the happiness project

back in march i challenged myself to go the entire week choosing to be happy. not letting circumstances- grades, the weather, family challenges, dating, etc- determine my attitude. i've had a pretty good summer, but it hasn't been amazing. i haven't been as happy as i could have been. and i think a large reason for that is that i let circumstances rule my attitude. summer is almost over, but thankfully i can keep working on being happy. 

this week i am going to find ways to be happy no matter what happens in my life. i will be optimistic and cheerful. and to kick of the "happiness project" here is a conglomeration of pictures and quotes on happiness.

i hope you have a happy sunday! i'm excited to share some things with you this week that help me be happy!

wordless thursday

*because everything i write sounds trite and meaningless and my heart isn't really in it*

critic

every week i think i'm going to do a great and inspiring wordless wednesday, but let's be real, it's dying out. they say a picture is worth a thousand words but i just can't find one picture to describe how i am feeling this wednesday. you will just have to deal with 1000 words.

they say that no one can make you feel inferior without consent. they say to walk away from those people who treat you as less than what you are worth. they say that you should not be around people who belittle you. they tell you to find friends who love you and build you up. 

but you can't walk away from yourself. 

i am my own worst critic. in my mind i see who i want to be, but i also have a nagging voice telling me i can never do it. telling me i might as well not even try. telling me that it's really fine to just float along in my bubble, because i'll never be as excellent as i dream. 

i worry that i won't be able to run a marathon. i worry that i won't get into any nursing schools. i worry that i won't have money for tuition in the fall. i worry i won't get a job as a CNA. i worry that i won't get married because i'm leaving utah. i worry that boys don't like me because i'm not that "pretty girl." i worry that i will never get back to Africa. worry, worry, worry.

when they say life is a roller coaster, they ain't lying. last week was good. i finished Harry Potter. i was social. i went on some awesomespice dates. i completed things. i had purpose each day. i was the most me that i've been all summer. and it was GREAT.

this week. . . i stay up way to late. i've even been watching America's Got Talent and getting all sappy when people cry.  i sleep in. i workout, but my head's not in the game. i feel defeated, but without specific reason. i've been eating more sweets. and taking less care of me. despite sleeping in, i take an afternoon nap. i stay inside most of the day. i pretty much only go outside to go to work or the grocery store. i read my scriptures, but i don't really read. it's a horrible life. and i know it.

my roommate was talking to me the other day about how fake all the social networking sites are. people post their highest highs on them and so we see their life as "perfect." we compare our life to theirs and wonder what we are doing wrong- why we don't have that wonderful of a life. (and i agree that this is the catch 22 of social networking.) but when i think about it, i do the same thing. i don't want all of 

Facebook to know when i've had a bad day. i'm not about to post a less than flattering picture on there. i won't put anything stupid or immature on my wall. because i want the world to see my life as fun, exciting, and beautiful.

but this is not a social networking site. this is mine. so i'm going to write what i want and complain if i want and wonder about life all i want.

deal with it.

 and in all reality, although my life is wonderful, it is not always perfect. i am not always perfect. i get jealous of the friends who are dating awesome people- because i do not have that blessing in my life. i get jealous of people who run half marathons in less than 2 hours- because i've been trying to do that and it seems like they make no effort at all. i'm jealous of the people who are abroad doing service this summer; i was so happy doing that but i know i can't dwell on the past. i get upset at myself because i can't find the answers i'm looking for and it just seems like more questions keep piling up.

why is it that i am here in Provo this summer? when i wanted so desperately to be somewhere else!

and i worry about myself. because i know this isn't me. i'm not this girl! i like parties and being social. i initiate hanging out with people and i want to make lots of new friends. i flirt and go on lots of dates. 

truth is, i don't know what's happened. i don't know if this is temporary. i don't know if next week i'll be perfectly happy. (but then maybe the week after that will be even worse than this is!) i think i know what i can change, but i don't know if i can. and i honestly wonder if it will really work.

i want to take a risk. go cliff jumping on the edge of life. i want to face the darkness and come away stronger. i want to do things i have always been afraid of doing. i want the strength i've been looking for, to come, and to be here for good. i'm tired of the ups and downs. the roller coaster.

but that's life isn't it? we wouldn't appreciate the sweet without tasting the bitter. well, i could really do for some sweet right now. not the "Captain Crunch sweet" that lasts five minutes and leaves your mouth tasting a little weird. but real sweet- "creme brulee sweet" that melts in your mouth, that you don't need very much of to make you completely happy, and that lasts for hours on end. 

no matter how hard i try, sometimes the pain comes back. not just from Oregon Boy, but from all the rejection i've ever experienced. rejection from jobs. rejection from boys. rejection from internships. rejection from dreams. so it's hard to keep on believing. it's hard to keep dreaming.

