30 April 2012

love and other stuff

for confidential reasons i have given people in this post nicknames. however if you know me well you will probably be able to figure out who they are. deal with it.

"some people say i care too much . . . i think it's called love" (winnie the pooh)

there are so many quotes about fighting for love and for someone that makes you feel special. they say that if you can't go a day without thinking about someone, then you should fight to keep them in your life. i thought that if it was something that made you happy then you should work at it. i thought that once you chose your love, it would work out. i thought that if you were willing to work past the fear that things would be ok. i thought that two people who cared about each other could last despite distance, time, and busy schedules. 

i've learned a lot from dating. when i started dating The Missionary, i was full of hopes and dreams. everyone said we were going to get married. he said he loved me and i naively reciprocated. i fell in love with his family. we spent every second we could together, or texting each other. i thought i was happy. i convinced myself that i was so. that it would work out because everyone said we were meant for each other and i had waited 3 years to date him. but looking back, i was not happy. i was in constant turmoil. did he love me like he said he did? if he did, then why couldn't he decide if he really wanted to date me? why did we have to go back and forth between dating and not dating? why did i feel like i wasn't good enough for what he wanted and needed? but i thought i loved him and so i was going to stick it out even if it hurt. i had once heard that "love is sacrifice" and i sacrificed so much to continue to date him. finally i couldn't fight anymore. he was not in love with me. he was not committed. i don't even know how much he actually ever wanted to date me. we broke up and i was heartbroken. his excuse of "i'm not ready for a girlfriend right now" became completely invalid when two weeks later he had a new girlfriend. it was crushing.

after The Missionary, i did not date anyone. i made rules about who i would date and i did not want to settle. i started dating some guys, but it was never right and never worked out. i went to Uganda and learned more about the man i wanted and deserved. the semester after The Missionary and i broke up,  i became good friends with Peter Pan. we had known each other casually since 9th grade, but never really became friends. now we did. it was a blessing to have a good guy friend. i came home from Uganda and Peter Pan was still there. after a rocky semester where our friendship was tested and dating came up multiple times, i discovered that i really did care about him and i wanted to date him. the timing was never right. either he wanted to date me and i didn't want to date him. or vice versa. or one of us was out of the state. 

when Peter Pan went to Russia for winter semester i told myself that i would not date anyone unless they were as good, or better than Pan. a high order in the smallest sense, because Pan and i had been friends for a year and i was completely comfortable around him. i went on a lot of dates winter semester- one week getting asked out 5 times. it was like the dating gods were throwing them all at me. none of them compared. they were good nice guys, but not what i was looking for. then, a month before the semester ended, i met Oregon Boy. i was instantly attracted and thus began a whirlwind romance of late night phone calls, road trips to see each other, romantic love letters, and perfect dates. i felt special. i felt like i was living in a fairytale. he was my prince and i was a princess. i had never met a guy who treated me so well and with such respect. one night, by the pond in the JFSB courtyard he handed me a penny and told me to make a wish. so i did. i wished that we would work out. that this might be my happy ending. i was somewhat fearful and anxious, but not so much at the beginning. we did move fast and i new that we needed to slow things down. i was fine with that. but after a perfect weekend, he called and texted me less and less. my anxieties grew. i desperately wanted it to work out. i had not dated anyone in a year and a half for a reason- that reason being that i did not want to get hurt again!  somedays i could barely keep myself together. it was as if the real happiness that i had experienced was leaving and i couldn't hold on to it no matter how hard i tried. when we broke up it wasn't a big surprise. i knew it was coming, like you know a thunderstorm is coming. but still i cried. every inadequacy, weakness, and unhappy thought that had plagued me the last year and a half came storming back and took over my mind. i cried until i was numb and i had a headache. and then i vowed not to cry over it again. i had finals to worry about. and i haven't cried since. not even when he didn't call even though he said he would. not even when i didn't get the internship. not even when he told me he didn't want to talk to me. not even when so many people have asked me about it. not even when my sister wrote me the sweetest note about the Atonement. i can't cry, because if i cry that means i loved and lost. and i don't want to admit to that. 

i have not healed. i am not ready to date again. i am not even ready to take a chance with Peter Pan. at night i am filled with physical pain because it hurts. some say that love covers all bounds. so why did it not work out with me and Oregon? he was so good to me! was my love (care) for him unrequited? or did he let fear take over? or was it something i did? 

but it comes down to this:
sometimes life seems like it's just one heart break after another. but that's because we forget the good times in between the heart breaks. and we forget that the heart is probably the strongest organ in the body. as a muscle it is elastic, extensible, contractile, autorythmic, and conductive. it has the ability to pump 6,000-7,500 liters of blood to your body each day. this blood keeps us warm, delivers nutrients to organs, keeps our brain working, allows our muscles to contract and relax, and heals our wounds. the heart really is miraculous! what does this have to do with heart break? the heart has the amazing capability to adapt. examples: heart transplants, by-pass surgery, grafts, etc. despite the pressures we place on our hearts (via junk food, lack of exercise, and genetics), they continue to beat. they continue to provide us with life. and even though my heart is broken now, i continue to live. i go to work. i have fun with my roommate. i hang out with friends. i pretend to have interest in other guys. i plan for the future. and life goes on. 
and my happy ending might not include a man. not right now. i'm trying to move on. trying to let my heart heal. but it will take a while. so please be patient with me.

xo, beka


  1. Oh, my heart.
    I can relate and that's what is so sad. Keep your chin up! I'm so sorry :/ If it's any consolation, you write this beautifully.
    Oh, Just Living the Dream

  2. I feel like this is the wrong thing to say, but I loved this. You have stated your feelings in such a good way. I agree with Sierra, you wrote this beautifully. Love you!