a love you deserve

why is it that as humans we are always choosing to love someone who treats us as less than we are? i have dated guys who made me feel completely inferior, who made it seem like i had to change to be with them. most of the guys we date do not value us enough to sacrifice what they want in order to date us. guys who were with us when it was convenient for them, or when they simply want a warm body to keep them warm.
why do we let this happen?
repeatedly?
it seems like the second we get over a bad relationship- one that took more than it gave- we forget what it was like to be treated as less than who we are. sometimes we improve, take a step forward and date someone who treats us better. but i think we often fall back into the same trap.
because, we accept the love we think we deserve.

in our society, we grow up thinking we are insignificant. we feel the constant need to prove ourselves. many of us, especially girls, let words and experiences degrade us until we feel like we don't deserve a better love than what we are given by the world. this is not a conscious decision. instead it is something unconscious that we hardly realize we are doing. until we take a step back. . .
and realize, you are infinite.
not just in the moment. and not just when a certain song in playing.
you are a child of God. you are going to be a god or goddess one day! you have a worth that is infinite. i can't completely understand what it means to feel infinite. but i have captured glimpses of my infinite worth. and it is this that is what we should base our love off of.
understanding who we really our- that we are infinite- we can accept better the love we actually deserve.

a love that will treat us as if we are infinite. a love that makes us a better person. a love that lets you be you. a love that puts you first, a priority. a love that shows their love. a love that overcomes challenges and fights for you, not just to have you, but for you to have yourself. 

"What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy.” ― Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

on hanging out, cuddle buddies, and knowing what you want*

i've had a bit of dating experience. it's kind of ironic that i go to my married friends for advice on dating because (no offense friends) i have more actual dating experience than most of them. by "dating experience" i mean that i have been on a bajillion first dates, almost dated many guys, and actually dated a few.

here's the thing: i love hanging out with the guy i like. i like being spontaneous and him just coming over after studying or something. i think hanging out is fun. there is less pressure than an actual date (and i can wear leggings and a t shirt). buuuut, a girl wants to get asked on a date every once in a while, especially by the guy she is interested in. she wants to know that he is actually interested in dating her and not just hanging out with her. i know that eventually dating and hanging out become more synonymous as you start dating more seriously. but the best flattery a girl can get is having a guy she likes and has been hanging out with ask her on  a date. a guy once told me "i really like hanging out with you but i want to ask you on a real date again." it was so great! because it wasn't like we couldn't hang out in between dates, but i also knew that he was interested enough to invest some real time and money into furthering a relationship with me. i was worth it to him. so guys let's get out of the apartment and go somewhere on a date! let's make it an adventure or romantic. whatever. let's just go on a freaking date.

let's be real folks, it's what we here at byu like to call "cuddle season." basically it's the time when the weather is frightful and people want to stay inside. and having someone else to help you keep warm wouldn't be bad either. and let's just say that you like this guy and you have been hanging out and you started cuddling. if you keep hanging out and you still like him there is the hope that you would start dating (please note that this would include going on some actual dates- see above). or you could become cuddle buddies. and to be honest, cuddle buddies is really just the nice way to say booty call. girls, let's not become someone's booty call. we are worth more than that. i'm not saying that you should stop cuddling with any boy unless you are dating. that's completely unrealistic and you will probably end up being a cat lady slash a mormon nun. but, if you feel like your relationship is not going toward an actual dating relationship, but is stuck in the cuddle stage (no dates, just hanging out, watching movies and cuddling) then run the other way. there is a guy out there who is going to take the time to get to know you, take you on real dates, and who will not just want you to be his booty call.  it's better to be alone than to be someone's booty call. you are worth it. don't settle.

finally, sometimes when you start liking someone you aren't really sure of what you want. that's fine. you need to shop around a little to make sure that they are really as awesome as you think they are. so play the field and go out with other guys. it doesn't matter if you are secretly preferring one guy over the rest and you hang out with him more and you cuddle with him. keep your options open. this goes vice versa. don't get upset if a guy you like goes out with another girl. unless it becomes a chronic issue and it's obvious you are just a booty call (see above). the best things in life take a little time. a friend once told me that a guy who really cares won't rush into a relationship. so don't worry. don't rush things. be smart. be logical. think with your head and not just your hormones.

*i wrote this post a while back but i'm finally publishing it. i think these thoughts are worth reading and that every girl should remember these things as we start the new year.

hope

there are those days when i just want to give up hope.  you see hope it a tricky thing. it requires you to have faith and trust and believe in something good for you. faith is fairly easy for me. i know God is there. i know He loves His children. i know He has plans for everyone. in my heart i know that i am beautiful to Him. i told my mom once that i believe in "happily-ever-afters" for other people, but i'm not so sure about myself. and as pathetic as that sounds, it's kind of true. i go back and forth between complete confidence that one day i will find the right guy who absolutely completes me, and wondering if he even exists. is this normal? probably. (i hope so.)

but you can't give up. that's something i've learned this semester. i've wanted to take a hiatus from dating to focus on school and personal things, but i've always received the answer that i should keep going on dates. i don't know why the Lord wants me to date when i have not been successful. i guess i thought that the answer to keep dating meant that i would magically find my husband.

one of my favorite movies has this quote, that really put things into perspective, when it comes to dating.

