in my life right now and in the near future. i don't know what to expect, but i expect that i can and will be happy- no matter what happens!
sorry that this is such a long post. but i felt it needed to be written. i'm not a negative nancy (most of the time at least) and i'm not perfect either. i'm always working to be happier and more excellent.

if you made it to the bottom of this post, go celebrate by eating a cupcake, maybe with a nice cup of hot cocoa or herbal tea. it's chilly out folks!

antisocial?

*don't worry , there is a picture in this post! keep reading!

you know when you get done with your studying faster than you planned on? and it's friday night and so you really don't feel like studying anymore? and it's snowing out so you can't go running or you will freeeeeze? but, you are avoiding going home because then you have be social, and be around treats and unhealthy food, and possibly not sleep, and probably talk about boys. and you just don't feel up to it.

that's me tonight. i got done with group therapy and then did the homework i needed to do, and even some extras! but i'm still in the library, in my little cave called the first floor. listening to He is We, Joshua Radin, Alicia Keys, and Blake Shelton.

i caught up reading all my blogs today. (and by "caught up" i mean that i read the posts that looked interesting slash funny.) yeah, i'm a major slacker and i don't expect it to get better anytime soon. i mean what do you want me to post about? how we learned about the renal system in pathophysiology this week and Brock and i decided that although the kidney is very important it's definitely the most boring organ to talk about. or i complain about the snow and how i hate the cold and how my feet got wet because boots are already leaky. or i could tell you about how i pretty much would live off goldfish crackers if that were possible. i guess you knew that already. . .

i've been working on overcoming fears and facing scary situations this week. it wasn't actually intentional. but it's turned out that way. it's been. . . good. they say that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. i'm not dead yet. and i want so badly to be fearless.

sometimes i wish things could just go back to the way they were. like the perfect day, if i could go back to it, would be september 28. or october 4. but you can't go back. you just keep moving forward. 

i've been delaying posting about this, buuuut (duh duh duh) i'm doing the 21 Day No Junk Food Challenge again! i didn't post about it when i started last thursday because if i totally failed i didn't want ya'll to know and secretly judge me. but i'm more than a week in and i have not caved- even though i have been sorely tempted! this is a big reason i don't want to go home tonight because there is going to be mountains of delicious treats, found on pinterest, made by girls in my ward, and i don't know if i can control myself. i guess i should go and prove to myself that i can. i will post more about this after it's ended (it ends on Thanksgiving).

this week has been so emotional. what with family health problems, heavy tests, and the usual dating stuff. you know.... and if you don't. well you can ask. i'd rather not talk about it on my blog. but yesterday i was so worn down and stressed. i couldn't concentrate on anything. i was worried. i was lonely. i wished for things to change. i just wanted a quick fix. but i didn't get that. i just had to go face stuff. buck up. and i did. and i'm proud of that.

i really can't delay going home for much longer. i've run out of things to look at on pinterest. and facebook is a bore. so please, if you made it to the end of this post and actually read all of it, comment below, and then go get yourself some ice cream, oreos, pizza, brownies, or french fries. and eat them for me. kthanks bye.

*basically i also miss this. and these kiddos. and also because i think posts without pictures are very boring.

ps. if you have noticed i have mentioned therapy a couple times in a few posts recently. don't worry guys, i will tell you the story behind that. just not now.

storms

some thoughts about storms, in the wake of hurricane sandy. 

we all go through storms. they constantly rage around us. 

sickness. bad grades. disappointing relationships. break ups. loss of jobs. sadness.  

it is so easy to get tossed around in these storms. 

lately i have felt like this. like i'm being tossed around in this storm- like i'm simply drifting in the sea of BYU students.

 i have left lost and hopeless.

but there is hope!

when Christ died, there was a huge storm in the America's. there was no light for 3 days and 3 nights! pitch blackness! but when the light came, the people were focused on the Son. they were ready to see him. the storm had refined them and humbled them enough to be able to see and visit with the Savior. 

one stormy night on the Sea of Galilee, the apostles were rocked by the storm, when they saw walking toward them, a man- Christ. Peter, the only one brave enough to step out on the water when the Savior called to them. he walked a few steps- on the water! but then he stopped, looked around, and realized he was in the middle of the Sea, surrounded by crashing waves, with thunder cracking and lightning blazing around. he could die! he looked away and began to sink, into the storm. as he cried out in fear, the Savior caught hold of his hand. and He lifted Peter to safety.

storms are dark. they are scary. they seem hopeless sometimes.

but Christ is there. He will help us. 

focus on Him. keep your eyes on His loving face! He will never let you sink. He knows what this storm is preparing you for. He knows the blessings in store for you. 

