side note: on sunday i raised my hand when the teacher asked who hated snow, and i felt like a pariah. let me clarify: i don't hate the snow, i just don't like being cold for like 6 months of the year. i like being outside and feeling the warm sun on my skin. i'm definitely a summer girl. but the snow has been so beautiful! i will, in fact, write a post about the things i like about winter, to show you that i am not a hater of snow and all things happy.
i haven't been nearly as negative as in the past when i've gone through hard times like these. my friend Adam told me back in april that i should not let my situation let me become bitter. i am not bitter i promise! i harbor no hard feelings to any person. but i am still imperfect. as i pondered on this monday morning, a little peeved at the reactions from people about my post, i suddenly realized how imperfect i am.
and it was humbling.
- i feel entitled. i guess you could say it's my logical mind, but according to the way i think, 2+2=4. but sometimes it just doesn't add up. no matter if i'm doing everything on my part, things don't always go the way i want and i'm not always going to get everything i want.
- i have a Scottish temper. last sunday my family was talking about how i got all the scottish genes in the family. it's probably true. i get mad and let it affect me. not good.
- i expect excellence from others, when i let myself off the hook so many times.
- i'm a bit prideful. i get covetous of things that people have that i don't have. going along with entitlement, i feel like i should have it because i'm every bit as good as they are and i work as hard, if not harder, than they do. (but if life were fair then there would be no poverty, no ill health, no differences-- and therefore no need for compassion!) i believe that i'm better than other people and therefore i deserve these blessings i desire. i believe that i'm worse off than other people and so i think that i really need the blessings i desire so that i can be happy again. (what an oxymoron right?)
- i use situations to play the victim card. i will blame my unhappiness on everything and anything but the fact that i might just been feeling a little down, or i might be a little stressed or grumpy.
- i want a timeline set out before me. i am a major planner. i have been working on trusting in the Lord's timing for a long time! and i'm still not very good at it. i just want to know how and when everything big and important is going to happen so that i can plan everything else around that.
- finally, i think i am the bomb.com. it's obviously healthy to think you are awesome person, but i realized that i had been so focused on what was so awesome about myself, and wondering why others couldn't just see that (see here) that i wasn't willing to see my own faults and recognize that i needed more than ever to turn to God and ask Him to show me where to improve.
now i don't want people commenting telling me how awesome and i am, and that guys don't know they are missing, and that i am going to do great things. because i already think that! no need to feed the ego. don't worry, i'm not getting down on myself. in fact, realizing these faults of mine has been a clarifying experience. a light bulb, or "Aha" experience.
something else i have realized is that i have all these faults, but i don't feel hopeless or helpless! in fact, i feel empowered! i know that the Atonement is real and that i can overcome my weaknesses. i know that as i work with the Lord, He can make my "weak things become strong." that is what i am hoping for. i also know that i will never be perfect. but God's grace will make up the difference for me! i don't have to be perfect, i just have to be trying.
i am going to work on being more positive. no more of these "feel-sorry-for-me-and-bring-me-ice-cream" posts. because life is going to be hard no matter what my attitude is! that being said, life can be great if i choose to make it so! i may be a bit antisocial right now because honestly school is really important to me and this is a crazy time of the semester. but life is good and i am determined that i can find the good! there are so many things changing in my life right now and in the near future. i don't know what to expect, but i expect that i can and will be happy- no matter what happens!
sorry that this is such a long post. but i felt it needed to be written. i'm not a negative nancy (most of the time at least) and i'm not perfect either. i'm always working to be happier and more excellent.
if you made it to the bottom of this post, go celebrate by eating a cupcake, maybe with a nice cup of hot cocoa or herbal tea. it's chilly out folks!