it seems like everyone's "boat" is coming in. and they are boarding them- on the way to marriage, children, real jobs, grad school, a new city, internships- and waving good-bye, leaving me to fend for my own. it's rather demoralizing. saying good-bye and realizing that you can't just text them anymore and have them answer. or just go hang out with them. they have their own life. that you can't just get your five "fake sisters" together for lunch without going through major hassle because they all have husbands, in-laws, jobs, children. . . and you? you have an empty kitchen, where you sit, and try to fill your heart with something because it feels so empty.

i think i'm losing it. someone call the loony bin (or my dad) and tell them i've come to the end of my rope and need to get a life. but what do i really need?

a summer night around a bonfire

old and new friends to be there for me- not in a fake way but a real way

a voice from the Heavens giving me comfort

patience to wait for the good times

a day in disneyland

someone who can make laugh and not worry

(oh wait he's ^ in Michigan)

$100 to spend just on clothes

a haircut

a boat trip and night on the lake

motivation

money for projects

a winning attitude

money for races

someone to talk to- about everything

someone to serve

somebody to love

a sleepover on a trampoline

i think that's about it. i am my own worst critic. many times i don't believe in myself. despite all the great things i've done in life, i compare my behind the scenes with everyone else's best moments. i hate good byes and i hate seeing friendships put by the wayside. i understand that someday my "time" will come. i'm just tired of waiting.

as Dr. Suess said:

Things will work out.

"Except when they don't.

Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you. 

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot. 

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go

though the weather be foul

On you will go

though your enemies prowl

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though your arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak. 

On and on you will hike

and I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are.

pain

we've all felt it. from the time we fell out of the tree when we were ten, to the time we biffed it wake boarding at twenty-one. pain. 

physical pain is part of the healing process. the sensation of pain is caused by thousands of nerve endings, recognizing that damage has been done to that part of the body and sending this message to the brain. pain is the "first responder" when something is wrong in the body. in essence- pain is good.

pain is also a sensation that come with growth.  you've heard the saying: "no pain, no gain." it's something i tell myself when pushing myself to the limit in running, weight lifting, or biking. when my muscles are sore and my lungs are burning, i tell myself that it's not killing me, it's making me stronger. when we work through physical pain, we do gain. we gain strength, muscle, endurance. we break records, reach goals, and build champions.

sometimes pain is bad. sometimes it is so great, that there must be something to lessen or take away the pain. tylenol takes away the pain of a head ache. cold water takes away the pain of a burn. morphine takes away the pain from major surgery. a massage takes away the pain of strained muscles.

what about emotional pain? is it good? does it indicate healing or growth? can it be taken away by medication or rest?

how can the pain that comes from the heart, yet sometimes becomes so intense that it causes actual physical pain, be taken away???

i've have lain, curled up on my bed, sobbing because i missed someone, and it hurt- my heart and my body. i have felt loneliness so great that i felt that i could only go into the bathroom, and weep. i have been stabbed in the back, lied to, and even used. 

Christ is the one who has suffered everything. He has felt every and any kind of pain we go through. 

"For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent; But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I; Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—" (D&C 19:16-18).

Unlike us, "during His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. [So] perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes." 

So. . . this pain is a tool to help us grow??

yes.

if we let the pain make us stronger, instead of destroying us.

but we are not alone. through the Atonement, the pain can be taken away. we will be given what we need to overcome and become who the Lord wants us to be. "Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us" (Dallin H. Oaks). God loves us. He will not leave us alone as long as we turn to Him. He can and will take the pain away.

sometimes though, i think we are allowed to suffer, to experience pain. because it is the best way for us to grow. perhaps, the Lord knows, that like a piece of coal, we need to undergo immense amounts of pressure to become a diamond. perhaps He knows that true healing requires a little pain. and once the wound heals, a scar is left- a beautiful reminder of the pain, the growth, and the Master's own healing scars.

I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise

I will rise

Jesus has overcome.

quotes from The Atonement Covers All Pain by Elder Kent F. Richards and I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

wordless wednesday

love and other stuff

for confidential reasons i have given people in this post nicknames. however if you know me well you will probably be able to figure out who they are. deal with it.