"Our only hope and peace in both physical and spiritual storms is the Savior." 

(Sister Sarah Arnesen, serving and LDS mission in Cleveland, Ohio- after Hurricane Sandy)

thank you Sarah for your inspired insight! I really needed this today!

thought on tuesday

*upon finishing my second graveyard shift. . .  i realize i could do them long term- but only if i don't want a life.

*if you make rules, right them down and stick to them. be true to yourself and what you want in life, long-term. don't trade something you want forever, for something you want just now.

*why do people always give girls chocolate and ice cream when they break up? while i appreciate the kind gestures, i've eaten so many sweets in the last few days that i want to puke. what i really want is a cute new outfit, a trip to Disneyland, or to be registered for my next race.

*you know you love sleep when you look forward to sleeping from 6:45 am to 12 pm, after working all night long.

*it's soup season! who else is excited? i made this delicious butternut squash soup (from Sprouts Market) and added broccoli- perfect combination.

*i'm trying to be positive. but while i believe in optimism, i also believe in honesty. that's why i just tell people "i'm ok." because i'm not good. staying busy helps keep me ok.

*who let my sister's p day be changed from Monday to Tuesday? don't these people know that if i don't get a letter on monday i can't even handle it?

*oh, i went to a football game on saturday. it was like, good. but we lost which is horrid. saturday was not a good day for me or for byu football. (i said it last year and i'll say it again- my dating life and byu football scores are totes connected. someday byu will have an amazing season- and i will be married or something. i think coach mendenhall should do something to make this happen.)

*i need to get out of utah county!!! like really, provo is the pits sometimes. i'm stilling trying to come to peace with the fact that i'm supposed to stay here next year. however i'm hopefully heading up north next weekend so if you live in Logan be excited to see my face!

*did you watch the debate? my friend had a drinking party. so obviously i went. i'm falling off the wagon- it's cool. so in the debate if certain words were said (jobs, America, immigration, etc.) you had to take a drink (sip) or entire cup of root beer. (oh, did you think i meant alcohol? this is byu, people!) after three cups i was so done. i think it's safe to say i would never be good at any alcoholic drinking game. oh but back to the debate, what did you think?

*true confession: i have no plans this weekend other than working a 10 hour shift saturday. it might be time to cash in that month long netflix trial. . . .

*i'm shutting up now. gonna go watch despicable me with my brother (he still hasn't seen it!)

climbing mountains

i once read that if i had faith as a grain of a mustard seed then i would be able to move mountains. dr. suess enthusiastically proclaims, "kid, you'll move mountains!" i believed that with enough faith, grit, spit and duct tape i could move any mountain that stood in my way. i became frustrated when challenges and trials just didn't up and move themselves. i wondered if i was lacking in faith, if i was doing something wrong, or if just needed to work harder. 

over this summer i have come to realize that we can't move every mountain. not because we don't have enough faith or because we aren't trying hard enough. but because the Lord leaves some mountains so that we can climb them, and become stronger. 

how easy it would be to simply have every challenge vanish because of faith! but would that really be best? the strongest people are those who don't have every mountain moved. they are those who climb the Mt. Everest's of life and come out happier, stronger, and more aligned with God's will. 

sometimes when we are faced with mountains to climb, we feel abandoned. we wonder why God left us alone to climb this. we wonder why it had to be this mountain, because our friend's mountain looks so much smaller and easier to climb. 

but he never leaves us alone! he gives us tools and climbing companions to help us reach the other side. he knows perfectly which mountains will challenge us the most, and therefore help us grow the most. 

"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing." Henry B. Eyring

so don't give up! the mountains are there and they may seem daunting. you may wish for them to move. but maybe the moving is really a moving of you. moving closer to God. moving toward a better version of you. 

i know you can do it. keep climbing. he is there and you can make it.

reality check

a few months ago i wrote a post in which i mentioned something about people writing overly optimistic posts all the time. and how that was a little hard for me to read because i try to be real on my blog. let me clarify. it's not that i think people who write up-beat, gushy, optimistic posts are fake or are lying about their lives. i just want to see more than that side of their life. nor does my comment imply that my life is way serious and that i am not happy- ever.

the other day someone questioned my happiness. asking for the "behind the scenes of just american honey." simply because my recent posts have been more happy. i was. . . angry. and this isn't the first time this has happened. 

