07 May 2012


"It seems right when I've decided I've conquered something, or found a strength,  that is used against me."
Elder Mark Lyons

from friday until sunday night i was almost 100% consistently happy. granted i wasn't my normal extroverted, perky self. but i was happier than i have been in like three weeks. i was taking steps, overcoming, and i was happy about that. 
but sometimes people don't understand. they see you for where you are, not where you have come from, and certainly not where you are headed. in the midst of everything, someone telling me that i am not happy is frustrating. no, it's insanely maddening.
i know i'm not as happy as i have been. i know i have a ways to go. i know that every day will be a choice and an internal battle against discouragement and despair. at least for a while. i will be whole again one day. and i am proud of the strength that allows me to become happier each day.

a strong person is not one who is happy all the time, but rather a strong person recognizes when they are not happy and then does something about it.
but as for the naysayers, the doubters, the good intentioned advice, please shut it. it bothers me when people think they know exactly what is going on in my life and they try to tell me what is best for me to do. they even try to tell me how i am feeling! you may forget, but i know, "i am the master of my fate. i am the captain of my soul!"
is it wrong to choose focus on the things that i can control? i have made a choice to make the most of my life and my education (after all that is why i am at BYU, not to get the mrs. degree). i have made the choice to enjoy this part of life and to plan for the future. is that wrong? should i be more focused on marriage despite the disappointments that so inevitably arise? do not misunderstand, i want to be married and start a family! i want to begin that stage of life. i want so badly to go through the temple, be sealed and love a man with all my heart. 
but i get the feeling that that time is not yet here. 
i am not vowing to despise men, become a cynic of love and marriage. i am only saying that what i can focus on is me. not in a selfish way. in the way that improves my mind, increases my capacity to love, strengthens me physically, mentally and spiritually. 
i know that God will lead me where i am supposed to go and that i will meet the man to marry. when the time is right. but that cannot consume my life. a life consumed in the search of love, and filled with nothing else, will, inevitably, not find love. and so my life must be consumed with love of God, love of others, service, improvement of intellect, adventure, love of self, and increasing physical capabilities. 

perhaps i am wrong in this thinking? i don't know. i'm not an expert on love. true, loving advice is accepted at this time. but please, don't tell me how to feel or who to love. because, i am an expert on me! 

this post is pretty scattered and might not make sense, but bear with me. life is a journey, so don't judge mine. thank you.


  1. Beka, you have every right in the whole world to be happy. I find when I am struggling with happiness, that relying on Heavenly Father to give me the strength I need really can uplift me. Asking people for prayers isn't such a bad thing either. With this last week being what it was, I don't think I would have made it through without the great amount of prayers I received. I really could feel them so strongly. Happiness really can be a choice, even when life gets tough, and even when we are confused as to why the outcome is what it is.
    I know that some day you will find an amazing person to marry. I can see how hard it would be feeling like everyone on the earth is getting married aside from you. (I didn't quite have that exact experience as I'm sure you can imagine, but there are different moments in my life where I've felt that way)
    One time a good guy friend of mine told me when I was in despair about finding a significant other was, the reason I hadn't met my knight in shining armor was because he was still in training. When I asked him what he meant by that he told me that he was still in training to take on the world for me.
    I have never forgot what that guy said, even when I was at a young age and finding a significant other should have been the furthest thing from my mind. It was complete truth. Your guy is out there, he is just still in training...
    You don't need to focus on finding a guy. I think that when you start focusing on you, and making YOU happy then the rest of that will follow. I know that sounds like a selfish thing to say but it isn't. You can't hope to make others around you happy if you yourself are not happy.
    I know this is a novel but I really felt I had to share that. Keep your chin up, and don't let the opinions of others ruin the great amount of progress you have made! You are a beautiful person inside and out, and I totally think the world of you.

  2. Very thought provoking. Definitely a tender subject. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  3. I think you're doing great. Focus on what makes you happy and if you're doing the right things, everything will fall into place. You're beautiful and amazing and you're doing great things!

  4. You are right! It is so important that we focus on making ourselves the best versions of ourselves we can possibly be! That way we will find a man who is on that same level! You attract people who are on the same level as you, you know.

  5. and yeah. platform 9 3/4 will be done. done FIRST if I have anything to say about it!