every week i think i'm going to do a great and inspiring wordless wednesday, but let's be real, it's dying out. they say a picture is worth a thousand words but i just can't find one picture to describe how i am feeling this wednesday. you will just have to deal with 1000 words.
they say that no one can make you feel inferior without consent. they say to walk away from those people who treat you as less than what you are worth. they say that you should not be around people who belittle you. they tell you to find friends who love you and build you up.
but you can't walk away from yourself.
i am my own worst critic. in my mind i see who i want to be, but i also have a nagging voice telling me i can never do it. telling me i might as well not even try. telling me that it's really fine to just float along in my bubble, because i'll never be as excellent as i dream.
i worry that i won't be able to run a marathon. i worry that i won't get into any nursing schools. i worry that i won't have money for tuition in the fall. i worry i won't get a job as a CNA. i worry that i won't get married because i'm leaving utah. i worry that boys don't like me because i'm not that "pretty girl." i worry that i will never get back to Africa. worry, worry, worry.
when they say life is a roller coaster, they ain't lying. last week was good. i finished Harry Potter. i was social. i went on some awesomespice dates. i completed things. i had purpose each day. i was the most me that i've been all summer. and it was GREAT.
this week. . . i stay up way to late. i've even been watching America's Got Talent and getting all sappy when people cry. i sleep in. i workout, but my head's not in the game. i feel defeated, but without specific reason. i've been eating more sweets. and taking less care of me. despite sleeping in, i take an afternoon nap. i stay inside most of the day. i pretty much only go outside to go to work or the grocery store. i read my scriptures, but i don't really read. it's a horrible life. and i know it.
my roommate was talking to me the other day about how fake all the social networking sites are. people post their highest highs on them and so we see their life as "perfect." we compare our life to theirs and wonder what we are doing wrong- why we don't have that wonderful of a life. (and i agree that this is the catch 22 of social networking.) but when i think about it, i do the same thing. i don't want all of
Facebook to know when i've had a bad day. i'm not about to post a less than flattering picture on there. i won't put anything stupid or immature on my wall. because i want the world to see my life as fun, exciting, and beautiful.
but this is not a social networking site. this is mine. so i'm going to write what i want and complain if i want and wonder about life all i want.
deal with it.
and in all reality, although my life is wonderful, it is not always perfect. i am not always perfect. i get jealous of the friends who are dating awesome people- because i do not have that blessing in my life. i get jealous of people who run half marathons in less than 2 hours- because i've been trying to do that and it seems like they make no effort at all. i'm jealous of the people who are abroad doing service this summer; i was so happy doing that but i know i can't dwell on the past. i get upset at myself because i can't find the answers i'm looking for and it just seems like more questions keep piling up.
why is it that i am here in Provo this summer? when i wanted so desperately to be somewhere else!
and i worry about myself. because i know this isn't me. i'm not this girl! i like parties and being social. i initiate hanging out with people and i want to make lots of new friends. i flirt and go on lots of dates.
truth is, i don't know what's happened. i don't know if this is temporary. i don't know if next week i'll be perfectly happy. (but then maybe the week after that will be even worse than this is!) i think i know what i can change, but i don't know if i can. and i honestly wonder if it will really work.
i want to take a risk. go cliff jumping on the edge of life. i want to face the darkness and come away stronger. i want to do things i have always been afraid of doing. i want the strength i've been looking for, to come, and to be here for good. i'm tired of the ups and downs. the roller coaster.
but that's life isn't it? we wouldn't appreciate the sweet without tasting the bitter. well, i could really do for some sweet right now. not the "Captain Crunch sweet" that lasts five minutes and leaves your mouth tasting a little weird. but real sweet- "creme brulee sweet" that melts in your mouth, that you don't need very much of to make you completely happy, and that lasts for hours on end.
no matter how hard i try, sometimes the pain comes back. not just from Oregon Boy, but from all the rejection i've ever experienced. rejection from jobs. rejection from boys. rejection from internships. rejection from dreams. so it's hard to keep on believing. it's hard to keep dreaming.
it seems like everyone's "boat" is coming in. and they are boarding them- on the way to marriage, children, real jobs, grad school, a new city, internships- and waving good-bye, leaving me to fend for my own. it's rather demoralizing. saying good-bye and realizing that you can't just text them anymore and have them answer. or just go hang out with them. they have their own life. that you can't just get your five "fake sisters" together for lunch without going through major hassle because they all have husbands, in-laws, jobs, children. . . and you? you have an empty kitchen, where you sit, and try to fill your heart with something because it feels so empty.
i think i'm losing it. someone call the loony bin (or my dad) and tell them i've come to the end of my rope and need to get a life. but what do i really need?
a summer night around a bonfire
old and new friends to be there for me- not in a fake way but a real way
a voice from the Heavens giving me comfort
patience to wait for the good times
a day in disneyland
someone who can make laugh and not worry
(oh wait he's ^ in Michigan)
$100 to spend just on clothes
a boat trip and night on the lake
money for projects
a winning attitude
money for races
someone to talk to- about everything
someone to serve
somebody to love
a sleepover on a trampoline
i think that's about it. i am my own worst critic. many times i don't believe in myself. despite all the great things i've done in life, i compare my behind the scenes with everyone else's best moments. i hate good byes and i hate seeing friendships put by the wayside. i understand that someday my "time" will come. i'm just tired of waiting.
as Dr. Suess said:
Things will work out.
"Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.
I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.