so, please, allow me to give you a quick reality check. i strive to be 100% real on my blog. this is a lifestyle blog and as such i write about a plethora of things. the bad and the good. i want people to realize that life isn't all rainbows and butterflies and unicorns. but, i hope that from my blog, you also see that life isn't just thunderclouds and flat tires and failing tests. if from reading my blog you get the idea that i am a chronically disheartened and depressed person, then i am sorry. i hope you will take the time to read the happy, fun posts that prove otherwise. 

i am a happy person. i have been greatly blessed in the last month and i feel like i have grown a lot closer to my Heavenly Father. i have struggled with things this last month too. i have made hard decisions, lost a dear friend, reevaluated my career plans, and begun to face some inner demons. granted my life isn't perfect. but at the same time, i really cannot complain. i  know that everything- the good and the bad- in my life right now is happening for a reason. God has a plan for me. i don't know what it is, but i am taking life one step at a time.

so please, if you can't handle hearing the good and the bad, then stop reading my blog. don't question my happiness (especially when sometimes i do just want to crawl back into bed and eat ice cream all day) because i usually am a happy, upbeat person. and if you think that my smiley face is just a facade then you obviously don't know me that well.

yes, this is true: 

but it's also true that life is great! i feel like there are exciting days ahead. and i know that each day is a blessing, not to be taken for granted. 

ps. look for an exciting announcement in the next few weeks!!

learning to love myself

i just got a new job. i will be work as a patient care technician at Center for Change in orem. i am pumped. ever since i heard about this place i have wanted to work there. i just knew it would be a great place to work. since getting hired, i knew that i needed to write this blog post- one that i've been putting off for quite a while, mostly because i didn't know how to say what i wanted to say. so bear with me.

i'm not perfect. i never will be (until i die). 

but there was a time when i felt like i needed to be perfect. 

i felt like i was fat and unattractive. 

i ate because i hated my body. and then i hated my body more because i was not eating healthy.

i didn't want to socialize with people, much less date, because i didn't feel comfortable in my own skin.

i was desperate for a change. i needed to do something to control the dislike i had towards myself. 

i started running. and the year after that i ran in three half marathons. 

i started lifting weights and working out more.

but getting more in shape was not what changed me.

and there was not one pivotal event that changed me into a lover of self. 

no.

it was and is a process. every day decisions. positive self talk. and loving myself the way i am.

but this isn't a post about how you can love yourself more. because that is something you have to figure out on your own. and i'm no professional.

and this isn't a post about how strong and amazing i am. because that's just awkward.

i believe that whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. i believe that what was a weakness can become a strength. you can help others better when you face your struggles head on. 

i'm not perfect. but no one is. i know that the reason i got this job at this time in my life is because i am ready to help those who are at the Center. a year ago i would not have been ready. i know that because i struggled with body image and my relationship with food, i can better understand what these girls are feeling and thinking. 

i know that we can't just run around telling every girl that she is beautiful and hope that she believes it. that doesn't work. loving yourself isn't about what others tell you. it's about what you tell yourself. it's about accepting every part of you- the strengths and weaknesses. the beauties and the "flaws." it is about seeing the beauty in yourself and in the world around you. 

sometimes you just need a little treat. and so i may or may not do this. it's totally cool.

embrace yourself. love life. do things that bring you true happiness. go out and serve someone. laugh as much as possible. life is great! you are beautiful! 

For attractive lips,

Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,

Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,

Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,

Let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.

For poise,

Walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things,

Have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed,

And redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,

You will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands;

One for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

-Audrey Hepburn

why i am REALLY jealous of married people

it's a well known fact that married people go to bed early. and by "early" i mean like 10 or 10:30. correct me if i'm wrong but my experience with married people has led me to believe that they go to bed pretty early (unless they have to work late or something like that).
when you're single you can't go to bed early. well you can. but only if you want to be a social pariah. if you want to go on dates, meet new people, and have a semblance of a social life, then you have to stay up late! even on school nights when you should be getting up by seven the next morning.
some people may be jealous that married people have the companionship, romance, etc. of marriage and a committed relationship. me? i'm really just jealous that after their studying is done, they can just watch an episode of their favorite tv show and fall blissfully asleep by like 11.  i'm out here struggling to flirt it up and make a good impression so that maybe i'll get asked out, and then maybe he will ask me out again, and then maybe he will like me too, and then maybe we will start dating, and then maybe we will keep dating, and then maybe we will fall in love, and then get married.
it's exhausting.
really, all i wanna do is sleep.
so i'm praying i find my husband. before i keel over from lack of sleep. or just stop socializing and seal my destiny. or get desperate and buy this:

guys i really want one. not because i am desperate, but because i think it is the funniest thing i've seen in weeks. when i first saw this i almost stopped breathing because i was laughing so hard. i mean, i'm trying hard not to laugh now- because i'm on the first floor of the HBLL and people would wonder. . . but this is definitely what i'm asking santa for this Christmas! ha ha!