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs. And someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.
Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, this third act twist: the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.
But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.
And maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over. Freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.
Or maybe the happy ending is this: Knowing that all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never, ever, gave up hope."

so yes, dating is hard. it's hard wondering if he likes you. if he is going to text you. or ask  you out again. wondering why it didn't work out. worrying that it will never work out. but i also need to remember that dating is fun. it's not the beginning and end of the world. it's time to focus on now and make sure that i am becoming my best self. leave the rest to the Lord.

doing dishes

perhaps you remember the post i wrote on honesty back in the summertime? it is something i thought about a lot. however, i discovered that if you don't start practicing honesty and open communication, then it gets really hard to actually be honest in a tight situation. so yesterday i was faced with a choice- to be honest and possibly lose something that i hold very dear, or to continue to hide my true feelings and face getting hurt more later on.

i chose to be honest.

i'm not eloquent in terms of speaking. i fumble and trip over my words. i feel like what i'm saying isn't making sense.
but when you speak from the heart, it doesn't matter what you say, but what matters is that you mean what you say.

what i did yesterday is definitely one of the hardest things i have ever done. it's always scary to put your soul on the line. being honest means that you willingly put your feelings into someone else's hands and they choose what to do with what you say. but then you have to move on.

doing dishes helps.

sometime this will all be something in the past. something that i learned from and that made me a better person. it made me stronger. but i think it's ok to be sad for a while. because loss always hurts. and pain is real. but i am also moving on. i am free for something better in the future.

making girls happy (and other thoughts)

i realize that most of my posts about dating are depressing and even critical. i don't want anyone to think that i am cynical or angry when it comes to dating or men. for the last week i've been reflecting on the many nice things that different boys have done for me- acts that have made me feel special and cared for. do you remember this card that i posted a couple weeks ago? well guys it's true. you really don't have to do anything grandiose to make a girl fall for you. i've been blessed to have many great men and boys do kind things for me. here are just a few:

- when i was sixteen at EFY i had to leave very early Saturday morning so my mom and i could make the 12 hour drive back to Utah from Calgary. one of the boys in my company knew about it and knew that i was super sad to be leaving everyone. so he got all the boys in my company to wake up before 6 am the next morning and meet me outside my dorm to say good-bye. it was the kindest thing! he became one of my best friends and i truly appreciate his friendship.
- when i graduated from high school my older brother picked me up, took me to lunch, and gave me a picture frame that he had painted himself. another time when i was a sophomore in college, he brought me ice cream when i was having a bad day.
- i dated this boy who planned a special easter egg hunt for me in snowy rexburg because he knew that i wasn't going to be spending easter with my family. he even got me an easter basket with McDonald's for breakfast!
- there were some boys we had dinner group with who helped me realize when my boyfriend was treating me like dirt. they told me that i deserved better. and thankfully i believed them, and got out of that relationship.
- i went out with this boy for a little bit who would send me good morning texts every day. it was the best way to start off my day.
- this boy brought me frozen yogurt while i was at work. i always wanted a boy i liked to come visit me at work, but he was the first one to ever do that. and it was a total surprise!
- i went on a date with a guy, and i was little self conscious about how i looked after working 9 hours that day. he told me i looked beautiful.
- i was running a 10K the other day and came in after my little brother. as i neared the finish line, he found me and ran to the finish with me.

guys (and girls), it really is about the little things! i don't know if i've ever been in love. but i've felt love. and i've given love. i don't know that i've found my eternal love (most likely not) but i know he is out there and that he will love me as much as i love him.
my sister-in-law told me once that love=sacrifice. while i was dating The Missionary i thought that that meant a sacrifice of who i really was and what i thought was important. i thought it meant doing anything (even compromising your opinion of yourself and letting yourself be dragged through the mud) to keep the relationship going. after we broke up and kind of hated that phrase about love and sacrifice. i felt like it wasn't true. but today i realized that it is true. we should sacrifice who we are to be in love with someone. but we do need to sacrifice our pride and selfishness. we should sacrifice the immediate gratification in order to reach the ultimate goal of an eternal marriage. we should sacrifice what might be "good" for something better and lasting.
so i'm gonna keep looking and searching, praying and hoping, and loving everyone, until i find him. it will be all worth it.

fire and lies

there is an odd sort of light streaming in the windows at work. and when i'm driving in my car, the overcast sky is a menacing orange color. everything smells like smoke. you taste it as you breathe in. it even invades homes and work places. utah is on fire. there are six wildfires out of control across utah right now. i am, luckily, not affected, beyond the horrible air quality and clouds of smoke. it is however, an eerie feeling knowing that homes are burning and your fellow utahns are being evacuated. there is also a huge fire raging in colorado springs. so many homes have been burned and hundreds of acres of land. it is insane!

i hope you will join me in praying for those displaced because of the fires, that rain will soon fall, and that our firefighters will continue to be safe and they battle the flames.

crazy fire in CO!

i have been thinking about dating... it's kind of a recurring theme in my life heh heh. anyways i've been thinking about this for a while- the lies that get told when dating. if you haven't read my post on honesty that might be a good spring board into this post. 

lately, as in this past year, i've been really over the dating "game." i just wanna tell it like it is. then there won't be any of this guessing, wondering, stupid "waiting for him to text first", etc. i'm starting to think that if you are interested in someone, even after one date, then you should tell them! don't freak them out and make yourself sound stalkerish, but tactfully let them know you are interested in getting to know them better, that you think they are the bees knees. you wanna know what these dating lies are? read on.

disclaimer: i'm not a dating guru. these are all my thoughts and opinions. feel free to agree or disagree. ie. comment.