"some people say i care too much . . . i think it's called love" (winnie the pooh)

there are so many quotes about fighting for love and for someone that makes you feel special. they say that if you can't go a day without thinking about someone, then you should fight to keep them in your life. i thought that if it was something that made you happy then you should work at it. i thought that once you chose your love, it would work out. i thought that if you were willing to work past the fear that things would be ok. i thought that two people who cared about each other could last despite distance, time, and busy schedules. 

i've learned a lot from dating. when i started dating The Missionary, i was full of hopes and dreams. everyone said we were going to get married. he said he loved me and i naively reciprocated. i fell in love with his family. we spent every second we could together, or texting each other. i thought i was happy. i convinced myself that i was so. that it would work out because everyone said we were meant for each other and i had waited 3 years to date him. but looking back, i was not happy. i was in constant turmoil. did he love me like he said he did? if he did, then why couldn't he decide if he really wanted to date me? why did we have to go back and forth between dating and not dating? why did i feel like i wasn't good enough for what he wanted and needed? but i thought i loved him and so i was going to stick it out even if it hurt. i had once heard that "love is sacrifice" and i sacrificed so much to continue to date him. finally i couldn't fight anymore. he was not in love with me. he was not committed. i don't even know how much he actually ever wanted to date me. we broke up and i was heartbroken. his excuse of "i'm not ready for a girlfriend right now" became completely invalid when two weeks later he had a new girlfriend. it was crushing.

after The Missionary, i did not date anyone. i made rules about who i would date and i did not want to settle. i started dating some guys, but it was never right and never worked out. i went to Uganda and learned more about the man i wanted and deserved. the semester after The Missionary and i broke up,  i became good friends with Peter Pan. we had known each other casually since 9th grade, but never really became friends. now we did. it was a blessing to have a good guy friend. i came home from Uganda and Peter Pan was still there. after a rocky semester where our friendship was tested and dating came up multiple times, i discovered that i really did care about him and i wanted to date him. the timing was never right. either he wanted to date me and i didn't want to date him. or vice versa. or one of us was out of the state. 

when Peter Pan went to Russia for winter semester i told myself that i would not date anyone unless they were as good, or better than Pan. a high order in the smallest sense, because Pan and i had been friends for a year and i was completely comfortable around him. i went on a lot of dates winter semester- one week getting asked out 5 times. it was like the dating gods were throwing them all at me. none of them compared. they were good nice guys, but not what i was looking for. then, a month before the semester ended, i met Oregon Boy. i was instantly attracted and thus began a whirlwind romance of late night phone calls, road trips to see each other, romantic love letters, and perfect dates. i felt special. i felt like i was living in a fairytale. he was my prince and i was a princess. i had never met a guy who treated me so well and with such respect. one night, by the pond in the JFSB courtyard he handed me a penny and told me to make a wish. so i did. i wished that we would work out. that this might be my happy ending. i was somewhat fearful and anxious, but not so much at the beginning. we did move fast and i new that we needed to slow things down. i was fine with that. but after a perfect weekend, he called and texted me less and less. my anxieties grew. i desperately wanted it to work out. i had not dated anyone in a year and a half for a reason- that reason being that i did not want to get hurt again!  somedays i could barely keep myself together. it was as if the real happiness that i had experienced was leaving and i couldn't hold on to it no matter how hard i tried. when we broke up it wasn't a big surprise. i knew it was coming, like you know a thunderstorm is coming. but still i cried. every inadequacy, weakness, and unhappy thought that had plagued me the last year and a half came storming back and took over my mind. i cried until i was numb and i had a headache. and then i vowed not to cry over it again. i had finals to worry about. and i haven't cried since. not even when he didn't call even though he said he would. not even when i didn't get the internship. not even when he told me he didn't want to talk to me. not even when so many people have asked me about it. not even when my sister wrote me the sweetest note about the Atonement. i can't cry, because if i cry that means i loved and lost. and i don't want to admit to that. 

i have not healed. i am not ready to date again. i am not even ready to take a chance with Peter Pan. at night i am filled with physical pain because it hurts. some say that love covers all bounds. so why did it not work out with me and Oregon? he was so good to me! was my love (care) for him unrequited? or did he let fear take over? or was it something i did? 

but it comes down to this:

sometimes life seems like it's just one heart break after another. but that's because we forget the good times in between the heart breaks. and we forget that the heart is probably the strongest organ in the body. as a muscle it is elastic, extensible, contractile, autorythmic, and conductive. it has the ability to pump 6,000-7,500 liters of blood to your body each day. this blood keeps us warm, delivers nutrients to organs, keeps our brain working, allows our muscles to contract and relax, and heals our wounds. the heart really is miraculous! what does this have to do with heart break? the heart has the amazing capability to adapt. examples: heart transplants, by-pass surgery, grafts, etc. despite the pressures we place on our hearts (via junk food, lack of exercise, and genetics), they continue to beat. they continue to provide us with life. and even though my heart is broken now, i continue to live. i go to work. i have fun with my roommate. i hang out with friends. i pretend to have interest in other guys. i plan for the future. and life goes on. 

and my happy ending might not include a man. not right now. i'm trying to move on. trying to let my heart heal. but it will take a while. so please be patient with me.

xo, beka

wordless wednesday

wordless wednesday