wordless wednesday

*because i really really just cannot put words on this page right now.

critic

every week i think i'm going to do a great and inspiring wordless wednesday, but let's be real, it's dying out. they say a picture is worth a thousand words but i just can't find one picture to describe how i am feeling this wednesday. you will just have to deal with 1000 words.

they say that no one can make you feel inferior without consent. they say to walk away from those people who treat you as less than what you are worth. they say that you should not be around people who belittle you. they tell you to find friends who love you and build you up. 

but you can't walk away from yourself. 

i am my own worst critic. in my mind i see who i want to be, but i also have a nagging voice telling me i can never do it. telling me i might as well not even try. telling me that it's really fine to just float along in my bubble, because i'll never be as excellent as i dream. 

i worry that i won't be able to run a marathon. i worry that i won't get into any nursing schools. i worry that i won't have money for tuition in the fall. i worry i won't get a job as a CNA. i worry that i won't get married because i'm leaving utah. i worry that boys don't like me because i'm not that "pretty girl." i worry that i will never get back to Africa. worry, worry, worry.

when they say life is a roller coaster, they ain't lying. last week was good. i finished Harry Potter. i was social. i went on some awesomespice dates. i completed things. i had purpose each day. i was the most me that i've been all summer. and it was GREAT.

this week. . . i stay up way to late. i've even been watching America's Got Talent and getting all sappy when people cry.  i sleep in. i workout, but my head's not in the game. i feel defeated, but without specific reason. i've been eating more sweets. and taking less care of me. despite sleeping in, i take an afternoon nap. i stay inside most of the day. i pretty much only go outside to go to work or the grocery store. i read my scriptures, but i don't really read. it's a horrible life. and i know it.

my roommate was talking to me the other day about how fake all the social networking sites are. people post their highest highs on them and so we see their life as "perfect." we compare our life to theirs and wonder what we are doing wrong- why we don't have that wonderful of a life. (and i agree that this is the catch 22 of social networking.) but when i think about it, i do the same thing. i don't want all of 

Facebook to know when i've had a bad day. i'm not about to post a less than flattering picture on there. i won't put anything stupid or immature on my wall. because i want the world to see my life as fun, exciting, and beautiful.

but this is not a social networking site. this is mine. so i'm going to write what i want and complain if i want and wonder about life all i want.

deal with it.

 and in all reality, although my life is wonderful, it is not always perfect. i am not always perfect. i get jealous of the friends who are dating awesome people- because i do not have that blessing in my life. i get jealous of people who run half marathons in less than 2 hours- because i've been trying to do that and it seems like they make no effort at all. i'm jealous of the people who are abroad doing service this summer; i was so happy doing that but i know i can't dwell on the past. i get upset at myself because i can't find the answers i'm looking for and it just seems like more questions keep piling up.

why is it that i am here in Provo this summer? when i wanted so desperately to be somewhere else!

and i worry about myself. because i know this isn't me. i'm not this girl! i like parties and being social. i initiate hanging out with people and i want to make lots of new friends. i flirt and go on lots of dates. 

truth is, i don't know what's happened. i don't know if this is temporary. i don't know if next week i'll be perfectly happy. (but then maybe the week after that will be even worse than this is!) i think i know what i can change, but i don't know if i can. and i honestly wonder if it will really work.

i want to take a risk. go cliff jumping on the edge of life. i want to face the darkness and come away stronger. i want to do things i have always been afraid of doing. i want the strength i've been looking for, to come, and to be here for good. i'm tired of the ups and downs. the roller coaster.

but that's life isn't it? we wouldn't appreciate the sweet without tasting the bitter. well, i could really do for some sweet right now. not the "Captain Crunch sweet" that lasts five minutes and leaves your mouth tasting a little weird. but real sweet- "creme brulee sweet" that melts in your mouth, that you don't need very much of to make you completely happy, and that lasts for hours on end. 

no matter how hard i try, sometimes the pain comes back. not just from Oregon Boy, but from all the rejection i've ever experienced. rejection from jobs. rejection from boys. rejection from internships. rejection from dreams. so it's hard to keep on believing. it's hard to keep dreaming.

it seems like everyone's "boat" is coming in. and they are boarding them- on the way to marriage, children, real jobs, grad school, a new city, internships- and waving good-bye, leaving me to fend for my own. it's rather demoralizing. saying good-bye and realizing that you can't just text them anymore and have them answer. or just go hang out with them. they have their own life. that you can't just get your five "fake sisters" together for lunch without going through major hassle because they all have husbands, in-laws, jobs, children. . . and you? you have an empty kitchen, where you sit, and try to fill your heart with something because it feels so empty.

i think i'm losing it. someone call the loony bin (or my dad) and tell them i've come to the end of my rope and need to get a life. but what do i really need?

