"It seems right when I've decided I've conquered something, or found a strength, that is used against me."
Elder Mark Lyons
from friday until sunday night i was almost 100% consistently happy. granted i wasn't my normal extroverted, perky self. but i was happier than i have been in like three weeks. i was taking steps, overcoming, and i was happy about that.
but sometimes people don't understand. they see you for where you are, not where you have come from, and certainly not where you are headed. in the midst of everything, someone telling me that i am not happy is frustrating. no, it's insanely maddening.
i know i'm not as happy as i have been. i know i have a ways to go. i know that every day will be a choice and an internal battle against discouragement and despair. at least for a while. i will be whole again one day. and i am proud of the strength that allows me to become happier each day.
a strong person is not one who is happy all the time, but rather a strong person recognizes when they are not happy and then does something about it.
but as for the naysayers, the doubters, the good intentioned advice, please shut it. it bothers me when people think they know exactly what is going on in my life and they try to tell me what is best for me to do. they even try to tell me how i am feeling! you may forget, but i know, "i am the master of my fate. i am the captain of my soul!"
is it wrong to choose focus on the things that i can control? i have made a choice to make the most of my life and my education (after all that is why i am at BYU, not to get the mrs. degree). i have made the choice to enjoy this part of life and to plan for the future. is that wrong? should i be more focused on marriage despite the disappointments that so inevitably arise? do not misunderstand, i want to be married and start a family! i want to begin that stage of life. i want so badly to go through the temple, be sealed and love a man with all my heart.
but i get the feeling that that time is not yet here.
i am not vowing to despise men, become a cynic of love and marriage. i am only saying that what i can focus on is me. not in a selfish way. in the way that improves my mind, increases my capacity to love, strengthens me physically, mentally and spiritually.
i know that God will lead me where i am supposed to go and that i will meet the man to marry. when the time is right. but that cannot consume my life. a life consumed in the search of love, and filled with nothing else, will, inevitably, not find love. and so my life must be consumed with love of God, love of others, service, improvement of intellect, adventure, love of self, and increasing physical capabilities.
perhaps i am wrong in this thinking? i don't know. i'm not an expert on love. true, loving advice is accepted at this time. but please, don't tell me how to feel or who to love. because, i am an expert on me!
this post is pretty scattered and might not make sense, but bear with me. life is a journey, so don't judge mine. thank you.