29 May 2012

identity crisis

it's not really a crisis. not like the crisis where you cry and scream. it's not the kind of crisis where you quit your job and move to a new place. it's more like that inner crisis that you didn't even realize was there but has been pricking, pricking, pricking at you day in and day out. until, one day, you wake up, and realize, you aren't quite sure about some things.

i decided, last fall, to do an accelerated nursing program after i graduate from BYU. in an attempt to find the best schools (i don't want to go to a college that is not well established- call me stuck up) i searched for programs in every single state. literally. i spent an entire sunday afternoon scouring the world wide web for schools. i came up with a list of about 25, and one was in utah. as the school year progressed, my list became smaller as i researched the schools a little bit more. schools outside of utah seemed more and more appealing. the university of utah is the only school in utah offering the program i want. it is a wonderful program and very competitive to get into. but, i don't really want to stay in utah. because i don't want to stay in utah, i feel like a get a lot of flack. there is the money angle. if i stay in utah, tuition is much cheaper. all the schools outside utah are about $30,000 minimum for the program. so logically, why would i even apply somewhere where i will be going in to debt? angle #2- dating scene. i am very aware of the fact that by moving back east (that's where most of the schools are) the dating pool will significantly decrease. angle #3 (which no one actually ever says out loud)- moving away is a big deal. i think boys get turned off when i say that i am applying to these schools that are on the opposite side of the country. maybe they admire my guts and drive for doing it, but i think they also write me off as the "career girl." if only they (and really, everyone else) realize that i am leaving only because i have no reason to stay! yes, my family is here, but it's not like i will be in Africa- we can skype, text, and talk every day. my faith is here- but it is every where. my friends are here- but they are moving on with life too, onto babies, marriage, grad school, and missions. if an amazing man came along and gave me good reason to stay- i would!

speaking of marriage. . . i am graduating at the end of the year. weird, i know. i will have a college degree- and pretty much nothing i can do with it ha ha. it's ok. i have learned a lot. not just about exercise science- but about God, myself, love, lies, forgiveness, letting go, following the Spirit, and serving others. although i didn't come to BYU with the intent of getting my Mrs. degree, i didn't really picture my life, graduating without the ring. i always just figured it would happen- because so many people said that it would. it hasn't. and honestly i don't know when it will. i mean i could meet "the guy" tomorrow and be married next year. or i could be 26. or 32. it's not so much a crisis as a coming to terms. although i am happy for my friends who are getting married and having kids, they little know, that sometimes it feels like one more nail in my coffin. one more way i am falling behind. one more thing that will take us to different places and make us less of the friends we used to be. so yes, that is hard. i try not to be bitter towards them. it's not their fault i'm not married, or heck, even dating someone. the Lord has something else for me to do right now.

i have been thanked and applauded for being honest on my blog. i do try to be genuine. sometimes though, i look at bloggers and i feel like this is all a joke. other blogs display jewelry, cute babies, day trips and lunch dates like they are the things life is made of. and, i guess, to some extent, life is made of those things. but then i look at a particularly cheesy photo of a "twenty-something" (why does everyone use this phrase? if you were forty-something i would understand, but it's not like those of us in our 20's have to be ashamed of our age. geez.) girl painting and just looking so happy, and i think: "is this for real?" no one's life is that perfect. there are very few blogs that i believe tell it like it is- life with it's ups and with it's downs. i try to do that. but, i have a confession. i am not completely honest with you. there are things in my life that i don't talk about on my blog. i'm just not ready to tell the whole world about them. and maybe i'm just a little worried of marring the perfect world that bloggers try to create. maybe i'm a little worried about pouring my heart out because i look at a post that really took guts for me to write (like this, this, or this) that got one or two comments and i compare it to a post featuring a snappily dressed woman, telling us some small anecdote about her day, her dog, or her bike, that got 20-50 comments, and i really just wonder if it is all worth it. there are very few blogs that i read, that i think tell the whole truth. most blogs focus on- fashion, food, family, and dating/marriage. those are all great things to talk about. but there are few bloggers that talk about the real stuff- school kicking butt, dealing with illness, struggling with depression or anxiety, or a problem that may be half a world away- while still living an awesome life. but those are the blogs that move me, that i can relate to, that help me see myself in a better light. and that is the reason i will continue to be real- to be honest- and eventually, i hope i can be completely honest with you about those things i haven't talked about. because if there is someone out there that i can touch, or whose view i can change, or who can relate to anything i might say, then i want to keep writing.

maybe the identity crisis is good. if is causes you to look inside to the basics- to who you really are. there are so many voices out there. trying to tell you what you should do. giving well-intended advice. suggesting solutions for the surface, not the deep. in the end, you can only listen to the voice in your heart- your conscience- telling you what is right and wrong, where you should go, and what you should do.

"above all, to thine own self be true" -Hamlet

4 comments:

  1. I agree. I don't understand why it's so bad to talk about the up's AND down's. I believe writing those things helps to show that we are all human, and we are not ALL perfect! The reason I feel the need to write about deeply personal things, especially the downs, is so that I can help someone out there who might be feeling the same way. Obviously I don't want my blog to be a place where I only post negitive things, but I don't think that it is wrong to post them every so often. Then when the trial is settling down, everyone can see wow, that girl really made it. she did it. That's what's important, not faking having a perfect life.

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  2. i love your blog because you are honest! keep up the good work :) its brave and i like it!

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  3. Whuddup! I enjoyed this post thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much! Just, ya know, fo' yo' info'. :)

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