a summer night around a bonfire

old and new friends to be there for me- not in a fake way but a real way

a voice from the Heavens giving me comfort

patience to wait for the good times

a day in disneyland

someone who can make laugh and not worry

(oh wait he's ^ in Michigan)

$100 to spend just on clothes

a haircut

a boat trip and night on the lake

motivation

money for projects

a winning attitude

money for races

someone to talk to- about everything

someone to serve

somebody to love

a sleepover on a trampoline

i think that's about it. i am my own worst critic. many times i don't believe in myself. despite all the great things i've done in life, i compare my behind the scenes with everyone else's best moments. i hate good byes and i hate seeing friendships put by the wayside. i understand that someday my "time" will come. i'm just tired of waiting.

as Dr. Suess said:

Things will work out.

"Except when they don't.

Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you. 

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot. 

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go

though the weather be foul

On you will go

though your enemies prowl

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though your arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak. 

On and on you will hike

and I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are.

wordless wednesday

wordless wednesday + happy birthday wish

Happy 16th Birthday Joseph!

words on wednesday

i have stuff to say, so i'm not doing wordless wednesday. and because i didn't have my tuesdays thoughts this week, there are pretty much a bajillion thoughts flying around in my head, and they need to be put out on paper [ahem, cyperspace "paper"]. words + pictures today? ok.

- i finally got scholarship notifications for fall today. when they say "mid-April" they really mean "we're-going-to-wait-until-the-very-tail-end-of-the-month-so-you-are-freaking-out." i got a half tuition scholarship for fall, for which i feel very blessed. i hope i will get grant money from FAFSA, but i'm not planning on it. so, i'm in the market for a job. right now i'm working almost 30 hours a week at the Bean, which closes July 1. so i'm looking for a job which i can work at part time now and then full time from July-August. Or a full time, well paying job, where i can work full time after July 1. any ideas?
- speaking of school, i talked to an adviser today about graduation. say what? yeah that's right. this girl is graduating in december. just gotta get the music to send over my music minor form and then apply. right now, i'm planning on walking in August.
- guys, i'm pretty sure i have issues with knives. in the past three days i have cut myself twice. first time while slicing cheese [cheese slicing is my nemesis] and then this morning while slicing an avocado. thankfully, no major arteries or veins have been hit. . . yet. but i'm getting worried.
- my new roommate is the bomb.com. i am excited for the many adventures to come!
- i saw The Notebook yesterday. for the first time. ever. i have this thing against hyped up movies, well mostly against hyped up chick flicks. also, every girl i talk to say that they cry during it, and i hate crying. well people, i didn't cry [my friend says this means i'm heartless. does it? i don't think so. i think it means i contain emotion verrrrry well]. i did love the story. and it make me heart-sick for a man like that in my life. someone who will never give up on me. but how did Noah know to not give up? i'm all for peacing out at the first sign of a lack of commitment. or i'm too scared to say how i feel. how could Noah trust that Allie would come back? but, it was a good movie. i'm pretty much convinced that if i go to the South i will me myself a real man- because in the movies all the true romantic men are either from the South or from England.
- who else is psyched for the Biggest Loser finale? i want to have a party, but that would involve unhealthy food, and you really cannot watch the Biggest Loser while eating junk food. who do you want to win?
- today i took a nap. i know.  a nap, on a weekday, in the middle of the afternoon, for an hour and 15 minutes! it was the perfect napping day too. the only bad part about the nap was that i had a dream about that Oregon boy. he was being a total tool in the dream though so i was not missing him when i woke up (ok maybe i was a tiny bit, but let's not talk about it).
- at Macey's yesterday, Allison and I bought a package of peanut butter chocolate bars that were on clearance. yes. i love roommate shopping time! i'm secretly jealous of Allison because she can't eat gluten so obviously she will be eating way less sweets than me. should i give up gluten for a while??  what do you think?

ok enough words. here are some pictures worth 1000 words.

selfishness

Gordon B. Hinckley

last night i was in a complainy mood. nothing seemed like it was working. studying was lame. my friends were ignoring me. basically i was being dramatic. and i was confused. last week i was so happy and yet nothing particularly good had happened. i was just happy, because. . . i was! so, why am i unhappy now? well i've been thinking about this. life requires a lot of unselfishness. at least if you want to be happy. if you want momentary happiness then sure, do whatever you want, buy stuff for you, do everything for you. but if you want the best things in life- the things that make you truly happy- you have to be unselfish!
being at a university, and being a single person, makes you selfish if you aren't careful. and i think i may have fallen in the selfishness hole a little without even noticing. i realize i think about me an awful lot. this semester i have been focusing on internships, future schooling, my grades, my graduation, making me happy, doing things for fun for me. these things are not necessarily bad. in fact, school, recreational activities, and work are all very important. i realized yesterday that one of my biggest downfalls is that i often think about myself, my future, my job, my grades, and i don't stop to think about those around me. relationships- all of them- require a lot of unselfishness. and since relationships are one of the few things we get to take with us when we die, how important is it that we build strong relationships with those around us?
selfishness is essentially a sin of pride. we think we deserve everything and so we start thinking about what we "need" and think everyone's lives should involve around us getting that. when we let go of our pride, see our short comings, and serve others, selfishness slowly goes away. i'm going to try to be more selfless this week. even the realization of my selfishness last night and today has made my heart lighter! i know i can be more selfless and i am ready to do it!