good things to come

in the last few days, i have been blessed with tender mercies. small things that have helped me, that have prevented me from falling into a pit of sadness and despair. things like getting to go to the football game, having an interview at the desired workplace, happy songs on the radio, mormon messages, feeling mostly at peace, meeting cute boys. i know these are all small and maybe even insignificant, but to me, they are important. 

i wondered if i had done the right thing. and honestly, i think that i did. i prayed about this for a long time. i prayed to know if my feelings were correct- and i felt at peace. i prayed to be led to know how to handle the situation- and i was. i have to believe that despite the change and the sadness that there are better days ahead.

“Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

so it's time to move on. to embrace the exciting and unknown days ahead. i may have lost a best friend and had my heart broken, but i know doors will open. and i am a tiny bit excited for that. i honestly have no idea where this school year will lead me. but i know that with the Lord anything is possible!

doing dishes

perhaps you remember the post i wrote on honesty back in the summertime? it is something i thought about a lot. however, i discovered that if you don't start practicing honesty and open communication, then it gets really hard to actually be honest in a tight situation. so yesterday i was faced with a choice- to be honest and possibly lose something that i hold very dear, or to continue to hide my true feelings and face getting hurt more later on.

i chose to be honest.

i'm not eloquent in terms of speaking. i fumble and trip over my words. i feel like what i'm saying isn't making sense.
but when you speak from the heart, it doesn't matter what you say, but what matters is that you mean what you say.

what i did yesterday is definitely one of the hardest things i have ever done. it's always scary to put your soul on the line. being honest means that you willingly put your feelings into someone else's hands and they choose what to do with what you say. but then you have to move on.

doing dishes helps.

sometime this will all be something in the past. something that i learned from and that made me a better person. it made me stronger. but i think it's ok to be sad for a while. because loss always hurts. and pain is real. but i am also moving on. i am free for something better in the future.

making girls happy (and other thoughts)

i realize that most of my posts about dating are depressing and even critical. i don't want anyone to think that i am cynical or angry when it comes to dating or men. for the last week i've been reflecting on the many nice things that different boys have done for me- acts that have made me feel special and cared for. do you remember this card that i posted a couple weeks ago? well guys it's true. you really don't have to do anything grandiose to make a girl fall for you. i've been blessed to have many great men and boys do kind things for me. here are just a few:

- when i was sixteen at EFY i had to leave very early Saturday morning so my mom and i could make the 12 hour drive back to Utah from Calgary. one of the boys in my company knew about it and knew that i was super sad to be leaving everyone. so he got all the boys in my company to wake up before 6 am the next morning and meet me outside my dorm to say good-bye. it was the kindest thing! he became one of my best friends and i truly appreciate his friendship.
- when i graduated from high school my older brother picked me up, took me to lunch, and gave me a picture frame that he had painted himself. another time when i was a sophomore in college, he brought me ice cream when i was having a bad day.
- i dated this boy who planned a special easter egg hunt for me in snowy rexburg because he knew that i wasn't going to be spending easter with my family. he even got me an easter basket with McDonald's for breakfast!
- there were some boys we had dinner group with who helped me realize when my boyfriend was treating me like dirt. they told me that i deserved better. and thankfully i believed them, and got out of that relationship.
- i went out with this boy for a little bit who would send me good morning texts every day. it was the best way to start off my day.
- this boy brought me frozen yogurt while i was at work. i always wanted a boy i liked to come visit me at work, but he was the first one to ever do that. and it was a total surprise!
- i went on a date with a guy, and i was little self conscious about how i looked after working 9 hours that day. he told me i looked beautiful.
- i was running a 10K the other day and came in after my little brother. as i neared the finish line, he found me and ran to the finish with me.

