word-ful wednesday

yesterday i had nothing to say. my mind was. . . well, empty. today it seems like everything is my mind is spilling over and my brain might explode. so, please bear with me as i proceed on a very jumbled and random post. and don't judge that the writing isn't eloquent. i'm too tired to think eloquently. 

*most of this really is addressed to me and my own short comings*

i realized today that i let myself be friend zoned a lot. in fact, i think all girls are friend zoned a lot. mostly because guys and girls are too afraid to say what they want and how they feel. we are afraid of being honest. we are afraid of ruining a friendship by asking that friend on a date or telling them how we feel about them. it is "easier" just to stay in the friend zone, than to risk being hurt if they don't like you back or it doesn't work out. but honestly is it worth it? 

i got a wedding invitation today from a guy who i was in love with freshman year. we did everything together and i considered him my best friend. i always hoped something would happen when he got home from his mission, but i always expected him to be the one who would suddenly "see the light" and fall madly in love with me. i was too scared to tell him how i felt- until it was too late. when i finally told him, he was already dating another girl (his fiance now) and i knew in my heart that i was far too late. so now i have a wedding announcement in my garbage because i just can't stand to look at it. 

this, and other smaller events, gave birth to my brain explosion today.

as girls i think we expect (due to stories we read, hear and watch every day) that some day this guy is going to look over and realize we are what he has always wanted and suddenly a fairy tale will ensue and everything will be perfect. another dating lie is that if the impossible happened for someone else, then it can happen to you. not true. we are the rule not the exception!  however, i submit that it is not that easy! girls, we have to put forth some effort. because, for the most part, guys are pretty dim. sometimes we have to let them know what we want. and then, we have to be willing to walk away (even from a great friendship), if he doesn't want the same things. yes, we have to walk away- completely. because, after God,  you want to be number one in a man's life. not his number five, number twenty-seven, or number one hundred sixty-three. it's hard to walk away, but it can be done.

really, this just comes down to honesty. walking away requires telling him (or her) how you feel and then being able to accept what they feel and chose to do. oh, what's that you say? it's scary to tell people how you honestly feel about them? yes it is. i know. i tend to be more the passive aggressive type. hinting, hinting, hinting- and hoping someday they get the message. however, talking with friends and also having friends who are not passive aggressive, has helped me realize that in all things just say what you feel. don't be afraid of offending someone or losing friends. if you feel strongly about something, find a kind and tactful way to tell them. i've lost many a relationship because i didn't communicate clearly what i was thinking. i expected them to pick up on my hints and come to me apologizing. but that's not really how it works. no one can read minds (or in my case, heavily encrypted hints).  the faster we learn to talk about and express our feelings, in a constructive way, the better off we are. 

but don't be mean or petty. don't place blame. don't just look at faults. remember that you care about this person. remember that you are also a part of the relationship and therefore responsibility for where you are is partly on you. remember that if you don't have something nice to say then you probably shouldn't say anything at all. 

wow look at me being all philosophical and therapeutic. guess i should start practicing what i preach right?

i need to break out of my passive-aggressive shell and tell him what i am feeling. be willing to accept the consequences. and walk away. because i don't want another experience like i had today. i don't want another "what if?".  

because, when a guy becomes your "list," your "standard" then you probably ought to let him know. if it doesn't work out, i can move on. but at least i won't be hanging on to the hope that maybe one day i will be his number one. i can't keep getting upset because he takes two days to text me back (a five word answer- gee thanks!). even if we are "good friends" i know that will never be enough, unless i find someone better for me. but i will always wonder. . .

ah! this is a freaking scary post. i'm scared to post this because it's so honest and so personal. but this is my blog and i can write whatever i want. if you don't like it, then don't read it. i do believe everything i wrote, but it's hard to put those belief's into actions. it's scary. i've always said that i value my friendship with a guy more than i want to date him- one of the big reasons i don't even try to date any of my friends, because i don't want to ruin a friendship. but in the end friends are not the most important thing, are they? it's the man who is across from you at the temple, making vows that will seal you together forever. it's the man who will help you raise your children and do the dishes for you when you are just too tired. it's the man who will be your best friend and your lover. it's the man who will serve God and help you to serve Him too. that's the thing that matters most. that's who you will be with forever.

so yeah, it's freaking scary to tell people how you feel. but if they don't want you, for all you are and have to offer life, then it's not worth it. it's better to die with a clean stab to the heart, than to be stabbed over and over with pins until you bleed out. (i apologize for my gory metaphor. . . ) and, it's only by doing the thing we fear, that we over come out fears. then we are not afraid anymore. 

so here's what i'm gonna do:

- speak what i feel. all the time. be honest.

- be more open in my dating relationships. right from the beginning.

- if someone hurts or offends me, let them know in a timely, kind, tactful manner.

- be myself 100%. don't be ashamed of my odd quirks!

- be totally honest on this blog. write what i want.

on another note, there are fish in the flaming sea! do not let a break up or a wish stop you from finding another guy who might be better than you could ever imagine! i believe that you marry your best friend, but it might be that you become best friends through dating and courtship. and don't worry. no matter if you are 16 or 26, the guy will come along. someday when  the time is right. he will be there. and you will be his one.