it could be worse

i know it's been a couple weeks since i did words of wisdom wednesday, but this needed to be talked about.  yesterday in devotional we learned about what to do when life "gets one degree colder"- when trials seem to be all you getting and miracles seem far away. i like these words from dr. seuss:

you can read about brother moody's talk here. remember you are luckier than you might think. things will work out, even if we might not see any miracles at the moment. God is always there and He loves us.

lemons

i didn't do words of wisdom wednesday last week. forgive me? but i've got a good post today to make up for it!
sometimes, on a bad day, i want to do this:

or squeeze them into my own eyes. that has definitely crossed my mind.
but you can't use your trials or hardships or hurts or mistakes as an opportunity to hurt others. that just makes your life worse. and it doesn't exactly make their life better.
i like this solution better:

who doesn't love free stuff? especially a poor college student.
but then i got to thinking. keeping the lemons isn't enough. you gotta put them to use.
so what good is there in lemons?
- they are delicious to flavor fish
- they can make beautiful center pieces
- they are yellow
- they make yummy candy, like lemon drops and lemon bars
- they add a little zing to any drink
- they smell yummy
- you can make lemon sour cream pie
- they are in lemonade (which if you are drinking, obviously means it's summertime. which is the best.)

so instead of choosing violence, complacency, or "just making lemonade." next time i get a lemon (or two, or three) i'm going to do something more like this:

what are you going to do with your lemons?

words of wisdom wednesdays

every girl wants to be beautiful. but beauty is often defined as a skinny body with bleach blonde hair, big blue eyes, and a perfect tan. but that isn't beautiful. beautiful isn't want you look like. beautiful is who you are. beauty is what you do with what you have been given. you aren't beautiful unless you are truly good. beauty is more than weight. it is more than pant size. it is more than clear skin. it is more than perfect teeth. it is more than fitting a certain "mold." i love this quote about real beauty. some of the most beautiful people i know are not people you would see on the cover of seventeen. they are beautiful because they are happy, kind, selfless, and loving. i want to be more beautiful.

be a force of beauty!

words of wisdom wednesday

with a lot of things weighing on my mind i have been praying almost constantly. sometimes it gets frustrating waiting for an answer don't you agree? i just want a lightning bolt to come down or some writing to appear on the wall telling me everything i need to know about decisions and my life for the next ten years (at least). but i need to remember that my prayers are not the only one's going up to heaven. other people are looking for answers too. i want to be the person who is an answer to someone else's prayer. i want to be the person who is more worried about helping others than about her own problems. i want to be more Christlike.

words of wisdom wednesdays

oh crap i totally forgot about this! guess it's only the second week so i have a good excuse. plus i was studying for two tests. anywho. . .  this is gonna be short because my eyes are shuttingggggg.

"Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great purpose in heart." ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

sometimes when things don't go the way you want, or when your world seems to be taking turns down a dark alley, just remember to keep going. there are people out there who are cheering for you and who believe in you. so keep a smile on your face, and remember your purpose. you can make it!

words of wisdom wednesdays

today is my first words of wisdom wednesday! i love quotes. i grew up memorizing poems, scriptures and quotes and i believe that having a good thought in your mind is the best kind of thought to have, especially if it inspires you to be a better person.  so here is the first of (hopefully) weekly words of wisdom.

as i have discovered what i love the most, i have seen more clearly the direction my life is supposed to take. sometimes we think we love something, but then later we realize that we didn't really love it. or maybe we did love it, but it wasn't the right love.  if we really want to become who God envisions us being, we will choose wisely where we spend our time (because what we spend time doing is most often what we love the most) and where we give our love.

what do you love? who do you want to become?

introducing. . .

Words of Wisdom Wednesdays!!!!

in an effort to make my blog slightly more exciting I have decided to do a Words of Wisdom Wednesday. Each Wednesday I will post a quote (usually from pinterest since we know I get so much inspiration for there) and some thoughts about it! 

are we excited?

ps. what did you do this saturday? i was sick and stayed inside all day. not terribly exciting i know.