guys (and girls), it really is about the little things! i don't know if i've ever been in love. but i've felt love. and i've given love. i don't know that i've found my eternal love (most likely not) but i know he is out there and that he will love me as much as i love him.
my sister-in-law told me once that love=sacrifice. while i was dating The Missionary i thought that that meant a sacrifice of who i really was and what i thought was important. i thought it meant doing anything (even compromising your opinion of yourself and letting yourself be dragged through the mud) to keep the relationship going. after we broke up and kind of hated that phrase about love and sacrifice. i felt like it wasn't true. but today i realized that it is true. we should sacrifice who we are to be in love with someone. but we do need to sacrifice our pride and selfishness. we should sacrifice the immediate gratification in order to reach the ultimate goal of an eternal marriage. we should sacrifice what might be "good" for something better and lasting.
so i'm gonna keep looking and searching, praying and hoping, and loving everyone, until i find him. it will be all worth it.

news flash: i'm [becoming] a loser!

 for a large part of my life i've been an introvert. in high school i decided i was sick of being so quiet and shy, so i got out of my comfort zone and my bubble and put myself out there. i became and extrovert. since then i've been the girl that always has something fun to do on a weekend night (if i'm not working). i always have friends who want to do something fun and spontaneous. my roommates wanted to get out of the apartment.

last year i had roommates who barely spoke to me and needless to say, i got used to spending my weekend nights alone. i didn't make as much effort to hang out with people or get to know people in my ward. i did make some wonderful friends, but it just wasn't the same.

anyways now it's summer. my last summer of real freedom (next summer i hope/plan to be in an accelerated nursing program and then after that i'll be a real adult with a real job and no summer vacation). and i'm turning down invites and backing out of pre-made plans. i don't even know why i am doing it either!
. . .
because i want to hang out with people. i feel lonely sitting in my apartment every night watching crime shows. i dream of an adventurous, people-filled life. i feel like a despicable human being for blowing off plans today. really, i do.
so what do i do?
my friend daniel told me on sunday to do something crazy this week. well it's friday and the craziest thing i've done is buy a diet dr. pepper. pathetic. i need to do something crazy!
this is not a pity me post. or meant to be negative. it's more like a pep talk to myself. so here goes this little pep talk.
girrrrrrl, you gotta get out of the rut! off the plateau. you've been just floating along waiting for something exciting to come along. but you know what? you can make your own excitement and your own adventures! find people who want to do things you want to do. you know you are a fun person. you know you are pretty. you know you are happy. so be it. do it. if you want to have friends then be a friend. if you want to be happy then be. life is going to get busy- especially now with the new job and long 8 hour shifts. you gotta take advantage of every second you have to do something fun. remember that summer bucket list? you don't have much more time do check things off. so get your butt in gear. stop being lame-o. apologize to the people whom you have flaked out on. be yourself and get over yourself.

so go! climb those mountains! live the dream! take a trip! be spontaneous! be kind. serve more. make new friends and renew old friendships! take every second and live it. be real! have fun! dance freely and love more. 

xo, beka

ps. i have a mosquito bite in my ear. it's either that or a zit. . .

pps. check out my dating post from yesterday and tell me what you think!

fire and lies

there is an odd sort of light streaming in the windows at work. and when i'm driving in my car, the overcast sky is a menacing orange color. everything smells like smoke. you taste it as you breathe in. it even invades homes and work places. utah is on fire. there are six wildfires out of control across utah right now. i am, luckily, not affected, beyond the horrible air quality and clouds of smoke. it is however, an eerie feeling knowing that homes are burning and your fellow utahns are being evacuated. there is also a huge fire raging in colorado springs. so many homes have been burned and hundreds of acres of land. it is insane!

i hope you will join me in praying for those displaced because of the fires, that rain will soon fall, and that our firefighters will continue to be safe and they battle the flames.

crazy fire in CO!

i have been thinking about dating... it's kind of a recurring theme in my life heh heh. anyways i've been thinking about this for a while- the lies that get told when dating. if you haven't read my post on honesty that might be a good spring board into this post. 

lately, as in this past year, i've been really over the dating "game." i just wanna tell it like it is. then there won't be any of this guessing, wondering, stupid "waiting for him to text first", etc. i'm starting to think that if you are interested in someone, even after one date, then you should tell them! don't freak them out and make yourself sound stalkerish, but tactfully let them know you are interested in getting to know them better, that you think they are the bees knees. you wanna know what these dating lies are? read on.

disclaimer: i'm not a dating guru. these are all my thoughts and opinions. feel free to agree or disagree. ie. comment.