1. let's just be friends- usually this is told after a couple of dates, usually some sort of hand holding/cuddling has occurred, and one of you has decided they aren't feeling it. but this does sometimes happen in a real break up too. i hate this because usually one person really does want to see the other again and so they are hoping a friendship will happen. most often though, you aren't friends. not after you started dating, or after you've been in a relationship. usually people say this to soften the blow, to make it seem like it won't be that bad. well here's what i say! if you are breaking up, then do just that- break up. don't try to make it seem better by saying "i still want to be friends." because if you don't intend on acting on those words, then someone is going to end up hurt and angry at your horrible friendship. it's better to make a clean break then to have expectations that you might be friends. if you do still want to be friends (you value that person for more than their dating qualities/physical qualities) then make sure you are a friend! i've been told this lie countless times and i still don't understand why i was told it. but i do know that i'm never going to use that line unless i really mean it. 

2. i'm too busy to date you right now- told in a variety of ways, this is the perfect way to avoid commitment and blow someone off. this is not like when you say no to a second date because you already have plans.  this lie is usually told after two people have been out a couple times and one of you has expressed interest in the other. it's more like an excuse really. either, they are scared of the commitment and sacrifice that it takes to be in a relationship, or they aren't interested and are too wimpy to say so. this excuse also comes in the form of "this long distance relationship doesn't work for me" and "i really need to focus on school/career/etc." it's like the cop out choice. if you aren't interested in someone, don't act like you are! then you won't be in the predicament of having to say that you are "too busy." or if you lose interest in someone then just tell them kindly that you appreciate their interest but you cannot return the compliment and it would probably be best if you didn't go out again.  if you are scared or commitment, sacrifice, or getting hurt, then my dear friend, press onward. as nicole said, loving is about being vulnerable and you are going to get hurt. but you won't know if you don't try! (if you wanted to know this, below, is how i feel when someone tells me they are "too busy to date". hypocritical much? ha ha)

dating is hard. we all know that. but it's also great. let's just all be honest with each other ok? oh and if you want to know what women really want, see below. ps. i've decided not to take a break from dating. i need to keep moving forward and being my happy self and eventually awesome guys will present themselves. and if they don't, my life will still be great.

it is pretty simple

dear life,

this week has been forevers long. like the type of long where i wish i could go back to last thursday when i woke up at 4 am to go to clinicals. yes folks, i've come to that.  i need a new job- mostly because the museum closes in like 9 days and so my time here will also come to a close, but also because this whole sitting at a desk thing and staying inside the same 25 square feet thing, is not working out for my sanity.  but it's like no one wants to employ me. i'm getting desperate. i need (and want) a job as a CNA, but apparently i cannot find one... or maybe it's just that no one wants me. poop.

dear p-town, me and you? well it's just not working out. i hope i can last another year in happy valley. not happy that it's a whole year, trust me.

dear cookie dough, i am super happy i decided to make you on a whim at 11:30 pm. i see us having some good times together.

dear hulu, i really need a new drama to watch. i just can't watch any of those teeny-bopper shows cough cough pretty little liars. . .

dear "perfect life" bloggers, don't be offended, but sometimes i throw up in my mouth over your posts. like really, your life can't be that perfect. there has got to be something that you dislike or that you are struggling with. because if you were perfect, you would have been translated.*

dear car, how and when did you get so dusty? did you go on an adventure without me? like for real, i can't even see out of the windows.

dear carlie, if i'm not a priority in your life, i won't make you a priority in mine. call me. . . maybe?

dear boys (in general), i'm thinking of taking a hiatus from dating. is it bad to say no to dates just because you don't want to go out and potentially end up in a hurting situation? input please.

dear gmail, don't worry about the fact that i check you at least 20 times a day. . . and still the only unread message is from me. it's like i'm hoping some amazing piece of mail will magically appear.

dear bright colored pants, i want you in coral, mint green, turquoise, and even pink.

dear j biebs, apparently you have something really big going on all around the world. is it bad that i don't really care? probably the only one on twitter. . .

dear weekend, i just want to survive you and get to monday. i new week sounds just glorious.

dear noah, please please get better. it makes me so sorry to hear you have malaria. you are in my prayers!

xo beka

*i sincerely hope i did not offend anyone because that was not my intent in the least. if your life is perfect then kudos to you. maybe you should help me out by giving me an attitude adjustment. ps. i really do love my life, for the most part.

yolo= you obviously love oreos*

i realize this blog is a pretty serious blog. i am not a very naturally witty writer i guess. i would say this blog is happy, but for the last little while it has been pretty serious. or maybe it's just that i feel kind of gloomy today.  because really my life is awesomespice. sure, there are things that totally suck (i.e. getting my brother's $500 bike stolen from me). but as a general rule, i'm doing pretty dandy. 

i haven't posted much in june. not nearly as much as i posted in may. and my posts have generally been a few words and some pictures slapped down on the page. forgive me, and my lack of wit. or lack of passion. whatever. i'm a little tired of writing about the "real" me at the moment. i'm all tuckered out. or maybe that's just the afternoon shlump speaking. now don't you worry your pretty little mind. i will get back to posting about my life and it's winding path to destination unknown, but i maybe need to take a small hiatus. (now watch, as i am back posting tomorrow. i'm a hypocrite.) 

