22 March 2011

mid-college crisis slash twirly chair thoughts

you know how when you play the game of Life and you land on a spot that say "mid-life crisis. choose a new career." lately i've been feeling like that- except, thankfully, i'm still in college. before ya'll freak out (because i know you are all so interested in my future plans) no i'm not changing my major (again). yet. i've just been wondering.

in my d&c class we talked about aligning our will with the Lord's. i thought to myself, "i want to do that! i want to know that my life is 100% in line with what the Lord wants me to do." ever since i was 14 i've known i wanted to be something in the medical. 9th grade- paramedic. 10th grade- ER doctor. 11th grade- heart surgeon 12th- NICU doctor. now my goal is to be a PA (physician's assistant) working somewhere with children- pediatric oncology or maybe the NICU. however, i've been thinking and wondering: what if this isn't what i'm supposed to do? that kind of freaks me out because for 6 years i've planned on doing something medical. it's my dream. and i don't like giving up on dreams. i feel like if i don't do PA school it will make me somehow less accomplished,  not as smart, etc.
some people get huge spiritual manifestations or confirmations that their career choice is the one for them. others, have to pave their own path and wait to see if it turns out. if it does- then it's right. if it doesn't- time to start over. i think i'm a second type. it's frustrating sometimes. [geez, wouldn't it be easy if every time you had to make a life changing decision you got the answer clearly? yes, you should be an exercise science major. you should not go to that university. this is the man you are supposed to marry in the temple. no, you are not needed to go on a mission. yes, you should move to this apartment complex.] most of my life i've just gone with the flow. i do what feels right at the time and then watch to see if God puts any stumbling blocks or walls up in my way. if he does, then maybe it isn't right. or sometimes i just get a feeling like something isn't right and i need to change.
back to real life.
in school i feel alright. i am working way hard and i am improving in areas that have been rough for me (ahem, genetics and physiology). i love my classes for my major and am learning so much! also, i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. i will graduate next year! either april or august, i'm not sure yet. so, if i do decide that i need to change my career path, well that will set me back quite a bit. but if it's what i'm supposed to do i will do it.

since this post is already novel-esque, i will wrap up. but not before i tell you what i've been thinking about while sitting here is this twirly chair.

- i bought a Jimmer shirt (this is not a normally crazy thing to do, but i probably should save the $10 i spent for Africa. psh Jimmer only happens once in a lifetime right?)
- why couldn't i breathe during the entire devotional today? sometimes i had to consciously remind myself "beka, breathe in. now, breathe out." this is not a normal occurrence and although most people might not find it pleasant, i would not mind being in that exact situation again. sometimes being breathless is good.
- i want my husband and me to be one of the cute old couples. the ones who you see decked out at every BYU game (even though we are 90). the ones who still hold hands and kiss- in public. the ones who wear outrageously awesome out of style clothing. the ones who buy a mustang because, heck, we're old and we don't care. the ones who give treats to all the neighborhood children because we just love them.
- man am i glad for the five girls who lived with my in E Richard 2110 in the not-too-distant-past. they are gems.
- i keep feeling like there is something missing in my life. i am not quite sure what though.
- my thoughts while watching the weather pass by through the glass double doors: great, it's snowing again. its just so ironic that the day after spring "arrives" it gets all cold and stormy. a bajillion times more ironic since i just got a bike and have a hankering for a nice afternoon in a skirt and sandals. 5 min later... it's sunny! hooray! my walk home today will be exponentially better than my walk here. i looooove the sun. 5 min later.... what the? its like blizzarding outside. i feel sorry for any **poor fellow who is driving, all alone, to salt lake right now. and freak, it's march. did mother nature not get the memo? you get the idea. i hate utah weather. can't spring, simply be spring? (sorry KJ for ranting about the weather. but after living here for 21 years i feel i have the right.)
- why am i constantly thirsty? i think i have diabetes. nope, i have no hypochondriac tendencies at all.
- i think i'm gonna take these khakis home and try out the tucked-in-shirt style that is apparently en vogue this spring.
- sometimes i think about how brandon called me "hipster" and i laugh inside. i mean who uses the word "hipster" these days?
- i wish people would e-mail more. facebook is taking over the world!!! (i've even heard of people making profiles for their pets. their pets.)
- Africa is like a month and a half away. and i still have so much to do! however, the excitement is overpowering the stress.

yeeeeah i think that's all for today folks. [don't worry about me and the state of my brain. i've had 2 people in the past 24 hours ask me if i was ok or if something was up. nope i'm fine. i'm still feeling like i was friday and i have four tests next week. so i might be a little distracted and stressed. but life is great!]

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