19 April 2012

i should be celebrating

i'm done with finals! one more semester and i will be done with my [first] undergrad. [if i am getting a second bachelor's degree after this one, does that count as graduate school or will i still be an undergrad?] summer is here- sort of.

it feels like this girl just can't catch a break.

way back last fall, i found out that Make-A-Wish Foundation has summer internships. and guys, working for Make-A-Wish is my dream. i applied in March for an internship there that i felt i would love and be able to make a significant contribution to. personally, i think my talents would be well put to use at Make-A-Wish Foundation. i applied in March and anxiously awaited to hear from them. i really wanted to get it! i had a first interview, with the head of HR and was told to wait a couple weeks to hear back from the hiring directors for the internship. in those couple of weeks i started dating someone. i wasn't sure if i still wanted to the internship but i new if i got it, i would definitely take it. when we broke up, the internship seemed like my saving grace. i had a second interview scheduled and i felt good about it. summer in arizona seemed so lovely. and i just need to get away- partially due to the break-up and mostly due to the fact that last summer i was in africa and i desperately don't want to be stuck in boring [rainy] provo all summer. the interview was great! i was personable, honest, and i thought i sold myself well. again, i waited. pretty much believing i had the internship in the bag.

i didn't get it.

and kids, i really really wanted it.

i don't understand. is the universe sending me a sign? [universe, if you are... what is this sign because i'm obviously not getting the message] why do all these trials seem to be mine? why am i supposed to stay in provo this summer? why am i not married [or heck, even dating] when i really want to get married? i feel like i'm supposed to work with non profits, so why can't i get an dang internship with one? why. why. why.

i had big plans. i would work 40 hours a week at Make A Wish. i would change some kids' lives. i would get real life experience. i would live with or near my dear cousin. i would soak up the arizona sun. i would explore pheonix, mesa, and take a trip to california. i would meet up with blogger friends who live in arizona. i would make money, doing something i love!


instead, i will be in Provo- all summer. i'm not dating anyone. i'm not falling in love this summer. i will be working almost 30 hours a week at the Bean Museum. and i know i say i love working there, and i do, but i'm not passionate about it and i get annoyed and impatient and i hate sitting in the gift shop for hours on end. i don't feel like i have a ton of friends in provo- not people who i can really count on. i don't even have a second job [any ideas?].

now please, don't get on your soapbox and tell me to look at all my blessings. FREAK people. i know i'm lucky. i know i have opportunities and a wonderful life. i mean, i went to Africa. i know i have food on my table each day, a good education, clothes, a nice home, life! i'm not an idiot either. i know God will bless me in my own time. i know He still loves me. i know my family is there for me. i know i have good friends. i know i have the Gospel and that will get me through. so just do not tell me that. and while we're at it. stop saying you are "here for me" when we both know that actions speak louder than words, and your actions are purely self-centered. stop saying "let's be friends" when really you mean "i don't have time for you nor do i want to make the sacrifice to be your friend." stop saying "life will get better. you have great things ahead." because geez i hope it every day! and i tell myself that so often that it has become more of a plea [sort of like how i keep asking for comments]. stop saying "have faith" because i have faith! i believe! i hope! stop being a friend of convenience- your convenience. stop saying "you are so smart/beautiful/outgoing/successful/etc. that you just need to wait and things will start flying your way" because kids, i'm freaking sick of waiting. i want to give up. not on life, or on God. just to give up on my life here. i'd go anywhere, really. somewhere i can do yoga, and go on long runs with Abby, and work making people happy, take road trips, get tan, and eat frozen yogurt.

ok. stop. i'm done. mostly because my shift ends in nine minutes [hopefully] and partly because this post has already reached gargantuan proportions.


  1. I think I know at least a little bit how you're feeling. I understand so well having "plans" fall through, having relationships not work out, having friends seem like not that great of friends. I understand the "i tell myself that so often that it has become more of a plea." Boy do I understand that. It stinks. I hate(d) it. And I know you don't want any advice so I won't try to leave any. Just know that someone understands.
    That's all.

  2. wow girl, totally the same life. what. the heck. All I can say is that both of us must have something REAL good coming in the future. Because that always happens when things look like they are going down hill fast :)

    And heck YES we can meet up if you come up here!

  3. Beka, I know it's been a while since we've been in touch but I just want to say I really feel for you. I know life doesn't always work out the way we think it should, but God is good. I sincerely hope things come together for you soon. Also, if you're sick of Provo I say get out! Even Salt Lake is far enough and different enough to feel fresh and new-so much better than Utah County! And you're always welcome at my yoga classes. :) There's another this Sat. at 8 am in Lehi.

    Megan Duclos