or maybe i just got blog conscious. 

some people whose blogs i really admire have been called out the past few weeks for being "too personal" or having their own opinions, or talking about their pregnancy's on their blogs. geez i want to salmon slap all those fools- and the fool who stole my brother's bike. 

whew, but enough with the violence already.

 i sometimes wonder if people are secretly judging me (because i have yet to receive any mean comments) for being "too real" or "too honest." guyssss there is no such thing as being too honest! there is honest and dishonest. black and white. so, you know, go in the corner and deal with it. 

but really the biggest thing halting my posting right now is that i am coming off a wonderful spring term and i have zero idea what to expect for summer term. it is a little scary. because the healing is over and now i gotta move forward. into the big wild unknown. there are paths i could take, opportunities i could pursue. or not. but i know that not going after anything good will only bring me regret. and i don't want that. 

in other news: i have decided that dating may not be such a big topic on this blog for a while. i will still probably say if i go on a date (because we all know that is BIG news, especially if the date does well) but i'm not going to really disclose much more than that. i don't want to just prematurely into anything and i don't really feel like making my dating life public until something real is in the picture. oh, but i did go on a date last saturday (i failed to mention this in my weekend post) and it was the best date i have been on all summer. srrrsly. whoops i was about to write more but then i realized that i would be giving away too much info. (it's kind of like in CSI when they have a suspect in custody but they don't want to tell the public about it for some reason or another, because if they do mass anger/violence will break out.)
speaking of dating, i'm super done with the one week-one month romances. like really. i am ready for real lasting commitment. at least three months people. you hardly know me after one! so yeah, if you aren't in it to "win it" then walk away before you even get started. please? 

finally, do you have any questions for me or things you want me to post about/things you want to learn about me? i have quite a few new followers (booyah and thank you!) and i'd love for you to get to know me! and my get to know me page is still under construction.... cough cough. 

randoms:

i think i will make some oatmeal raisin cookies tonight when i get home. am i the only person who thinks these cookies are divine?

miss sierra ainge and i are dying to go boating. it's what i think about in most of my free time. that, and who i'm going to get to take me on a motorcycle ride. yup, i'm a deep thinker. i already asked the one friend who i know has a boat and, well, i got rejected. if anyone wants to take us i will bring snacks and sierra will bring... herself because her presence is a gift in and of itself.

i'm going to the temple after work tonight. first time in 3 weeks. i feel like i've been in the desert for 40 years! i'm pretty sure my life will seem much less confusing/complicated after the temple. it usually does. 

and now i'm going to add in some cute pictures and stuff to this post because no one is really going to read everything i just wrote.

oh, and if anyone knows of any CNA jobs in Provo/Orem area will you let me know? i need one asap. 

kthnanksbye.

*this is a true statement. i love oreos.

word-ful wednesday

yesterday i had nothing to say. my mind was. . . well, empty. today it seems like everything is my mind is spilling over and my brain might explode. so, please bear with me as i proceed on a very jumbled and random post. and don't judge that the writing isn't eloquent. i'm too tired to think eloquently. 

*most of this really is addressed to me and my own short comings*

i realized today that i let myself be friend zoned a lot. in fact, i think all girls are friend zoned a lot. mostly because guys and girls are too afraid to say what they want and how they feel. we are afraid of being honest. we are afraid of ruining a friendship by asking that friend on a date or telling them how we feel about them. it is "easier" just to stay in the friend zone, than to risk being hurt if they don't like you back or it doesn't work out. but honestly is it worth it? 

i got a wedding invitation today from a guy who i was in love with freshman year. we did everything together and i considered him my best friend. i always hoped something would happen when he got home from his mission, but i always expected him to be the one who would suddenly "see the light" and fall madly in love with me. i was too scared to tell him how i felt- until it was too late. when i finally told him, he was already dating another girl (his fiance now) and i knew in my heart that i was far too late. so now i have a wedding announcement in my garbage because i just can't stand to look at it. 

this, and other smaller events, gave birth to my brain explosion today.

as girls i think we expect (due to stories we read, hear and watch every day) that some day this guy is going to look over and realize we are what he has always wanted and suddenly a fairy tale will ensue and everything will be perfect. another dating lie is that if the impossible happened for someone else, then it can happen to you. not true. we are the rule not the exception!  however, i submit that it is not that easy! girls, we have to put forth some effort. because, for the most part, guys are pretty dim. sometimes we have to let them know what we want. and then, we have to be willing to walk away (even from a great friendship), if he doesn't want the same things. yes, we have to walk away- completely. because, after God,  you want to be number one in a man's life. not his number five, number twenty-seven, or number one hundred sixty-three. it's hard to walk away, but it can be done.

really, this just comes down to honesty. walking away requires telling him (or her) how you feel and then being able to accept what they feel and chose to do. oh, what's that you say? it's scary to tell people how you honestly feel about them? yes it is. i know. i tend to be more the passive aggressive type. hinting, hinting, hinting- and hoping someday they get the message. however, talking with friends and also having friends who are not passive aggressive, has helped me realize that in all things just say what you feel. don't be afraid of offending someone or losing friends. if you feel strongly about something, find a kind and tactful way to tell them. i've lost many a relationship because i didn't communicate clearly what i was thinking. i expected them to pick up on my hints and come to me apologizing. but that's not really how it works. no one can read minds (or in my case, heavily encrypted hints).  the faster we learn to talk about and express our feelings, in a constructive way, the better off we are. 