1. let's just be friends- usually this is told after a couple of dates, usually some sort of hand holding/cuddling has occurred, and one of you has decided they aren't feeling it. but this does sometimes happen in a real break up too. i hate this because usually one person really does want to see the other again and so they are hoping a friendship will happen. most often though, you aren't friends. not after you started dating, or after you've been in a relationship. usually people say this to soften the blow, to make it seem like it won't be that bad. well here's what i say! if you are breaking up, then do just that- break up. don't try to make it seem better by saying "i still want to be friends." because if you don't intend on acting on those words, then someone is going to end up hurt and angry at your horrible friendship. it's better to make a clean break then to have expectations that you might be friends. if you do still want to be friends (you value that person for more than their dating qualities/physical qualities) then make sure you are a friend! i've been told this lie countless times and i still don't understand why i was told it. but i do know that i'm never going to use that line unless i really mean it. 

2. i'm too busy to date you right now- told in a variety of ways, this is the perfect way to avoid commitment and blow someone off. this is not like when you say no to a second date because you already have plans.  this lie is usually told after two people have been out a couple times and one of you has expressed interest in the other. it's more like an excuse really. either, they are scared of the commitment and sacrifice that it takes to be in a relationship, or they aren't interested and are too wimpy to say so. this excuse also comes in the form of "this long distance relationship doesn't work for me" and "i really need to focus on school/career/etc." it's like the cop out choice. if you aren't interested in someone, don't act like you are! then you won't be in the predicament of having to say that you are "too busy." or if you lose interest in someone then just tell them kindly that you appreciate their interest but you cannot return the compliment and it would probably be best if you didn't go out again.  if you are scared or commitment, sacrifice, or getting hurt, then my dear friend, press onward. as nicole said, loving is about being vulnerable and you are going to get hurt. but you won't know if you don't try! (if you wanted to know this, below, is how i feel when someone tells me they are "too busy to date". hypocritical much? ha ha)

dating is hard. we all know that. but it's also great. let's just all be honest with each other ok? oh and if you want to know what women really want, see below. ps. i've decided not to take a break from dating. i need to keep moving forward and being my happy self and eventually awesome guys will present themselves. and if they don't, my life will still be great.

it is pretty simple

thought on tuesday

*waking up at 6:30 to go vote makes you feel very patriotic, until the mid-morning/afternoon slump hits. then you just want to sleep. utah friends, did you vote? i think you should!

*the ladies at the polling booth asked my mom if this was my first time voting. i laughed inside, because my age is like the #1 question i get. i voted in the last presidential election folks. i'm gettin' old!

*kid skipped past my desk singing "if your finger's in your nose, take it out." so this is what they're teaching kids these days.

*speaking of teaching, working at a children's museum has instilled a great respect in me for moms and teachers a like. i mean sometimes i just want to strangle the little monkeys. (sometimes i want to strangle the parents.) you have to have a lot of patient to be with kids all day long!

proud American

coconut lime banana bread c/o somers

*i loathe public restrooms. loathe. there is nothing more awkward than knowing that someone is sitting a few feet away, in complete silence, listening to you tinkle. maybe that's tmi. i'd way rather go in the privacy of my own apartment.

*my coworker Somers is a magician when it comes to food. today she brought to work coconut lime banana bread. and get this, she just made it up! who does that? also, we started really planning our vegas trip- in two and a half weeks!

*i got a job interview at a rehab center in orem!!! please please please bless i get it- and that i have a good shift. and they let me have time off.

*i officially hate my hair straight. did i just say that out loud? yes, i did. i'm washing it tonight and never straightening it again.

*sierra invited me to the soel blogger meet up tonight and i got work off early so we're going! so. freaking. excited. slash i'm nervous because i'll be coming off an 8.5 hour work day.... not exactly my freshest look. but mostly i'm excited to finally "officially" meet sierra (even though we once met when i went to this, i am not sure if that counts).  who else is going to be there?

*i still can't listen to Call Me Maybe :(

*so there's this kinda cute boy at my work and we say hi every day. anyways. . . too bad this job ends on saturday and he is a pretty quiet fellow. update: we just talked for like five minutes. i mean get my number already buddy!

*i'm making peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookies tonight. aka manna from heaven. i've also been craving pizza lately.

Sarah and a family we met in the Nauvoo Pageant in '08

spencer and some of his mission besties

*i was going to announce today that i'm going on a hiatus from dating. a sabbatical,  you could say. but i just don't know. i read this awesome post about leaning into discomfort and now i think that maybe i should keep "playing the game" as horrible as it is sometimes. because running away isn't going to change anything. and facing your fears (getting rejected, hurt, etc.) will only make me stronger. thoughts?


*supes excited to go home tonight and watch law & order: svu.  thanks lauren for the recommendation!