i decided, last fall, to do an accelerated nursing program after i graduate from BYU. in an attempt to find the best schools (i don't want to go to a college that is not well established- call me stuck up) i searched for programs in every single state. literally. i spent an entire sunday afternoon scouring the world wide web for schools. i came up with a list of about 25, and one was in utah. as the school year progressed, my list became smaller as i researched the schools a little bit more. schools outside of utah seemed more and more appealing. the university of utah is the only school in utah offering the program i want. it is a wonderful program and very competitive to get into. but, i don't really want to stay in utah. because i don't want to stay in utah, i feel like a get a lot of flack. there is the money angle. if i stay in utah, tuition is much cheaper. all the schools outside utah are about $30,000 minimum for the program. so logically, why would i even apply somewhere where i will be going in to debt? angle #2- dating scene. i am very aware of the fact that by moving back east (that's where most of the schools are) the dating pool will significantly decrease. angle #3 (which no one actually ever says out loud)- moving away is a big deal. i think boys get turned off when i say that i am applying to these schools that are on the opposite side of the country. maybe they admire my guts and drive for doing it, but i think they also write me off as the "career girl." if only they (and really, everyone else) realize that i am leaving only because i have no reason to stay! yes, my family is here, but it's not like i will be in Africa- we can skype, text, and talk every day. my faith is here- but it is every where. my friends are here- but they are moving on with life too, onto babies, marriage, grad school, and missions. if an amazing man came along and gave me good reason to stay- i would!
speaking of marriage. . . i am graduating at the end of the year. weird, i know. i will have a college degree- and pretty much nothing i can do with it ha ha. it's ok. i have learned a lot. not just about exercise science- but about God, myself, love, lies, forgiveness, letting go, following the Spirit, and serving others. although i didn't come to BYU with the intent of getting my Mrs. degree, i didn't really picture my life, graduating without the ring. i always just figured it would happen- because so many people said that it would. it hasn't. and honestly i don't know when it will. i mean i could meet "the guy" tomorrow and be married next year. or i could be 26. or 32. it's not so much a crisis as a coming to terms. although i am happy for my friends who are getting married and having kids, they little know, that sometimes it feels like one more nail in my coffin. one more way i am falling behind. one more thing that will take us to different places and make us less of the friends we used to be. so yes, that is hard. i try not to be bitter towards them. it's not their fault i'm not married, or heck, even dating someone. the Lord has something else for me to do right now.
i have been thanked and applauded for being honest on my blog. i do try to be genuine. sometimes though, i look at bloggers and i feel like this is all a joke. other blogs display jewelry, cute babies, day trips and lunch dates like they are the things life is made of. and, i guess, to some extent, life is made of those things. but then i look at a particularly cheesy photo of a "twenty-something" (why does everyone use this phrase? if you were forty-something i would understand, but it's not like those of us in our 20's have to be ashamed of our age. geez.) girl painting and just looking so happy, and i think: "is this for real?" no one's life is that perfect. there are very few blogs that i believe tell it like it is- life with it's ups and with it's downs. i try to do that. but, i have a confession. i am not completely honest with you. there are things in my life that i don't talk about on my blog. i'm just not ready to tell the whole world about them. and maybe i'm just a little worried of marring the perfect world that bloggers try to create. maybe i'm a little worried about pouring my heart out because i look at a post that really took guts for me to write (like this, this, or this) that got one or two comments and i compare it to a post featuring a snappily dressed woman, telling us some small anecdote about her day, her dog, or her bike, that got 20-50 comments, and i really just wonder if it is all worth it. there are very few blogs that i read, that i think tell the whole truth. most blogs focus on- fashion, food, family, and dating/marriage. those are all great things to talk about. but there are few bloggers that talk about the real stuff- school kicking butt, dealing with illness, struggling with depression or anxiety, or a problem that may be half a world away- while still living an awesome life. but those are the blogs that move me, that i can relate to, that help me see myself in a better light. and that is the reason i will continue to be real- to be honest- and eventually, i hope i can be completely honest with you about those things i haven't talked about. because if there is someone out there that i can touch, or whose view i can change, or who can relate to anything i might say, then i want to keep writing.
maybe the identity crisis is good. if is causes you to look inside to the basics- to who you really are. there are so many voices out there. trying to tell you what you should do. giving well-intended advice. suggesting solutions for the surface, not the deep. in the end, you can only listen to the voice in your heart- your conscience- telling you what is right and wrong, where you should go, and what you should do.
"above all, to thine own self be true" -Hamlet