but don't be mean or petty. don't place blame. don't just look at faults. remember that you care about this person. remember that you are also a part of the relationship and therefore responsibility for where you are is partly on you. remember that if you don't have something nice to say then you probably shouldn't say anything at all. 

wow look at me being all philosophical and therapeutic. guess i should start practicing what i preach right?

i need to break out of my passive-aggressive shell and tell him what i am feeling. be willing to accept the consequences. and walk away. because i don't want another experience like i had today. i don't want another "what if?".  

because, when a guy becomes your "list," your "standard" then you probably ought to let him know. if it doesn't work out, i can move on. but at least i won't be hanging on to the hope that maybe one day i will be his number one. i can't keep getting upset because he takes two days to text me back (a five word answer- gee thanks!). even if we are "good friends" i know that will never be enough, unless i find someone better for me. but i will always wonder. . .

ah! this is a freaking scary post. i'm scared to post this because it's so honest and so personal. but this is my blog and i can write whatever i want. if you don't like it, then don't read it. i do believe everything i wrote, but it's hard to put those belief's into actions. it's scary. i've always said that i value my friendship with a guy more than i want to date him- one of the big reasons i don't even try to date any of my friends, because i don't want to ruin a friendship. but in the end friends are not the most important thing, are they? it's the man who is across from you at the temple, making vows that will seal you together forever. it's the man who will help you raise your children and do the dishes for you when you are just too tired. it's the man who will be your best friend and your lover. it's the man who will serve God and help you to serve Him too. that's the thing that matters most. that's who you will be with forever.

so yeah, it's freaking scary to tell people how you feel. but if they don't want you, for all you are and have to offer life, then it's not worth it. it's better to die with a clean stab to the heart, than to be stabbed over and over with pins until you bleed out. (i apologize for my gory metaphor. . . ) and, it's only by doing the thing we fear, that we over come out fears. then we are not afraid anymore. 

so here's what i'm gonna do:

- speak what i feel. all the time. be honest.

- be more open in my dating relationships. right from the beginning.

- if someone hurts or offends me, let them know in a timely, kind, tactful manner.

- be myself 100%. don't be ashamed of my odd quirks!

- be totally honest on this blog. write what i want.

on another note, there are fish in the flaming sea! do not let a break up or a wish stop you from finding another guy who might be better than you could ever imagine! i believe that you marry your best friend, but it might be that you become best friends through dating and courtship. and don't worry. no matter if you are 16 or 26, the guy will come along. someday when  the time is right. he will be there. and you will be his one.

irrational fears no. 1

you know those things you totally are afraid of, but really for no good reason? because they are completely unfounded. i'm not talking about being afraid of spiders or being afraid of airplanes. i'm talking about those fears that are so crazy that you never, ever talk about them. because people will probably laugh.

it's time i shared one of mine. please don't laugh. this fear has struck my heart quite a few times since starting this college experience. (and by "college experience" of course i mean datinglookingforahusbandatBYUbeforeallthehomewardladiesthinki'mdestinedtobeanoldmaid experience.) did you catch that?

sometimes (deep breath) i am super scared that i am going to marry someone who is not attractive.

ok ok, i know, how shallow can i a girl get?! like i'm laughing that i just wrote that sentence. it's ridiculous. but it's still a fear. especially after i get rejected, or when i feel like i just can't find a guy that i would want to date, this fear starts to creep into my head.

i worry that since all the guys who are asking me out are not that attractive to me, or that the guys i think are attractive are either tools or unavailable, that there is no hope and i will inevitably end up with an unattractive man.

it used to consume my mind. and then i had a light bulb. i realized "beka, you idiot, of course you aren't going to marry someone you aren't attracted to. that would be just dumb. you are going to think he is the hottest thing since jalapeno peppers. so don't you worry!"


so every time i get worried that i'm going to marry an ugly man, i just remind myself that that is quite impossible and will never happen.

but all the same, i think i'm going to go to England and find Rupert, fall madly in love, and get married. just to be on the safe side.

do you have any irrational fears? what are they? do share.

ps. please do not be offended because i said some guys were unattractive/ugly. i meant that they are not attractive to me. please remember that we all have different tastes and i'm pretty sure many guys do not find me that pretty either. that's just life. if you can't deal with it, then go grow up. and then come back and read my blog.

{trying to} let go

i had planned today to write a really wonderful post about letting go and moving on. but i'm really not ready to do it. i would be writing about what i want to happen, but my heart wouldn't be in it. so i've decided not to write about happiness and moving on. that would just be hypocritical.

i'm doing pretty good right now. mostly because my coworker brought me a slice of pepperoni, sausage, bacon pizza. and we all know that pizza = happiness. i'm pretty sure it's impossible to eat pizza and be sad at the same time. but maybe it is. speaking of food, last night i made this Ready to Eat chocolate chip cookie dough recipe. it's not that i don't want to eat raw eggs (i have been eating raw cookie dough since i could walk and i've been just fine), but i didn't want to have to make a whole batch of cookie dough that only i would eat, and this recipe makes a single serving. i doubled it so i got some for today. booyah. i used whole wheat flour instead of white, and i used water instead of milk.
ok! enough talk of food, down to my feelings and junk (mostly because people seem to comment slash read more when i write philosophical, emotionally driven posts. . . apparently my day to day life is not exciting.)

it's easy to talk about the unimportant stuff. like pizza, chocolate chip cookie dough, cute stuff you found in Pinterest, or your favorite summertime activity. it's hard, for me, to talk about stuff like being hurt, feeling confused, moving on, and being impatient. mostly because it's my fault that i'm not moving on. people i talk to have the expression of "giiiirl, get over yourself. we all get hurt. now move on. we are all sick of hearing about how you loved and lost." i feel like people think i should be back on the dating bandwagon- confidant, spunky, and flirtatious. i hear people saying things like "it will work out when it's the right one" or "it's only going to hurt until it is the right guy." and sometimes i want to throw this back in their face because i know that if it was a trial of theirs that they had a really hard time understanding, they wouldn't want me (an outside, inexperienced observer) telling them how to think, feel and do.

and the thing is, i know that they are right. in the deepest part of my heart, i know that one day i will have all my dreams come true. "God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as he always has. But he can't if you don't pray, and he can't if you don't dream. In short, he can't if you don't believe" (Jeffrey R. Holland.)

but it's not as simple as that. a part of me wants to scorn men. forgo being the endlessly rejected girl, to being the brazen breaker of men's hearts. be so fabulous that every one wants me or wants to be me. making all those heart breakers of the past regret their decision to let me go. toying with men everywhere but crushing their hopes of dating me.

are you laughing? i am, a little. i'm not that girl. i'm not a scorner or a heart breaker. i'm a people pleaser. the girl who wants to change the world. the girl who hates to see people in pain. i'm a dreamer. and a fighter. and then i realized, that who i am is the part of me that will never change, no matter how many times i get hurt or how many times i have to start over.

i don't know when i will be able to let go. it's not so easy as it seems. i want closure. i want resolution. i want my questions answered. i want to know if there is still a chance. i hate seeing relationships (of any kind) die because i am unfailingly loyal and i am not a quitter. but maybe it's time to cut my losses, recognize that i chose someone who was not right for me, and quit. not because i did something wrong. or even that he did something wrong. but because it wasn't right.   

i hope i can let go soon. the pain (and the eating of sweets) is really starting to pay a toll. it is emotionally draining. all the cute sayings and pictures on pinterest make letting go seem so easy. but it's not! it's maddening. scary. and sad. 

how can i let go? how can i refill my days with happiness and laughter? how can i take the peace i receive each morning through prayer and scripture study, and carry it with me throughout the day? how can i recognize the good parts of the relationship and not focus on the ending? how can i look to the past without bitterness? how can i forgive him but not forget?

*please bless that my weekend provides some relief from all these questions*

love and other stuff

for confidential reasons i have given people in this post nicknames. however if you know me well you will probably be able to figure out who they are. deal with it.

"some people say i care too much . . . i think it's called love" (winnie the pooh)

there are so many quotes about fighting for love and for someone that makes you feel special. they say that if you can't go a day without thinking about someone, then you should fight to keep them in your life. i thought that if it was something that made you happy then you should work at it. i thought that once you chose your love, it would work out. i thought that if you were willing to work past the fear that things would be ok. i thought that two people who cared about each other could last despite distance, time, and busy schedules. 

i've learned a lot from dating. when i started dating The Missionary, i was full of hopes and dreams. everyone said we were going to get married. he said he loved me and i naively reciprocated. i fell in love with his family. we spent every second we could together, or texting each other. i thought i was happy. i convinced myself that i was so. that it would work out because everyone said we were meant for each other and i had waited 3 years to date him. but looking back, i was not happy. i was in constant turmoil. did he love me like he said he did? if he did, then why couldn't he decide if he really wanted to date me? why did we have to go back and forth between dating and not dating? why did i feel like i wasn't good enough for what he wanted and needed? but i thought i loved him and so i was going to stick it out even if it hurt. i had once heard that "love is sacrifice" and i sacrificed so much to continue to date him. finally i couldn't fight anymore. he was not in love with me. he was not committed. i don't even know how much he actually ever wanted to date me. we broke up and i was heartbroken. his excuse of "i'm not ready for a girlfriend right now" became completely invalid when two weeks later he had a new girlfriend. it was crushing.

after The Missionary, i did not date anyone. i made rules about who i would date and i did not want to settle. i started dating some guys, but it was never right and never worked out. i went to Uganda and learned more about the man i wanted and deserved. the semester after The Missionary and i broke up,  i became good friends with Peter Pan. we had known each other casually since 9th grade, but never really became friends. now we did. it was a blessing to have a good guy friend. i came home from Uganda and Peter Pan was still there. after a rocky semester where our friendship was tested and dating came up multiple times, i discovered that i really did care about him and i wanted to date him. the timing was never right. either he wanted to date me and i didn't want to date him. or vice versa. or one of us was out of the state. 

when Peter Pan went to Russia for winter semester i told myself that i would not date anyone unless they were as good, or better than Pan. a high order in the smallest sense, because Pan and i had been friends for a year and i was completely comfortable around him. i went on a lot of dates winter semester- one week getting asked out 5 times. it was like the dating gods were throwing them all at me. none of them compared. they were good nice guys, but not what i was looking for. then, a month before the semester ended, i met Oregon Boy. i was instantly attracted and thus began a whirlwind romance of late night phone calls, road trips to see each other, romantic love letters, and perfect dates. i felt special. i felt like i was living in a fairytale. he was my prince and i was a princess. i had never met a guy who treated me so well and with such respect. one night, by the pond in the JFSB courtyard he handed me a penny and told me to make a wish. so i did. i wished that we would work out. that this might be my happy ending. i was somewhat fearful and anxious, but not so much at the beginning. we did move fast and i new that we needed to slow things down. i was fine with that. but after a perfect weekend, he called and texted me less and less. my anxieties grew. i desperately wanted it to work out. i had not dated anyone in a year and a half for a reason- that reason being that i did not want to get hurt again!  somedays i could barely keep myself together. it was as if the real happiness that i had experienced was leaving and i couldn't hold on to it no matter how hard i tried. when we broke up it wasn't a big surprise. i knew it was coming, like you know a thunderstorm is coming. but still i cried. every inadequacy, weakness, and unhappy thought that had plagued me the last year and a half came storming back and took over my mind. i cried until i was numb and i had a headache. and then i vowed not to cry over it again. i had finals to worry about. and i haven't cried since. not even when he didn't call even though he said he would. not even when i didn't get the internship. not even when he told me he didn't want to talk to me. not even when so many people have asked me about it. not even when my sister wrote me the sweetest note about the Atonement. i can't cry, because if i cry that means i loved and lost. and i don't want to admit to that. 

i have not healed. i am not ready to date again. i am not even ready to take a chance with Peter Pan. at night i am filled with physical pain because it hurts. some say that love covers all bounds. so why did it not work out with me and Oregon? he was so good to me! was my love (care) for him unrequited? or did he let fear take over? or was it something i did? 

but it comes down to this:

sometimes life seems like it's just one heart break after another. but that's because we forget the good times in between the heart breaks. and we forget that the heart is probably the strongest organ in the body. as a muscle it is elastic, extensible, contractile, autorythmic, and conductive. it has the ability to pump 6,000-7,500 liters of blood to your body each day. this blood keeps us warm, delivers nutrients to organs, keeps our brain working, allows our muscles to contract and relax, and heals our wounds. the heart really is miraculous! what does this have to do with heart break? the heart has the amazing capability to adapt. examples: heart transplants, by-pass surgery, grafts, etc. despite the pressures we place on our hearts (via junk food, lack of exercise, and genetics), they continue to beat. they continue to provide us with life. and even though my heart is broken now, i continue to live. i go to work. i have fun with my roommate. i hang out with friends. i pretend to have interest in other guys. i plan for the future. and life goes on. 

and my happy ending might not include a man. not right now. i'm trying to move on. trying to let my heart heal. but it will take a while. so please be patient with me.

xo, beka

not the post you thought it would be

i feel like i'm pretty much a professional the "pity-me" posts. i mean, i could earn money writing those things. so you probably thought this post was going to be about how much i hate dating and how much i'm hurt and how i never want to love again. it's not. this is over. but i can't and won't dwell on it. maybe things will work out in the fall. but the timing was not right for now. yesterday was the day to feel sad. today is the day to move on. and so i am being thankful. for the people who care enough to ask, hug, and send love.

to parentals. mom for letting my cry on the phone for an hour. dad for getting pissed and wanting to beat people up. [dad, at your age i don't think that is wise heh heh.]

to jake. the first person i talked to and the best comfort. for letting me study with you in the secret french rooms in the jkb. for not caring that i wore a hat and looked like trash. for the previous freak out sessions. for not judging me because you saw me cry twice in one week.

to adam. for calling me back.  for talking to me. hugging me. letting me cry. again. for helping me put things into perspective and see things from the other point of view. for reminding me to be patient. for telling me my hat was ugly [actually i don't think it's ugly but whatever.]

to shealyn. you are the best cousin! for calling me when my text was less than enthusiastic. for talking to me. for making me laugh and smile all the time, even when i don't want to. for building me up and making me feel good about myself. for understanding.

to extended family. just for being you. uncle ron, you better take me shooting- your 9 mm is legit. g&g thomas- you are the best- thanks for being my heroes. ronald, hyrum, james- you make me laugh and i am proud to have such great worthy priesthood holders as cousins. shalisa- thanks for calling me pretty girl- you are the pretty one.

to adam and sarah. for the kind FB messages. for the offer to skype. for wanting to kill the boys who break my heart.

to craig and sammy. for reminding me to keep moving, be patient, and not be bitter.

to ashley, for sending love my way and letting my know my pathetic amount of tweets did not go unnoticed. [ps. i may be a total creep but i'm pretty sure i talked to you on the phone today when you called the Bean museum.]

to coworkers, for making and sharing peanut butter banana bread with me. for bringing me Gilmore Girls. for listening to me. for offering to give help, love and support.

to allison [future roommate!] for reminding me of the bright side of being single and living with you.

that's all. if i think about it too much i just cry. woops! back to studying for finals!

dear dating world,

i'm taking a leave of absence for the next little while. you see, it's not that i don't like you, i do, the timing is just all wrong. i'm just out of good byes. something has come up- it's called school. and caring about myself. call me selfish. tell me i'm never going to get married. deal with it. this isn't about you- it's about me. i need to do well in school. i need to explore. i need to live life to the fullest. i need to run. i need to start doing the things i really love. i need to be me and not care about what anyone thinks or about which young man i am trying to impress at the moment. it's not that i'm giving up. i'm not.
i'm waiting.
for the one man who will prove me wrong. for the man who will treat me like i deserve and will make me feel like the most important person on the planet. for the kind of love that ron and hermione have. the love that comes from true friendship and that works together to defeat evil. that love that makes you feel giddy, not nervous. for peace, not fear. for the jim and pam kind of love. the best friend kind of love. for the man who will chase me no matter where i feel like going, and who will be able to convince that his love is greater than any crazy scheme i can think of to escape. for the mr. darcy and elizabeth bennett kind of love.  for the love that i see in my grandparents and my parents. for the love that brings me, and him, closer to God.
so please forgive me while i take this short sabbatical.
because i don't have time to waste going on pointless dates with flakey, non-committal guys. or guys who think they are god's gift to women. or even for guys who just don't know what they want. you can say i'm giving up. you can judge me all you want (although if you do then you will go to hell.... just saying). my best friends may be married, but it's not for me right now. i want what they have, and it's obvious i'm not finding it right now.
so, unless there is a miracle, i will take a short hiatus from any type of dating. because it's kind of a joke. and it's kind of ridiculous. there are angry and sad things i want to say. as well as sappy and cheesy things. i will spare you. please, please, please, don't try to force me to date. i don't want blind dates. i don't want any dates. i just want some good friends, harry potter, school, and running. after all, when God is on my side, i know i will win.

much love [not],
Beka

ps. and NO i'm not going on a mission- so don't ask!

he's just not that into you

have you seen this movie?

it changed my life.


i AM NOT the exception. i am the rule.

he might call/text, but most likely he won't.


am i bitter? no. maybe just a little disillusioned.

it's all good. i'm moving outta here after i graduate.

so long suckas...........

who'da thunk?

{warning: this post might be slightly bipolar/disordered}


if, six months ago, you had told me that today i would be single- and actually liking it- i would have either laughed hysterically or punched your eye out. honestly, i thought by now i'd be seriously dating/engaged. but- to say the least, i'm not. psh. whatever. i've gone through the devastating sadness, the fuming anger, bitterness, not caring, and forgiveness. i am over it.
so often here at BYU relationships are put in the fore light- in front of school and even church. [i mean, we have a relationships Sunday School class in my singles ward.] now, i'll be the first advocate of strong relationships. after all life isn't about how much money/fame/etc you have, but about family, friends, and love.  i believe that your best friends should be your family. that no friendship should ever be allowed to end. that people are way more important than your problems. BUT sometimes at this mormon-ville university, i feel like i have to get married- now. if, as a young women, you are not married by the ripe old age of 21, then you must go out and serve a mission. if you are 22, not married (or engaged) and not on a mission, i sometimes get the vibe of "well, excuse me Sister, what are you doing here? please take your ancient body and find a man or get a black name tag on." news flash: 22 is not that old!
when you focus so much on mating (i prefer this to marriage in this situation because there is difference between focusing on the ordinance of marriage and continually being on the prowl. also, i am taking a genetics class and we often talk about mating- flies and such.) you can't focus on what is really important- the Gospel, service to God and others, strengthening testimonies, getting an education, keeping our bodies fit, etc. obviously my friends who know me well enough are now thinking: "beka you are one of the most boy crazy girls i know. you are always checking guys out, talking to boys, going on dates, and, for heavens sake you have a Word document on your laptop entitled 'wedding!' so how can you profess to be an expert on waiting patiently for Prince Charming to come?" good question ralph. please allow me to answer. i have waited.[i mean, i waited for 2 stinkin years for something that didn't work out. ha. but thats in the past.] i'm still waiting actually. and i am not a patient person, not in many things. but in this thing, i am resigned determined to be patient. because i know that my Mr. Right will come along. and then, well it will be a whole new adventure.
for now, i am content with my adventure. i have learned so many things since October- hard, hard lessons. some of these lessons were a slap in the face lesson and others were more like a warm hug from a loving Father. i've learned about me, and i've become more of the person i want to be when i "grow up." yes, sometimes i feel a little sad that my friends all are getting married (but really not all). then i think to myself, woman, you are going to Africa. that usually makes the sadness run away. i've realized that there are so many good things around me.[for example- today was Oreo Wednesday at the Bean. i got some free oreos. and i felt great about that.] so many good people. so much to learn. so many blessings. so much love. am i grateful i went through a heart break? hmmm, to be totally honest- NO. but i am sincerely thankful for what i have gained.
so. . .  yes, my life is great. i am not bitter, but i am closing the subject of past "waiting and dating". my life is one big adventure and it's just about to get even more adventurous! if you are new to my new blog, welcome. please don't leave because this post is slightly off. i didn't mean for this to be bitter or judgmental in any way. i know marriage is the only way to attain exaltation, i think finding your eternal companion is a very serious matter. more on that later....i'm a completely  normal 21 year old female student. tonight (or tomorrow if i don't have time) i will be doing a little get to know Beka. so, peace out homies. i get off work in 17 minutes and then i'm off to the BYU Student-Alumni Etiquette Dinner, which i helped plan. hooray for free food!